Why I refuse medication?

As described in previous post, therapist has explained the lack of neurotransmitters in my brain and suggested taking medicine to lift my mood. But I rejected the idea and I think the therapist understood my decision. The major trigger of this episode is because of drug eruption, I have quite a bit of drug phobia now. And, I had also experience taking similar drug for my neck and shoulder pain with side effects. I didn't like the side effect and I actually felt helpless with the side effects. An also important factor is that not 100% of depression can be treated by drug. To add on the difficulty, different drug has got different effect, one may need to go through a trial stage before finding the right one and dose, etc. There are quite a few uncertainties in drug that I want to be distant from it.

I have an objective to achieve with this episode of depression. In my life experience till now, I really have enough of it. Inside me, I know I am determined to get my life right this time. I have bet my life on it. If I can not achieve, then let it be. Certainly, I will try my very best. That's why I keep trying and trying. I have deep anger in me, I don't think I should live like what I have been till now for the remaining years in my life. I have suffered enough and I have also enjoyed whatever I wanted to be. I don't want to see myself carry on my life like what I have been till now. Therefore, I am determined to change as I see no point keeping a self that I hate in this world. This self that I hate should disappear in whatever form after this episode of depression. This should be the last episode of depression in my life.

I was again in the bottom yesterday. I MSNed with WL. I told him that I wanted to give up as I was really so tired. I hoped he wouldn't feel sad if I would choose to go and all my friends should also feel the same. This was because I had really tried my very best and I would have walked my last phase of life as a fighter. All should be released that I completed my life with right justification. In life, everyone should do his very best on the goal he set, but it doesn't mean success will come with every endeavor. There are always failure in life. If this fight of depression will be a failure, then I can accept it with peace as I will have done all I can. I am not a saint, I can't achieve everything I set for myself.

I guess those who know my ELE can understand this feeling.