The last week in SH was pretty busy with work and luggage packing. I had also developed habit for meditation, chanting and listening to inner talk and positive messages whenever I had free time; woke up in the middle of night; left alone at home. I kept my mind absolute simple and less obsessive. With the help of sleeping pills occasionally, I finally managed to have some peace of mind with controlled fear and panic.
So when I return to sg, I have been consciously trying to keep myself fully occupied since my return from SH. However, the energy was totally different as well as the events unfolding. I am once again back to the real world. I feel I am once again flowing with the negative energy.
I took a dose of sleeping pill yesterday night and managed a 5 hours of sleep. Woke up in the morning didn't exactly know what to do. Finally dragged myself for breakfast and paper reading. I tried tidying up a bit of my room after breakfast then occupied myself with arranging i-tune list. I did that till 11am and finally got myself to shower. I went to office after dropping my luggage for repair. Received a call from my ex-company rejecting a position that I was discussing with them. Wow, I could feel my body shaken with the news. I was still in no positive to shield from any negative news. I decided to go hunting for my new bed in order not to think too much. After 2 hours of search, I finally bought myself a very expensive and comfortable bed hoping to get energy by treating myself real good. Went back office and finished my last piece of work before I head to gym for jogging.
Wow, wow, wow, my mind was running wild while jogging. I thought I had regained full control when I was in sh. I remember I could chant "om mani padme hum" throughout the jogging session the past week. I finished the jog tiredly and stepped down the treadmill. I was nearly shocked when I saw H was in another machine behind me. I didn't know how to respond and that was when he turned back and we had eye contact. We greeted each other briefly but didn't get to talk since he was jogging on the machine. I went to 2nd level to do some stretches and tried not too think too much, but somehow my thought was not in my control. After stretches, I thought I'd better greet H bye and left the gym soonest. I couldn't find him anywhere, so I proceeded to the shower room. Wow, there he was getting himself changed. We exchanged a brief conversation and he was running off for his night lesson. I went shower and got myself change while trying very hard to control my running thoughts. H left a greeting message when I got back from shower. Gave a brief reply and he texted back to say happy to have met again. Didn't know what to say so I decided to quit there and headed for home.
While I was driving home, my mind was just like an untanned wild monkey. I was thinking of the game that the positive boy was asking me to play before I went to sh the last time. I met this ex-student of mine for dinner a day before I went to sh. I first knew him when he was only in Pri 5. I liked him and took care of him alot then and always tried to encourage him. I guess I saw myself in him as he was always unhappy. I tried many ways to encourage him and cheer him up but my effort was mostly in vain. He went through lots of hard time from secondary school, polytechnic to army. He finally got awaken after his army day and work extremely hard for his life. He was a drop-out from polytechnic and now he even earned himself a master degree through part time studying. He is concurrently doing three jobs at the same time happily now. He is so much a happy boy now.
We talked about his growth and his awakening and he is also very into psychology trying to better himself everyday. I also told him about my problems. I felt very strange when I talked to him. I just felt very calm and peaceful when I related my problems to him. Actually, I felt he was emitting a lot of positive energy to sooth my injury and hurt. I didn't even feel any down swing even when we discussed about my suicidal thought. I told him that he was a positive boy and could transmit positive energy to heal people.
He took out a pendulum-like chain and asked me to try. He believed in the power of subconscious mind and urged me to ask my subconsciousness if I could pull through this time. I asked him to demonstrate. He demonstrated with a few questions and the pendulum would indicate the answer as yes or no. I took over and followed his instruction to ask my subconscious mind if I could pull through this time. There was no answer from my subconscious mind for a while. He instructed me to further query if my subconscious mind didn't know or didn't want to tell the answer. There was still a long silence.
Actually, I was thinking in my mind I should be able to pull through this time when the positive boy urged me to ask my subconscious mind the question. I was rather calm and had the belief that I should recover in time to come. I was quite puzzled when there was no answer from my subconscious mind. The positive boy had got no explanation too. I guess now I know why there was no answer. There are still many unknown parameters in my life ahead. Whether I can pull through depends very much on the unforeseen events unfolding along the way ahead.
I thought I was about to go back on track again before my return to sg, but now I don't even know in which stage I am in. I understand now the reason my subconscious mind remained silence the other day. There was suddenly this urge on me to throw another big stone in my life again. I was asking myself not to talk about my depression anymore to anybody. I was urging myself to once again act happy everyday. There are a few reasons for this, (1) I don't know how long this episode will take since my subconscious mind has also got no answer. I just can't go on like this. And also, I just can't hold so many of friends in concern and worry for so long. My energy is too negative and affecting friends around me. (2) Since I can't be happy myself, I should make other happy. Other should not be sad because I am sad. I just told my nephew the other day that he born into this world for happiness. (3) If I can't pull through this due to future unfolding events, then I should at least act to be happy till the day comes. I should look at the unfolding events amusingly. I don't know if this is too harsh on myself to close the outlet for emotional relief.
My mind is once again not functioning now.
