My emotion had been rather unstable since yesterday morning. After came back from JB with J, I was trying to calm myself. But there was something in mind that had to be settled. That was the job discussion with my previous company. I hesitated if I should arrange a meeting to discuss today or after I return from SH. I was quite stressed as I was not sure I had enough energy to withstand the blow if the discussion wasn't positive. After much struggled, I decided to call to make an appointment to discuss possible return to my ex-company with my ex-boss today. I guess my energy level was rather low as I could felt great fear inside me when I was talking to my ex-boss. I finally managed to arrange an appointment after talking to my ex-boss, however the turbulent inside me didn't subside any little. When I just hanged up on my ex-boss, H texted me again. Oh dear, I was hoping he wouldn't text me anymore. The simple message of "how's yr day?" triggered an emotion relapse. I felt my mind getting confused and my chest was busting again. I called up han for SOS. Han was trying her very best to console me and I was in trance stage 1/4 of time not knowing where my mind wondered to. There was a few times I thought I was going insane as I couldn't grasp my thought. I proceeded to shower after the phone call with han with slight calmness at 11pm.
After the shower, I decided to drive to H's place and asked to meet him. He was cool as usual and we drove to East Coast and talked for about 2 hours. He felt sorry to make me in agony. I told him that it was not his fault as he had told me from day 1 that he was attached and he couldn't offer to me anything. I told him that the part that pained me the most was I couldn't let go of him and I actually on one hand told him that I love him so much and on the other hand I was trying to make him, the one whom I love the most, to do something he shouldn't do. We asked so many times to each other what the other party wanted each other to do. I told him he needn't asked me. I just wanted him very much although I knew clearly that it was pure unethical and not possible. I told him if he wasn't H, I may have the will to leave him alone. Just like I managed to hold on when similar situation happened to M.
He asked me why I loved him so much. I told him that it was just because he was H. I wouldn't suffer so much if he was the other person. I didn't tell him that I love his smile, his eyes, his charm, his lip, his manner, his energy in life, his enthusiam in work, his positive attitude, his filiar piety, his considerate, his love and his everything. He said although he knew that we would be happy if we were to be together, but he had to still choose to stay with his bf as he came first and he still loved him very much. What else could I say further, except feeling pain in heart.
I sent him back around 1am and we knew that there won't be any conclusion with the discussion. Inside me, I know clearly that for the sake of H and his happiness, I should restrain myself no matter how painful it can be. It's better for one to suffer then three to suffer.
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