Call this infatuation
I don't want to deny
Will this a long lasting one
I haven't got a clue
I just feel my love is compelling now
I just miss you every second
I know you are not happy now
I can't do much as an interested party
I feel so sad when I see sadness twinkling in your eyes
I choose to be silent if this is not for me to know
You are the dearest in the world
I hope he will soon realize and treasure you more again
This by no means is good for me
I can't help it but to accept that we know each other too late
As long as you are happy
I don't have to be with you
This is your trying time
I believe you are strong to pull through
I hope I can help you through
My situation only allows me to bless you from afar
I am flying in an hour time
I will take myself away but leave my love behind for you
I hope the love can be the source of energy to calm yourself
You can be smiling again as what you deserve to be
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Putting a relationship to a test with self-fish motive
R is a well known gentleman and well-like by many friends. I like to talk to R as he is matured in thinking. I like to share life experiences with matured individual as I believe this is a way to improve. I always bound off ideas with R. This time we talked about his relationship.
R is in his new job for about 6 months now. The new job requires him to fly very often. I fly once a month to SH for about 2-3 weeks. He flies too but with a different pattern. He flies almost every week to every corner in the world, normally for less than a week. I don't like my schedule as it's hard for me to maintain a relationship. This is bad as I will never complete my life formula. This means I will not be happy.
R theoretically is in a long distant relationship now. He hardly gets to see his bf with his flying schedule. He is a bit worried now but still enjoying the flying routine. Actually, he has a not so smooth sailing relationship too. Can't really remember R has been attached for how long, but I remember R has been insecure since a year ago. R has many reasons to be insecure. His bf is 12 years his junior. His bf is still playful. His bf has ever said to him that he might not be committed. Worst of the lot, his bf has committed a common mistake just like any gay's bf will commit in a relationship - betrayal.
I always think that R has an eccentric relationship, at least eccentric in my own definition for a happy relationship. Almost all the relationship requires communication as a key function I think. R doesn't require communication in his own relationship. He knows that there is no communication between his bf and him due to differences in age and background, but R is still very enjoying the feeling staying with his bf. He doesn't require communication to stay with someone he loves. He can be contented with someone he loves merely staying by his side without conversation. He just feels happy doing his things with someone he loves besides him doing his own thing. This mere happy feeling completes his love equation.
R is still happy with his bf besides him but he feels insecure after his bf betrayed him. I think he wants to end the relationship as open relationship is not a function in his life equation. When he got the new job that required flying frequently, he was not upset , contrarily, he had an idea. He decided to put his relationship to a test.
They have been staying together for a good few years after attached not long. His bf has been wanting to move out quoting a few different reasons for a while. R has been trying to convince his bf to stay, but this times he asks his bf to move out voluntarily. He allows his bf to move out as he thinks that his bf will not be committed with him traveling so frequently. If his bf betrays again, then the test will fail and R will have a good reason to break off with his bf. This is also the best way to separate as they can be drifted apart slowly by not staying together. The feeling will be easier to manage comparing to immediate breaking off with someone. If his bf passes the test, he will gain confidence with his bf and they can be happily together. If his bf fails the test, they will break off with a good reason and less misery. R is serious about putting his relationship to the test now as they have already agreed on a date for his bf to move out.
"huh!! You called this a test??", I shouted back to R this time round just as he shouted at me earlier on when discussing my very type. I also give a summary to him this time round just like what he did on me merely a few minutes a go.
- This is a self-fish way of breaking off with someone you love
- You want a break off because you are insecure
- You can't break off because you still love your bf and can't bear the pain
- You need a way to break off with a good reason and less pain
- But, the good reason requires your bf to betray you and makes your love one the bad guy
- This is not a test, but a self-fish way to break off
I stared hard at R with eye wide this time, but still can't compare with him staring at me earlier on as my eye is not as big as his.
R is in his new job for about 6 months now. The new job requires him to fly very often. I fly once a month to SH for about 2-3 weeks. He flies too but with a different pattern. He flies almost every week to every corner in the world, normally for less than a week. I don't like my schedule as it's hard for me to maintain a relationship. This is bad as I will never complete my life formula. This means I will not be happy.
R theoretically is in a long distant relationship now. He hardly gets to see his bf with his flying schedule. He is a bit worried now but still enjoying the flying routine. Actually, he has a not so smooth sailing relationship too. Can't really remember R has been attached for how long, but I remember R has been insecure since a year ago. R has many reasons to be insecure. His bf is 12 years his junior. His bf is still playful. His bf has ever said to him that he might not be committed. Worst of the lot, his bf has committed a common mistake just like any gay's bf will commit in a relationship - betrayal.
I always think that R has an eccentric relationship, at least eccentric in my own definition for a happy relationship. Almost all the relationship requires communication as a key function I think. R doesn't require communication in his own relationship. He knows that there is no communication between his bf and him due to differences in age and background, but R is still very enjoying the feeling staying with his bf. He doesn't require communication to stay with someone he loves. He can be contented with someone he loves merely staying by his side without conversation. He just feels happy doing his things with someone he loves besides him doing his own thing. This mere happy feeling completes his love equation.
R is still happy with his bf besides him but he feels insecure after his bf betrayed him. I think he wants to end the relationship as open relationship is not a function in his life equation. When he got the new job that required flying frequently, he was not upset , contrarily, he had an idea. He decided to put his relationship to a test.
They have been staying together for a good few years after attached not long. His bf has been wanting to move out quoting a few different reasons for a while. R has been trying to convince his bf to stay, but this times he asks his bf to move out voluntarily. He allows his bf to move out as he thinks that his bf will not be committed with him traveling so frequently. If his bf betrays again, then the test will fail and R will have a good reason to break off with his bf. This is also the best way to separate as they can be drifted apart slowly by not staying together. The feeling will be easier to manage comparing to immediate breaking off with someone. If his bf passes the test, he will gain confidence with his bf and they can be happily together. If his bf fails the test, they will break off with a good reason and less misery. R is serious about putting his relationship to the test now as they have already agreed on a date for his bf to move out.
"huh!! You called this a test??", I shouted back to R this time round just as he shouted at me earlier on when discussing my very type. I also give a summary to him this time round just like what he did on me merely a few minutes a go.
- This is a self-fish way of breaking off with someone you love
- You want a break off because you are insecure
- You can't break off because you still love your bf and can't bear the pain
- You need a way to break off with a good reason and less pain
- But, the good reason requires your bf to betray you and makes your love one the bad guy
- This is not a test, but a self-fish way to break off
I stared hard at R with eye wide this time, but still can't compare with him staring at me earlier on as my eye is not as big as his.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Walking on thin ice
After 5 days of torment, I decided to take back my word completely. I decided I shouldn't escape anymore, I decided I should confront the situation "bravely", I decided I should continue seeing my very type, I decided I should try to stay as a friend with my very type.
I SMS and asked for a talk. He was worried that if I was alright. I could do nothing else but to "haha" all the way. I had no intention to burden him with my problem. I explained to him my decision to remain as a friend. He seems happy and our exchanges of SMS go incessant again. We meet, we chat, we laugh, we talk. Everything goes so well except he can't be my bf.
I met Ray last night. Ray is someone I can discuss thing with because of his maturity. He basically summarized my situation :
- H has no loss in either ways. Either stay with his bf or go with me
- I should still stay with H as a friend, but continue to see others
- I have to be self-restraint with my feeling for H
- I have the possibility of getting hurt
I told Ray that it could be difficult. I relayed the story of '杨不悔‘ from 倚天屠龙 to him. I have the character of 杨不悔. It is very difficult to be replaced if I see something I want. I will want it whole-heartedly. H is such a person in my life. I don't think I will be easily divert by others. I am also no confidence that my self-restraint will be in proper operation.
Ray stared at me with eye wide, it is really very wide given that he has quite a big eye, and shouted at me, "You know you will get hurt!!" I was speechless. I just know that this is the decision I made. I made the decision to see H again, I made the decision to try to stay as a friend with H, I made the decision to walk on thin ice.
I SMS and asked for a talk. He was worried that if I was alright. I could do nothing else but to "haha" all the way. I had no intention to burden him with my problem. I explained to him my decision to remain as a friend. He seems happy and our exchanges of SMS go incessant again. We meet, we chat, we laugh, we talk. Everything goes so well except he can't be my bf.
I met Ray last night. Ray is someone I can discuss thing with because of his maturity. He basically summarized my situation :
- H has no loss in either ways. Either stay with his bf or go with me
- I should still stay with H as a friend, but continue to see others
- I have to be self-restraint with my feeling for H
- I have the possibility of getting hurt
I told Ray that it could be difficult. I relayed the story of '杨不悔‘ from 倚天屠龙 to him. I have the character of 杨不悔. It is very difficult to be replaced if I see something I want. I will want it whole-heartedly. H is such a person in my life. I don't think I will be easily divert by others. I am also no confidence that my self-restraint will be in proper operation.
Ray stared at me with eye wide, it is really very wide given that he has quite a big eye, and shouted at me, "You know you will get hurt!!" I was speechless. I just know that this is the decision I made. I made the decision to see H again, I made the decision to try to stay as a friend with H, I made the decision to walk on thin ice.
backup Blog
Han wrote to me saying blogger is blocked in China. I have therefore created a backup blog at http://healingsg.livejournal.com/. Will be flying to SH again tomorrow. If this proves to be true, I may then migrate this blog permanently to livejournal.
My ideal life
I am a hopeless devoter of relationship. I don't think my life can be complete without a relationship. More importantly, I found relationship a major stabilizing factor to balance my life. To me, the following is basically the formula of my life now:
Happiness = f(Relationship)
I wasn't like that long time ago, not when I was still hiding in closet, not when I just stepped out of closet. Gay relationship was an unknown to me. I didn't know what to expect at the time for gay relationship. My definition of gay life was limited to guy likes guy, gay friend, gay sex. I didn't know two persons of the same sex could live happily together as a couple. I didn't know two persons of the same sex could pursue life together happily.
I still remember I was approached quite a few times to get attached when I just came out of closet. Not that I was the dead gorgeous type, but I thought it was because I was new to the scene. I rejected all the offers for the mere reason that I had no idea at all what gay relationship was. I was happy enough then to know many new gay friends, to be able to talk freely with them what supposedly was viewed as taboo to others. My initial gay life was joyful without any knowledge of gay relationship.
My first date planted the idea of gay relationship to me. It was analogous to adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit. A sin was created and unhappiness was snapped into my life since then. I bear the torment of the 'original sin' since then. I don't know whether I should regret taking the option, but I know my life has been defined in the above formula now.
I have accepted this as a fact in my life and build the concept of my ideal life based on this primary principle.
- To have a happy and committed relationship with someone I love
- To build a home for ourselves
- To look after both our kins
- To work on own business
- To adopt and provide for a child
- To contribute back to society
- To live happily ever and forever with my love one
Am I asking too much?
Happiness = f(Relationship)
I wasn't like that long time ago, not when I was still hiding in closet, not when I just stepped out of closet. Gay relationship was an unknown to me. I didn't know what to expect at the time for gay relationship. My definition of gay life was limited to guy likes guy, gay friend, gay sex. I didn't know two persons of the same sex could live happily together as a couple. I didn't know two persons of the same sex could pursue life together happily.
I still remember I was approached quite a few times to get attached when I just came out of closet. Not that I was the dead gorgeous type, but I thought it was because I was new to the scene. I rejected all the offers for the mere reason that I had no idea at all what gay relationship was. I was happy enough then to know many new gay friends, to be able to talk freely with them what supposedly was viewed as taboo to others. My initial gay life was joyful without any knowledge of gay relationship.
My first date planted the idea of gay relationship to me. It was analogous to adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit. A sin was created and unhappiness was snapped into my life since then. I bear the torment of the 'original sin' since then. I don't know whether I should regret taking the option, but I know my life has been defined in the above formula now.
I have accepted this as a fact in my life and build the concept of my ideal life based on this primary principle.
- To have a happy and committed relationship with someone I love
- To build a home for ourselves
- To look after both our kins
- To work on own business
- To adopt and provide for a child
- To contribute back to society
- To live happily ever and forever with my love one
Am I asking too much?
Sunday, December 9, 2007
A friend in indeed - WL and Han
Though I have achieved thus far with no success in my love relationship, I am proud to score flying color on the friendship with WL and Han. We crossed our path in JC days.
Han was an intelligent lovely girl who was our class representative at the time. She impressed me during our first more intimate conversation in the school library. We were having free period in between lessons and some of us were in the library to do self reading. I saw her walking here and there without real purpose, so I caught her for a conversation. As the school had just started and we just got acquainted with each other not long, so naturally our talk revolved around choice of JC.
"hmm.. so how did you do in your "O"?", I posed the question everyone were to ask at that time.
"5 A1 lo...", She answered unconcernedly while looking around on the passers by as if it was not her own glory. At our time, 7 A1 on "O" was the max and there were not many people who scored it. 5 A1 was the score one could go anywhere you like.
"huh??", I stared at her in amaze with mouth big big.
"Why on earth you are here for??", I shouted at her uncontrollably. "I thought you should go HW or National?" Those were the two top JC at our time.
"oh... I went HW in the first three months but I thought the students there were all too studious. I prefer a more relax environment." She explained causally. "How about yourself?", She poked back the question to me casually.
"hmm........ ", It was too shameful to mention my result in front of her though my result was actually quite good comparing to our batch in the JC.
WL, a quiet studious type of person, should fit into the image of HW and National. We both actually had just enough point to get into National, but were rejected because of our EL2 result. Not too sure if it was this sympathetic situation that triggered our close friendship since JC days.
I don't think any of our friends has ever encountered WL throwing tantrum. I had only entitled a privilege in my whole association with him to witness his tearing. WL has always sweet and gentle disposition. I was taken aback by his response when we were discussing his choice to stay in sg with his parents or moved to London to be with his bf there. The decision was most likely the most difficult one he made in his entire life till now. I could understand how tormented he was at the time.
WL and Han share a common interest. They both have serious weakness for C & E American man. It would be too rude for me to put the words in full as a bosom friend of theirs. Han is now helping out her hubby's business joyfully in SH and WL is staying lovely with his bf in London. And, I am the forever failure with relationship in this trio. The two have stayed with me through thick and thin and pull me through many toughs in my life.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. I can never ask for more from WL and Han.
Han was an intelligent lovely girl who was our class representative at the time. She impressed me during our first more intimate conversation in the school library. We were having free period in between lessons and some of us were in the library to do self reading. I saw her walking here and there without real purpose, so I caught her for a conversation. As the school had just started and we just got acquainted with each other not long, so naturally our talk revolved around choice of JC.
"hmm.. so how did you do in your "O"?", I posed the question everyone were to ask at that time.
"5 A1 lo...", She answered unconcernedly while looking around on the passers by as if it was not her own glory. At our time, 7 A1 on "O" was the max and there were not many people who scored it. 5 A1 was the score one could go anywhere you like.
"huh??", I stared at her in amaze with mouth big big.
"Why on earth you are here for??", I shouted at her uncontrollably. "I thought you should go HW or National?" Those were the two top JC at our time.
"oh... I went HW in the first three months but I thought the students there were all too studious. I prefer a more relax environment." She explained causally. "How about yourself?", She poked back the question to me casually.
"hmm........ ", It was too shameful to mention my result in front of her though my result was actually quite good comparing to our batch in the JC.
WL, a quiet studious type of person, should fit into the image of HW and National. We both actually had just enough point to get into National, but were rejected because of our EL2 result. Not too sure if it was this sympathetic situation that triggered our close friendship since JC days.
I don't think any of our friends has ever encountered WL throwing tantrum. I had only entitled a privilege in my whole association with him to witness his tearing. WL has always sweet and gentle disposition. I was taken aback by his response when we were discussing his choice to stay in sg with his parents or moved to London to be with his bf there. The decision was most likely the most difficult one he made in his entire life till now. I could understand how tormented he was at the time.
WL and Han share a common interest. They both have serious weakness for C & E American man. It would be too rude for me to put the words in full as a bosom friend of theirs. Han is now helping out her hubby's business joyfully in SH and WL is staying lovely with his bf in London. And, I am the forever failure with relationship in this trio. The two have stayed with me through thick and thin and pull me through many toughs in my life.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. I can never ask for more from WL and Han.
The starting of this blog - Thanks to SGBoy
My friend mentioned to me about SGBoy's blog a few times before. I was not a big fan in blog reading and didn't really pay any attention to it. My friend again emailed me the link to SGBoy's blog last week while I was in high anxiety. In need of doing something to re-gain my composure I started reading the blog. I was surprised at the open and direct expression of feeling in the blog. I thought it might be a good idea to help healing through this kind of writing. I opened this blog in no times.
I then wrote an email to SGBoy thanking him on inspiring me to start this blog and appended the blog link. The next day I was a bit surprised as he recommended my blog in his writing. My intention of setting up this blog is to walk the path of healing and improving and less on publishing for others to read, especially those were mentioned in the writing. This I thought might deter me from writing more openly if I knew someone I wrote about would be reading it.
My friend was a diligent follower of SGBoy's blog and he immediately recognized me as the writer of this blog after reading following SGBoy's recommendation. It was funny to confront the character of my writing face to face the first time. This process somehow triggered a more deeper understanding of my own feeling. It was really a good learning for me.
I had also received a note from SGBoy encouraging me to stay strong at this trying time on the same day. Really like to thank SGBoy's for everything so far.
I then wrote an email to SGBoy thanking him on inspiring me to start this blog and appended the blog link. The next day I was a bit surprised as he recommended my blog in his writing. My intention of setting up this blog is to walk the path of healing and improving and less on publishing for others to read, especially those were mentioned in the writing. This I thought might deter me from writing more openly if I knew someone I wrote about would be reading it.
My friend was a diligent follower of SGBoy's blog and he immediately recognized me as the writer of this blog after reading following SGBoy's recommendation. It was funny to confront the character of my writing face to face the first time. This process somehow triggered a more deeper understanding of my own feeling. It was really a good learning for me.
I had also received a note from SGBoy encouraging me to stay strong at this trying time on the same day. Really like to thank SGBoy's for everything so far.
Warnings & Precautions for Neurontin
This man on drug decided to reduce his drug intake daily as he felt his body had no more patience for all the side effects. The mouth inflammation is much improved now though taking hard food is still unbearable. Therefore, it was a natural decision that antibiotic Amocla was the first drug to be removed. I had been taking Amocla for the past 8 days and GP had also instructed that I could stop it if condition improved. Controloc and Salofaik are more safer and necessary with less side effects. My second desired target was Neurontin as it had the most side effects on me.
I talked to my Physiotherapist on two occasions about my condition and the drug last week. He also has the opinion that it may not be too necessary for me to continue Neurontin. So I stopped taking the drug since Friday. The obvious immediate effect is having difficulty in sleep. I slept only 4 hours each for the past two nights even though I was very tired. I noted my mood swing was also dramatic the past 2 days and thought this might due to the stress I had until I read the warnings information for Neurontin in the Net. It is advised that Neurontin to be discontinued gradually. I suspected the dramatic mood swing was due to the abrupt stop of the drug. I guess I will take Neurontin tonight to get better sleep and discuss with my GP again on the best way to discontinue the drug during the medical review tomorrow.
I talked to my Physiotherapist on two occasions about my condition and the drug last week. He also has the opinion that it may not be too necessary for me to continue Neurontin. So I stopped taking the drug since Friday. The obvious immediate effect is having difficulty in sleep. I slept only 4 hours each for the past two nights even though I was very tired. I noted my mood swing was also dramatic the past 2 days and thought this might due to the stress I had until I read the warnings information for Neurontin in the Net. It is advised that Neurontin to be discontinued gradually. I suspected the dramatic mood swing was due to the abrupt stop of the drug. I guess I will take Neurontin tonight to get better sleep and discuss with my GP again on the best way to discontinue the drug during the medical review tomorrow.
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