After shower yesterday, I was excited about my decision to get myself to sleep well for the night by taking sleeping bill. I had owed myself a good night rest for a long while. There was this thought of slight anxiety at the back of my mind that the sleeping pill might not be effective with my condition and I would still wake up a few times in between the nights. I intentionally took a slight overdose to ensure the plan would be in order. I got my bed warm and ready with “om mani padme hum” flowing at the background. I slipped myself into the blanket trying to make myself comfortable and calm looking forward to have a fresh and energized morning when I return to the reality again. I chanted along with “om mani padme hum” with tingling anxiety of fear in me. I was in and out between conscious and unconscious stage for about 15 minutes before the medicine finally took control of me.
R appeared in my dream and something must have agitated me so much that my consciousness started to regain slowly. I was still mostly under the effect of the medicine. My phone started to ring and I had neither intention nor will to drag myself up to answer. After the phone ringing subsides, I fell into half consciousness again, feeling with H surfaced strongly again followed by my failed relationship.
I was once again hit with unbearable pain of betrayal and failure on my part to sustain the relationship. I started crying hysterically in my heart, pouring out all the sorrow hidden deep inside my subconsciousness.
Though still in half unconscious stage, I could feel the agony and deep sorrow sweeping through my whole body. The situation was fully out of my control. At this point of time, I noted an inner voice spoke from the background. “I am now close the door to the past. I trust that whatever happened in my life is the teaching for my higher good. I leave the darkness behind and move forward with the flow of love and light. I am filled with love and light. I now cut the soul tie with C and set C free from me” I felt myself calmer but my mind was still very active in the unconscious stage.
The feeling with H surfaced again. I felt the love for him so intense and aggressive that I had not in my life felt for anyone before. We talked, we kissed, we hugged, we romanced, we joked, we concerned, we be franked, we missed, we restrained, we struggled. We got no answer. The mind went through the second round of struggling with agony of letting go. I had really no solution for liberation. I strongly reinforced my wish to the universe again. I made a definite wish and return H to the universe to settle our fate. I will wait patiently and see how the events will unfold.
The phone rang the second time at around 9am, waking myself up totally. I thought I would feel peace and light after regained my conscious self with a good night sleep under the effect of medicine, on the contrary, my eyes opened to the same reality that I was in before the sleep. I guess I really took quite a strong does of medicine yesterday night. I knocked again at around 11am for 3 hours and I am still quite affected by the drug at the time of this writing at 4pm. I feel peace and calm.
With the borrowed equanimity, I want to reinforce myself to proceed my life slowly and positively with love and light on the path that I want to walk and achieve.
Wrote on 19 Jan
R appeared in my dream and something must have agitated me so much that my consciousness started to regain slowly. I was still mostly under the effect of the medicine. My phone started to ring and I had neither intention nor will to drag myself up to answer. After the phone ringing subsides, I fell into half consciousness again, feeling with H surfaced strongly again followed by my failed relationship.
I was once again hit with unbearable pain of betrayal and failure on my part to sustain the relationship. I started crying hysterically in my heart, pouring out all the sorrow hidden deep inside my subconsciousness.
Though still in half unconscious stage, I could feel the agony and deep sorrow sweeping through my whole body. The situation was fully out of my control. At this point of time, I noted an inner voice spoke from the background. “I am now close the door to the past. I trust that whatever happened in my life is the teaching for my higher good. I leave the darkness behind and move forward with the flow of love and light. I am filled with love and light. I now cut the soul tie with C and set C free from me” I felt myself calmer but my mind was still very active in the unconscious stage.
The feeling with H surfaced again. I felt the love for him so intense and aggressive that I had not in my life felt for anyone before. We talked, we kissed, we hugged, we romanced, we joked, we concerned, we be franked, we missed, we restrained, we struggled. We got no answer. The mind went through the second round of struggling with agony of letting go. I had really no solution for liberation. I strongly reinforced my wish to the universe again. I made a definite wish and return H to the universe to settle our fate. I will wait patiently and see how the events will unfold.
The phone rang the second time at around 9am, waking myself up totally. I thought I would feel peace and light after regained my conscious self with a good night sleep under the effect of medicine, on the contrary, my eyes opened to the same reality that I was in before the sleep. I guess I really took quite a strong does of medicine yesterday night. I knocked again at around 11am for 3 hours and I am still quite affected by the drug at the time of this writing at 4pm. I feel peace and calm.
With the borrowed equanimity, I want to reinforce myself to proceed my life slowly and positively with love and light on the path that I want to walk and achieve.
Wrote on 19 Jan
No comments:
Post a Comment