I was restless and didn't know what to do after work yesterday night. Called J to check if he was going to gym as we agreed to go together but there was no response. I went to Cali bugis trying to occupy myself once he clock hit six. Cali was rather crowded, got myself changed and headed straight to the treadmill for half an hour jog. My emotion was still very unsettled after the jog. Did some stretches and went back to locker room to check my phone message. J called and left a message saying that he was on the way to Mt Faber Gym. Called him to arrange dinner with him. I drove down to Mt Faber gym without changing. J was reading papers when I arrived. We chatted a bit and he had also no mood to gym, so we got change and went vivo for dinner. I asked him to accompany me to Kinokuniya to look for music for relaxation after dinner.
While I was searching for the CD on relaxation, Han called in. She read the blog and was worried about the situation I was in now. She called to show her concern and provide encouragement. She advised me to receive medication treatment. She was not the first who urged me to do so. Shifu did that few days ago and that was why I wrote the blog on brief knowledge on depression. I know clearly what I am into now. I had researched on the topic for quite a while. Two hours before Han's called while I was waiting for J to change in the gym, I called a doctor friend R to chat. My intention of calling him was to ask for a third opinion if medication was a total necessity for my condition. The first was my therapist and the second was the GP I consulted when I had sleepless nights.
Inside me I knew clearly that I was also trying hard to convince myself to take the antidepressant. R asked if I was worried about people labeling me when I took the antidepressant. I told him it shouldn't be the case but I didn't know what was the real reason except the feeling of drug phobia and strong resistance inside me for taking the medicine. R tried to convince me that it was perfectly all right to receive medication care if one was down because everyone had his up and down in life. I was getting more confused and J came out from shower room and the conversation was terminated.
I had a deep thought on the issue again this morning. I think my subconsciousness is refusing to accept that I am in depression. Although I know the fact consciously and I write now in black and white to recognize it, my subconsciousness most likely is still in a total denial stage on the situation. My subconsciousness is still hoping that the whole thing will clear with time and this is just another dramatic episode in life that is over-reacted by my conscious self. The resistance from my subconsciousness is too strong that I can't imagine putting an antidepressant pill in my mouth.
I always think of my younger Sister when I am very down. I remember vividly an agony statement made by her. She was depressed, in great pain and lost when she was trying to fight the cancer. She said one day to me in tears that she hoped it was just a dream that she had cancer and she could wake up the next day and the cancer cell would just disappear totally from her body. It wasn't possible and she passed away after a good fight. For my case, I guess my subconsciousness is hoping that my conscious self will wake up one day and get everything straighten out by itself just like a previous experience of blissful day and I will be back to a normal happy person as the depression is just an intangible mental stage, unlike the cancer cell that is not possible to eradicate from my body system.
It seems to be a struggle between my consciousness and subconsciousness now.
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