I think I might have dug too much into my ELE till I can't get hold of my situation now. I thought I could transcend it by confronting it. The writing part stirs most the emotion in me. I guess I have to temporary put aside the traumatic experiences and focus only on the positive ones.
I wasn't born a tough boy. Though I have been independent in character from young, I am in no way a tough one. As such, I have always admire guy with tough character - off course in my own interpretation.
LTL was the first boy with such a character who I came across in my secondary school days. He was two years older than me but in the same grade as he just wasn't into study. He was so called the 老大 of our cohort. Everyone in our cohort knew about him from day 1 of secondary 1. And everyone quite scare of him. Many who wanted to show that they were strong would join his gang. I couldn't exactly labeled them as gangster or "black society". They were just a gang of students who liked to create interesting things that "good" students like me wouldn't dare do. They were definitely rebellious in school. They showed their courage by defying school rule and authorities. They argued with teachers; they didn't submit school work; they didn't wear their attire properly; they used vulgar language; they brought porno books to school; they despised "good" students; they cracked dirty jokes. Teachers always labeled them as bad students especially 老大 as he was the most daring and all mighty among the gang. He could do all the things described above in 100% whereas the other might just dare to do a bit here and there.
Canning was still allowed during my time. 老大 had been canned in front of our class a few times. Some others had been canned too, but none could take the canning so cool as 老大. Others would shiver, would cry, would beg for leniency. But 老大 had no one time said a word when he was punished for his wrong doing. He had not shed a tear; he had not shiver; he had not beg for leniency; he had not even changed the color of his face after being canned. I still could remember a punishment vividly. He was in an argument with a teacher and he was so angry that he punctured the car of the teacher. After investigation, he owned up himself. He was punished with three strokes of cane by our disciplinary master. I still remember his expression when he jumps right after the cane hit on his buttocks. A showmanship of "老大".
On the contrary, I was a "good" student then. Not only good actually, I should say very good. As the school wasn't a good school, I was always positioned always 2nd or 3nd in the whole cohort. I was well liked by all teachers too. I held so many duties and responsibilities like class rep, councilor, librarian, vice captain of volley ball, chairman of art society, chairman of cultural society, etc. I was also highly sociable, I knew students up to two batches my senior, and down to two batches my junior. I went around helping people in studies whenever they needed.
Good and bad will never cross in anyway. That's why God has to stay in heaven and Devil has to stay in hell. 老大 and I had also hardly interacted in secondary 1. Although we were in the same class, we hardly talked or crossed each other path. I always looked at him from far away with much amusement. Our territory was clearly demarcated from each other. I was happily doing all my "good" deeds and he was enjoying his "bad" tricks.
Came to secondary 2, good and bad finally crossed at the toilet in the 3rd level of our school building. I was in the toilet doing what one supposed to do in toilet first. 老大 came in with a group of his gang. When I had finished, I came out of the toilet to wash hands in one of the basin. Noting me around, he was suddenly in this cheeky mood. He approached me to my nose abruptly and threw a question to me politely. "Can I borrow one thing from you?" I was a bit panic as I had never experience with him on such a close personal interaction. "ohh... yep, what is there I can help? " "Can I borrow your back side for fun?" "huh!!' I was rather shocked upon hearing that and flushed while the gang of friends were all laughing at the back. Didn't know how to react, I fumbled out of the toilet quickly.
I think it is because I am really a gay that I still can remember the whole scene clearly in my mind. I wasn't angry then and I am not angry now at all with the incidence. In fact I am very amused on my encounter with him in this way. 老大 was a good looking chap. Ignored the delinquent part of him, he had his charm in his personality. The way he talked, the way he smiled and the way he treated people. After the incidence, we got to know each other better. The good mixed into the bad and the bad mixed with the good.
I joined their game, their playing, their gang. However, I didn't do anything labeled as "bad" by teachers. I came to know 老大 better and we ended up as very good friend in fact. We would play together when we got the time. I rather enjoyed the games that I had not done in my life before. 老大 was just too playful. I think one of the incident really held us closer. Our school was at bukit timah. There was this big canal in the middle of the road separating bukit timah road and dunearn road. The gang was on the way back to school one day after meeting outside. We were then at the other side of the road. 老大 decided suddenly to do something different by not crossing the overhead bridge. He led us towards the canal and in no time, we were down in the canal in front of this big drainage to cross. Wow.. I had not done this in my life before. Led by 老大, the gang jumped one after another hopping to the other side of the drainage, leaving me behind. I was quite panic hesitating if I could cross like them. I had no confident at all doing such thing. 老大 was encouraging me to try. After few encouragement, I finally mustered all my courage to jump. pu tong... true enough that I landed in the drainage making myself all wet with dirty water. 老大 quickly helped me to get up and accompanied me to school to wash up. I think 老大 was quite impressed with my courage on doing such thing as a good student. From then onwards, we became good friends that heading towards positive direction - again in my own interpretation.
I said the direction was positive was because I could get 老大 more interested in his school work. I would spend time with him to study together, teach him school work that he didn't understand. 老大 became more respectful with a few good teachers also. I also learned alot from him to be more tough as a boy. I wasn't an outdoor kind of boy then. He taught me alot and I started to enjoy outdoor activities like camping. I still keep a picture taken with 老大 at one of the camping night. This is one of my favorite picture in my photo album. I think all gays will ask me this question, "if 老大 were to be a gay, will I choose him as my bf?" I really have got no answer to that, but my feeling for 老大 then was just a very intimate friendship. I don't think I have ever thought of having a bf like 老大. 老大 is more like a personalty I like to become myself. When I got to know 老大 better, I saw in him the sense of responsibility, integrity and openness to things. As compared to some of the good students of my cohort, 老大 was more a "good" character then many of them taking away the mischievous part.
Unfortunately I got close to 老大 too late, I wasn't able to help him through the final exam in secondary two. His total score for the year was 48, 2 points short of passing mark. As he was already overage, he couldn't retain anymore. That would be his last year of studies in his life. When the result was out, I was running around with him to help him to beg our teachers to give him the additional two points in order to continue his education. 老大 would not beg for leniency when facing canning, but 老大 had changed to beg for leniency in order to continue his studies. The change came too late, although 老大 had changed so much, none of the teachers had realized the change. No teacher wanted to help to spare the two points. I still remember the comment made by my form teacher during my plead for the two points for 老大. My form teacher told me that the society might be a better place for 老大 to learn rather than the school. I was lost in word and wasn't known how to respond to the comment then. I struggled with the comment for many years thereafter. "Is society really a better place for 老大 at such a young age."
Now I dare say to the form teacher that you are wrong and you are very wrong. Everyone should be given opportunity if he has realized his mistake. I knew very clear that 老大 had changed at the time as I was very close to him. But the time was too short and none of the teachers had noted the change in him. Again, wasn't it the teacher's responsibility to understand his student better? 老大 was only 16 then and he was forced to leave school to face the society with a secondary 2 education. As usual, a bit disturbed but 老大 accepted the fact gracefully without any complaint of any sort. He was as usual the responsible self to hold responsibility for his own action.
We didn't see him from third year and we lost contact with him after that. I always miss the time spent with him together.
