The most solemn session

I felt my chest was busting anytime these two days. Couldn't really breathe easily. I sensed strongly that my body was boycotting towards the stress due to depression. I texted my therapist asking to meet him and was asked to go at 130pm. After a morning work, I headed to his office after a brief lunch. I forced myself to eat even though there wasn't any appetite at all.

We went to the room and he checked with me on the update. I was relating to him my physical response and suddenly I was on the verge of tearing. I couldn't say a word and kept resisting from crying. Therapist asked me not to hold but to let go, unfortunately my system was tuned not to tear anymore. I breathe heavier and heavier trying to fight back the tears. The therapist sat there quietly waiting for me to settle down. He asked what was on my mind. I told him slowly and discontinuously that I have worked so hard to get myself right. I tried all ways and means that I could lay my hand on. I was really tired. The therapist agreed and asked what I wished to do now. I told him I had already tried my very best and I was really exhausted completely. I hoped someone could tell me that I had worked hard enough and I could go in peace now. I needed a long and peaceful rest. All suffering should stop right away. The therapist was silence for quite a while.

He was then trying to find some hope for me to cling to in order to rekindle my survival instinct. Unfortunately, he couldn't find a single thing that I could possibly attach with after many trials. I told him I had in myself went through the routine already. The only thing I hadn't really tried was to attempt a suicide. I rationale to him that maybe I needed to go for that route so that I would understand what it was about and I could then transcend it. The therapist then asked what if I just died after the attempt. I told him I had already bet my life on it this time. If that should be the way, then let it be. I had no regret.

Actually, there was another idea I didn't share with the therapist. There was a few times these few nights that I felt so strong impulse in me to drive to east coast when I had my sleepless night. I thought I should try to face the sea and dared myself to challenge the suicidal thought. I might come to a realization that the act of committing suicide was not so easy. Then, I would be able to transcend it. The therapist though didn't argue on the rationale, he thought it was a high risk trial.

We both agreed that this episode was triggered by suppressing my feeling too much after I met up with H on Tue and the stress from the job search. He painted a few frameworks but all didn't seem to work at the current low energy level. He finally suggested to create a support group and tried to instill a sense of meaning of life in me to help others. He hoped I could cling on this and hold my life for a longer while. I understood what he was trying to do, I didn't again want to judge the effectiveness at the moment. However, when I was driving back to office after the session, I knew immediately that the trick didn't work on me as well. My energy level was just too low.