flying phobia

An hour to go before going to the airport. Still quite unsettled inside me not knowing what will be coming along. Meditated for a while just now. Hope everything will be going under control. I am coming again SH and the cold cold winter.

He is my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

Take care my love..

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A day before leaving for SH

The job discussion was fruitful I thougth but I had no idea how it would turn out. Happy to meet old colleagues again. One of them was commenting that I looked as happy as before. I think Shifu was right that I should be awarded "the best actor forever". I went for my therapy after the job discussion. Update my current situation. Therapist was worry about my trip to SH tomorrow and asked if I needed a hospitalization leaves to rest at home for a period of time. I told him that I had somehow prepared for it inside me since a few days ago. I didn't feel any resistance or any feeling when I was making arrangement to go back SH this time. Therapist was still worried and asked me about the plan if the mood swing hit again. I told him han had promised to come over and sleep with me if necessary.

We discussed again about my situation and possible healing plan. I told him that I finally thought of a quite workable plan without relationship but not operable. That is to ask wl to take leave to accompany me everyday for a month. I am sure I can go back to normal self with him around. But we recognised that this was not operable as to ask wl to take leave to accompany for a month was just an over-the-board thought. I told him that I had been constantly thinking who at the end would be my saviour to take me out of this episode? Regarding H, therapist thought what I had done was affirmative. I told him that for the sake of H, maybe I should think more about his bf. If H would choose to leave his bf for me, then his bf would be the one who would suffer. I told him that H's bf was the entire opposite of me, I am a nerontic but H's bf is a character disorder. In psychological term, it is easier for nerontic to recover then character disorder if there is a mental disaster. If I am like that, I can't imagine how H's bf will behave. So I told my therapist, maybe I will think more about H's bf in order to force myself out of the situation.

I am now trying to move on without H at the moment in my life and leave to the universe to arrange my fate with H.

On verge of going insane

My emotion had been rather unstable since yesterday morning. After came back from JB with J, I was trying to calm myself. But there was something in mind that had to be settled. That was the job discussion with my previous company. I hesitated if I should arrange a meeting to discuss today or after I return from SH. I was quite stressed as I was not sure I had enough energy to withstand the blow if the discussion wasn't positive. After much struggled, I decided to call to make an appointment to discuss possible return to my ex-company with my ex-boss today. I guess my energy level was rather low as I could felt great fear inside me when I was talking to my ex-boss. I finally managed to arrange an appointment after talking to my ex-boss, however the turbulent inside me didn't subside any little. When I just hanged up on my ex-boss, H texted me again. Oh dear, I was hoping he wouldn't text me anymore. The simple message of "how's yr day?" triggered an emotion relapse. I felt my mind getting confused and my chest was busting again. I called up han for SOS. Han was trying her very best to console me and I was in trance stage 1/4 of time not knowing where my mind wondered to. There was a few times I thought I was going insane as I couldn't grasp my thought. I proceeded to shower after the phone call with han with slight calmness at 11pm.

After the shower, I decided to drive to H's place and asked to meet him. He was cool as usual and we drove to East Coast and talked for about 2 hours. He felt sorry to make me in agony. I told him that it was not his fault as he had told me from day 1 that he was attached and he couldn't offer to me anything. I told him that the part that pained me the most was I couldn't let go of him and I actually on one hand told him that I love him so much and on the other hand I was trying to make him, the one whom I love the most, to do something he shouldn't do. We asked so many times to each other what the other party wanted each other to do. I told him he needn't asked me. I just wanted him very much although I knew clearly that it was pure unethical and not possible. I told him if he wasn't H, I may have the will to leave him alone. Just like I managed to hold on when similar situation happened to M.

He asked me why I loved him so much. I told him that it was just because he was H. I wouldn't suffer so much if he was the other person. I didn't tell him that I love his smile, his eyes, his charm, his lip, his manner, his energy in life, his enthusiam in work, his positive attitude, his filiar piety, his considerate, his love and his everything. He said although he knew that we would be happy if we were to be together, but he had to still choose to stay with his bf as he came first and he still loved him very much. What else could I say further, except feeling pain in heart.

I sent him back around 1am and we knew that there won't be any conclusion with the discussion. Inside me, I know clearly that for the sake of H and his happiness, I should restrain myself no matter how painful it can be. It's better for one to suffer then three to suffer.

A tensed relaxing day

Woke up at 3am and did the same routine again. Meditated for an hour followed by light music to sleep again. Again woke up at 6am and did the same routine once again till 8am. Read paper and took breakfast. Rested awhile then set off to the gym to meet J for today program.

We gymed till 1130am and drove to JB. J wanted to check the property price there thinking of investment cum retirement plan. The sales assistant was very helpful providing very detailed information that we wanted to know. She spent rather long hour explaining and showing us all the necessary information. I think we can hardly find such a property agent in sg. The property price in JB was really cheap, a terrace costs only S$60 per sqft and about 110k sg for 1800 sqft. However, there won't be much capital gain for the next 10 to 20 years. I told J to ask around and confirm the property investment environment in JB before making the decision.

After the property talk, we came by a facial shop with dermalogica product. I had been wanting to do facial this time round, so we went in to bargain for a session. The sales again was very helpful, we got 50% off for first visit after few rounds of negotiation. We took dinner before we came back to sg at about 730pm. The custom traffic was quite all right today to and fro.

A simple day, but with persistent fear and panic in me throughout the day.