Mulfunctional healing plan....

I really tried many ways to get myself up.

- I first tried to stop crying. Declare to myself never cry again till my last day in this world. I believe this develops some kind of discipline in me.
- I then tried reading, focus reading to divert my attention and build my concentration.
- I also tried meditation to get calmness and quietness.
- I talked to many friends this time round rather extensively. I had never in my life tried to solve my problem so extensively.
- I tried to engage help from councellor, psychologist.
- I continued my exercise regime, including jogging, stretching, swimming to maintain my fitness.
- I decided to confront all the things I used to escape/avoid. I thought I needed a different way to manage myself.
- I applied rationale thinking to get hold of myself
- I listened to light music as usual.
- I worked on different things to divert myself.
- I tried to smile, laugh and be happy.
- I tried to write down all my feelings for myself to have a better understanding of my emotion and feeling
- I chanted amitabha buddha many times when I was down.
- I consciously observed my feeling when I was down.

I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried all ways that I could get hold.

I am exhausted and still the same at point zero now.

What did I do wrong?

Will I kill myself?

My friend was so kind to give me a contact of a counsellor to talk to. He asked if I have suicidal thought at that moment. I told him I am so tired then that I could not even think of whether I want to end of life. My thought then was to let thing happened its way. If I had to end of life, so be it.

I am a little worry, but only a little, that I will actually end my own life myself. I don't like to kill myself. But, I think of killing myself while driving fast along high way; flying down from high floor; taking sleeping pills and not wake up again, etc. These are not good thoughts. I am trying many ways to stop the thoughts but in vain so far. I thought of if I can pull through this, I will be happy forever; I will be stronger than ever; I will be more fulfilling. But somehow things still doesn't go the positive way.

So now I have to try again. I remember my friend GT told me that if a person says he wants to suicide, he will never commit suicide. So now I want to say it loud that I want to commit suicide. I WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

Am I hearing this?? I hope I will hear this inside me, outside me, every part of me. So if every part of me now knows that I am killing myself, something inside me should trigger rationale thinking if unfortunate thing has to happen.

Will I kill myself? I am not sure really. A part of me shouting loud that I don't want to die; A part of me is already giving up bit by bit.

Why my life has to be so interesting cum colorful. I actually prefer a more simple life.

I am so exhausted.