人不为己，天殊地灭

T & A brought me to dinner at a new club in Sentosa called 15 degree. Noting that I was down, A tried to console me with all means. We talked about coming out to parents, old friends in the circle, closeted friends, issues in the circle, etc, etc. My mood was obviously not easily been lifted under the current level of fatigue from both physically and mental exertion. A went a bit high spirited determined to convince me that life was full of brightness. The above statement was suddenly burst out in order to spike up my life. He further explained that this was best way to protect oneself from getting hurt.

I appreciated his effort to motivate me the whole night, but this strong statement was a bit disturbing to me as it was the exact echo after my ex's belief. My ex had been through quite a difficult time with a few earlier relationships, therefore he finally arrived at the above conclusion for his life motto. I had been trying to prove and convince him otherwise while we were together, but I guess I didn't have sufficient virtue in me to change this ingrained belief of him. Nevertheless, I still tried my best to lead and show him that there was a better alternative till the last day when I was with him. I hope he has brought back something useful and positive for his future life. I will then feel better as the relationship at least has benefited him a bit.

My first Valentine - A lost date

I am not too sure if twenty years of age gap is a problem to a relationship, but I did encounter a failed attempt when twenty years of difference was coupled by tremendous differences in background.

De was a lovely boy 20 years my junior. I didn't think he could be so young when I first met him although he looked actually that young. A bit of contradiction here, but this is how I felt then. He was the first date after I returned to sg from a 3 years stay in jp in 2003. I decided to quit my job in jp because I desired to get settled down in sg. It was a Valentine day 2 weeks after we dated. I was so excited as De would be the first Valentine in my life. Coincidentally, my shifu had just renovated an apartment close to Newton circle and he decided generously to lent it to me for a night to celebrate my first Valentine. We had a romantic night together with a valentine cake of a mushroom shape.

Thereafter, we dated for another two months and he was ready to get attached to me. De was a real good boy with simple and pleasant disposition. We got along well but somehow there was still a difficulty in communication due to differences in background. My feeling was good with him but I felt it would still be quite a bit away from being a couple. I explained to him my feeling and suggested we should stay as friends. He was nice and didn't pursue further. We were friends since then and got together for chat and karaoka occasionally.

My ex was rather insecure with my friendship with De soon after we got attached. I introduced them one day at De's work place when we were shopping at Paragon. They didn't seem to see eye to eye on each other. A mere polite nod was the only interaction they exchanged. I had also made quite an effort to convince my ex of my pure friendship with De.

I met up with De one day to watch Spiderman III after I broke off with my ex. We were sitting at a cafe chatting before the show commenced. De looked extremely bright and active on that day. He suddenly posed a question to me asking why I wanted to get attached with my ex. While I was fumbling with word to answer, he continued commenting jubilantly that my ex had a funny face with thick eyebrow. I looked at him amusingly and told him that my ex would be very upset if he were to hear that. My ex had always been very confident of his look and had always attracted attentions.

De sms me one day to inquire if he could be my bf when I was in SH. I was touched that he was still thinking of me after a good 4 year . I replied him that we would talk after I returned to sg. I had a real thought about the issue, but the rationale not to get attached with De was still very much valid in me. We talked when I got back from SH and I again suggested we better remained as friends. He was quite disappointed this time but again he didn't pursue further.

We hardly met thereafter as I needed to travel quite often now. I received his SMS again one day when I was in SH asking me if I was in sg. I told him that I would be returning 2 weeks later and he didn't reply. I tried to contact him after when I was back in town but somehow his hp was always in off mode. I tried looking for him at his work place also but couldn't get him in sight. I am real worry about how he is doing now, but I think I may just lose him completely.

Unmanageable situation - Man on drugs

"hmm.. What is your view on ONS?".

I was frequently being asked the question by new acquaintance when I was just out of closet in 1996. At the time, ONS was still very much a taboo. If you dared utter that you could accept ONS, you would be instantly labelled as a slut in no time by the community. Over the last ten years, sg gay culture went through quite a major change, from conservative attitude in sex to readily acceptance of open relationship. I am not too sure if this is the consequence of the active suana scene here since the last five years. So naturally, the response to the question has pretty much changed nowadays.

"hmm.. I don't think I can ever accept ONS in my life."

This standard model answer ten years ago will definitely fetch a negative response now. One will be immediately perceived as hypocrite, pretentious and not realistic. " To be open in sex is only the choice of individual" is very much a common belief now. There should not be an issue as long as an individual is happy with it in his life. I saw the culture developed recently further into much open attitude in sex in many ways. Going on futher, I also noted that entertainment drugs have also somehow parallely infiltrated into the culture together with the development. This situation doesn't seem to be exclusive in sg, but also prevail in Taiwan, China, etc. I am not too sure if the situation is unamanageable now in sg, but I do know that my drug situation recently goes unmanageable. Though I am refering to different category of drugs.

I have been suffering from neck and shoulder injury due to excessive tennis game since Jan this year. The collapse of the injury did not come accidentally. It was the result of constant cycle of injured, recoverd, tennis, injured, recover, tennis.... Tennis is indeed an additive game. And, tennis player is prompt to injury without sufficient warm up before the game. I think this is because the game requires high power to manage the racket and ball. I have got myself to blame as I was not a firm believer of warm up exercise prior to a game. I realised it too late and I am paying for it with high cost as the last relapse of injury not only deprives me the joy of playing tennis till now, but also upset my body system with persistent pain.

I have been constantly searching for medical helps from GP to orthopaedic, physiotherapy, tui-na, acupuncture from sg sports medicine to Mt E specialist, Gleneagles specialist. I have also undergone many x-rays, MRI, etc. The worst of the lot is the incessant input of drug into my body system.

Unbearable pain occured again 2 months ago and I was determined to get this out of my system this time. My GP made a strong recommendation on this specialist at Gleneagles. This was the third specialist whom I have consulted. I went to consult him hopefully and was put on a new drug called Lyrica for almost a month after he took a casual glance at me. The drug caused me dizziness for the whole duration. I even slept half way through the meeting at work. The condition didn't improve much and I was prescribed with Arcoxia 120mg (day) and Nuerontin 300mg (night) for another 3 weeks.

My body is long due for change lately I think. Not only suffering from problem of physical pain, but I also have problem with my stomach for colities and chronic gastritis. So naturally, I am under drug to manage the situation currently with Controloc 40mg in the morning and Salofalk 500mg twic a day. I have become a man on drugs unknowingly.

I had been taking 4 rather strong drugs for about 3 weeks and my body finally went haywired. I got an urgy 2cm dia blister developed on top of mouth hole while I was taking my dinner with J one night. The pain was so sharp that I had to broke the blister. My condition went unmanageable since then. I developed bad inflammation in my mouth that caused even swallowing water a tough challenge for me. My GP instructed me to stop Arcoxia immediately after much negotiation with the specialist. And not much better after that either as I have been immediately put on a strong antibiotic Amocla 625mg twice a day since then.

The past 7 days or so, my life was drugs, fluid food with hunger, sleeping in the meeting, constant fight with great pain that I have not encoutered in my life before. Much to my surprise, I still have energy to deal with my very type H and indulging in failed relationship. What a colorful life I have!

I am in a much depressed mode now I think, trying to stay afloat with both mental and physical pains. However, I have a strong belief that one will grow faster in a difficult situation. I am trying to separate my rationale self from the suffering entity in hope that I can still hold a firm grip on the total me.

Not too sure how this will progress next, but I have to still declare that the situation is in red and unmanageable.

I look at my life progression interestingly.....

Love in rebound - A boy I missed

It was so difficult when my ex finally admitted all the lies and betrayal. History repeated itself again. However, this time was much too serious as C was someone I really cared and wanted to live my life forever with. I was told that a new relationship was the best way to get out of the old one. So, I decided to take the advice since I was too much hurt and lost grip of myself.

Just 2 weeks after I broke off with my ex in Jun 07, I came to know Jo from Trevvy, a 28 year old boy from Malaysia working as a graphic designer in sg. We MSN to understand each other quite a bit before we chatted on the phone. I started traveling to SH quite often then and we chatted every night when I was there. He was detailed, confirming everything he wanted to know from interests, hobbies, views on relationship, characters, behaviours, etc. At the end of the second week of our phone chat, he finally decided that he would quit the guy he was dating in sg for a while and get attached with me. That was fast but I was most delighted as he looked my type on the photo and we could talk. Most importantly, I hoped the theory would work and I could get out of my agony. He had already been looking forward to my returning a week later.

We met after 2.5 weeks of remote communication. I landed in sg on a Friday night, rushed back home, washed and changed, then headed straight to his house, only five minutes drive from my place. He was sitting on a bench at his void deck waiting to receive me. Wow, a young and cute boy. He looked much younger than his age and could easily pass off as a secondary school boy if he was wearing a school uniform. He was shy and didn't dare to look me into my eye while talking the whole night. Although he was at the age of 28, I was happy that he was a boy of principle and he knew exactly what he wanted in his life. The important trait that upset my previous relationship. He was so lovely and I was already been treated like a beloved bf with an delicious chicken soup he specially prepared and an office shirt as a gift. We talked a lot and he even started planning for our future.

So much about the joy in meeting him that night. Though I was completely satisfied in all aspects to take him as my bf, I was secretly and swiftly swept by a turbulence within me. I later realized that it was the rebound love in action. He had a trip the next day with his family to BKK and we agreed to meet again after his turn.

On the day of his departure, I met up with my ex to settle the unsettled issues. My ex was still not prepared to break off at the time. I really loved him so much and I actually still love him as much now. When I was in SH and chatted with Jo the past 3 weeks, I thought I could manage to let go of him already. When I got to meet my ex again, the love between us just ran beyond my control, forgiving all the lies, all the betrayal that were hurting me so much. I wanted to give him opportunity, I found ways to help him realized the seriousness of his course of actions, I tried my means to give him confidence to gain back the relationship. I had exhausted all the means to justify the relationship worthy of a second try. However, my effort was all in vain and I couldn't find a slight point to even convince myself to stay with him further.

Though I was convinced that it's already an impossible for my ex to return, I still couldn't get myself out of the relationship. This state of mine was further muddling with the feeling on Jo. I was ridiculous but I just felt that I was stepping on two boats. I fight day and night hard with the two feelings in me. I was quite exhausted and in a total confused state so I turned cold to Jo, didn't keep close contact with him when he was in BKK. He sensed it in a conversation when he especially called to greet me good night from BKK. He finally managed to confront me on the situation after he returned on the phone. I was not in the state to provide adequate explanation to his query and I just managed to tell him that I needed more time to sort out my problem with my ex. He suddenly threw me a question asking if I love him or my ex more. Wow. what a question at a time like this? I told him frankly that he shouldn't compare at this stage as I had been lovely together with my ex for past 2 years and I just knew him for 3 weeks. I could detect that Jo was quite disappointed but he didn't pursue further. I stopped all communication with Jo thereafter thinking that it wouldn't be fair for me to go along with him like that if I didn't sort out my feeling properly on my ex. The decision was not easy as I had already an realization that I might loss Jo forever.

It was not untill 2 months later that I found myself more firm with my position and feeling. I called Jo a night when I was in SH, thinking that it was time I should explain to him what was going on. He accepted the explanation but thing was too late as expected. He was already attached with a new found bf. He told me that he thought he was not my type. I could only wish him all the best with his new found love. I tried to keep Jo as a friend after that, but I think he was not so keen. After a few efforts, I gave up and left thing to fate.

On love rebound, I missed a boy who might be my life partner.

My very Type - You are just irresistable to me!!

I have an idea type of lover/partner in my life, but I have never ever dream that I would come across him in this life.

Just 2-3 weeks ago, I thought I was finally liberated from my failed relationship. I lived blissfully day by day for a while, so I declared happily to Han that I finally returned to my normal self after 7 months.

I started posting ads to know people on the net and there were few interested candidates. The last time I came back to sg, I started meeting my new friends. While I thought I could rekindle my love to search for a new relationship, I felt something weird growing within me. I tried ignoring it and thought it might be just a minor phase to go. I continued my dating. Don just couldn't make it, he simply not my type. We just remain as friend now. J is a 25 year old young boy standing at 1.83m tall. Nevertheless he is quite matured at his age. He is currently doing his undergraduate studies and working as a part-time sales. We interacted quite well and he was very interested, but something was just not there. I suspected it was the weird feeling in action. We still remain dating.

I came to know another 27 year old boy A after I got back to SH the last time. A is currently pursuing MBA in NUS. We MSN and talked on the phone. He lied to me initially that he was not attached, but he was actually in a troubled relationship. The relationship finally fell through. I was there to pull him through a bit. So naturally he had good impression on me and we met up when I got back to sg this time. Conversation was smooth but something was not quite right again.

I examined hard this time and looked right into the weird feeling. My gosh, I saw the failed relationship was still sitting comfortably right in my heart. I still have urge to meet him, to call him, to rekindle the love with him. I suspected I am incapable of loving again, or as long as the failed relationship is still within me. This time I refused to allow myself to be entangled in the agony I thought I had lifted. I suppressed strongly the fear and feeling, I continued to find my date.

H appeared in my facebook last week and caught my attention immediately. I got connected with him hesitantly for a few reasons : (1) he looks rather young; (2) he has high potential to "kill" me if something go astray as he is just my very type; (3) I have no confidence that I can contend the weird feeling inside me.

The first day to meet last week was eventful. He made me waited till 11pm and canceled the dinner last minute without any reason. I was calm though as I was still very hesitant. I thought it might be fated that we shouldn't crossed each other, and safer that way to. He made the re-connection again sincerely and cheerfully. I responded accordingly and just went along with the flow as I felt the weird feeling was getting out of my hand each day. Inside me, there was a a strong hope that he could be the savior to me for not letting the weird feeling get out of control.

We finally got to meet on Monday for lunch. True as what I thought, I was completely charmed by him, his eye, his lip, his smile, his manner, his conversation, his look, his height, his energy, hie everything. My heart was pounding again!! H is a 29 year old boy working as a PR officer. Concurrently, he is managing his own business and taking a degree course part time. We chatted very well in a Japanese restaurant at City hall, then we proceeded to coffee club to continue our conversation. We talked about work, society, belief, interest, etc joyfully. I was so engrossed in his story and felt a bit surprised that we were so matching. Conversation went too well, but I knew I had an important question to ask. I picked a right interval and casually asked about his relationship. He casually answered that he was happily attached with normal problems expected from couples.

I composed myself quite well as I told myself again that this might be better as this boy has the potential to kill me if something doesn't go well. His attached status would deter anything from happening. We ended the coffee chat happily and he insisted to meet again before I returned to SH. We exchanged incessant SMS right after we parted. His invitation came fast and we met the next day for lunch again. Another fantastic lunch cum coffee session. I was completely dismantled into pieces. My defense mechanism was not in function at all. We continued SMS again after the session.

I knew something was not very right. I didn't want to be a third party. I didn't what to re-act my failed relationship with my ex in a different role. I had strong fear developed within me. I didn't know what to do and what would be installed for me. Worst of all, I didn't know if I could handle anything forthcoming. My very type H and my failed relationship C. It was just not something that I could cope at the same time at this current state of mind.

After we parted from coffee yesterday, I decided that I needed a break from work. I went to visit my grand-pa, mom, and two aunts in the temple where they "live" now. I prayed to them to give me energy to go through this... and i don't usually pray although i am a buddhist. Then I went to the main shrine of the temple to talk to Kuan-Yin Goddess, in hope that she would be compassionate on my derailed stage and bestow me energy to work through this. However, I dared not ask for a single thing, neither for H to stay with me nor for C to return faithfully to me. I dared not ask because I feared very much the disappointment came later. I gathered that I couldn't handle further disappointment again.

Follow on, I drove to CCK to meet my poor sister, who has been staying there alone for the past 2.5 years. If she would still be alive, maybe I could have one more person to help in this world. I then visited my mum's mum staying not too far away there too. The grand mom who always taught me to forget and forgive when she was alive. I stayed with grand mom for a while, wanting to gain some sense of serenity from death. I visualized that I was dead and there would not be problem from H, C, pain, suffering, agony anymore.

While I was gaining a tiny bit of energy from my round of paying respect, the SMS with H were non-stop and all sweet. But, I knew this could not carry on further. I hoped to settle this fast. He texted again to ask to meet for coffee at night. We agreed to meet after 11pm when I finished a movie preview. My heart was not on the movie at all, though it was a great hit Golden Compass. I rushed down to Bedok to pick him up and we headed to East Coast for a chat.

We chatted long along the beach about his business venture. I was amazed of his business knowledge at such a young age without any practical or educational background. I think he is a gifted business person. He analyzed and strategized with all the right frameworks that I had learned in MBA studies. I encouraged him to move forward confidently and I wanted so much that I could be there to realize his business ambition together with him. Perfect and enjoyable conversation with a bit of romance, but we both knew that something important beneath had to be settled. He admitted that if not for his status now I would be the guy he wanted to stay forever when he first saw me. I told him my feeling too. But we knew that this couldn't work as there was a third party in question. It was so very reluctant but we agreed that this should be our last meeting, for we knew clearly that we couldn't stay just as a friend when the feeling was so strong towards each other. Someone would get hurt and we didn't want anyone to get hurt. He made a last request that I should SMS one last time after I reached home safely. I agreed and text him the following:

Sorry about what I did just now. It shouldn't have happened. Please keep your promise that you will be happy forever as there is the sole reason why I can let go of you. You can still call me if you encounter any difficulty in future, but please make sure that it is a major one as you know I will rush to your side where ever I will be. Make this as the last SMS, you needn't reply. Really happy to have met you as you let me know that I still have the capability to love someone again. Good bye my love, you will always be in my heart. Hugs and muacks.

The episode should end here and I was again all exhausted. My yet-to-heal scar on my heart went all bleeding again. And I encountered a sleepless night again after barely few months. I hope this won't last for too long. My life go aimless again.

I closed all my profile in facebook, fridae, guys4men, trevvy. I erased all the recent acquaintances in my MSN listing. This is what I feel I should do, but I am all clueless about my healing plan next. Sign.... I am tearing again. so useless me...

永 远 的 师 父

我 没 有 到 过 少 林 学 艺 , 也 不 懂 得 耍 十 八 般 武 器 .
所 以 , 我 的 师 父 不 是 耒 自 武 林 .
之 所 以 称 他 为 师 父 . 是 因 为 他 引 我 入 道 – 同 志 之 道 .
转 眼 间 , 己 是 十 年 前 的 事 了 吧 !
于 日 本 工 作 时 ,
因 寂 寞 常 上 I R C 找 人 闲 聊 而 结 识 了 师父 .
师 父 一 听 说 我 还 是 一 个 躲 在 框 子 里 的 乖 小 孩 ,
马 上 胜 意 拳 拳 的 大 铺 红 毯 , 迎 我 出 框 .
还 记 得 是 9 6 年 1 0 月 份 的 时 候 ,
日 本 工 干 完 毕 回 国 后 ,
于 碧 山 中 心 第 一 次 与 师 父 会 面 ,
也 结 下 了 往 后 十 年 与 师 父 纷 纷 扰 扰 之 缘 份 .
通 过 师 父 的 管 道 , 结 识 了 许 多 同 道 之 人 ,
见 识 了 本 地 的 同 志 活 动 ,
也 一 起 到 过 曼 谷 开 广 了 对 同 志 圣 堂 的 见 闻 .
师 父 对 我 的 同 志 生 涯 是 有 深 厚 的 启 蒙 , 教 导 之 恩 的 .
所 谓 一 朝 为 师 , 终 生 为 师 .
对 师 父 的 赐 于 , 我 是 永 记 于 心 的 .

世 上 一 切 情 感 都 没 有 一 帆 风 顺 的 .
与 师 父 一 起 走 过 的 十 年 岁 月 ,
有 尽 情 的 欢 笑 , 有 固 执 的 争 吵 ,
有 不 谅 解 的 误 会 , 有 坚 难 的 悲 兮 .
十 年 后 的 今 天 , 感 情 由 浓 转 淡 ,
起 起 伏 伏 , 达 到 了 今 日 的 君 子 之 交 .
虽 没 有 以 往 的 亲 密 , 但 也 不 失 对 彼 此 生 活 的 关 怀 .
毕 竟 , 在 这 复 杂 的 圈 子 里 ,
拥 有 一 段 坦 然 的 友 情 是 难 得 的 .

岑 夫 子 , 丹 丘 生 , 将 进 酒 , 杯 莫 停 .
与 君 歌 一 曲 , 请 君 为 我 倾 耳 听 .
钟 鼓 馔 玉 不足 贵 但 愿 长 醉 不 复 醒 .
古 耒 圣 贤 皆 寂 寞 , 惟 有 饮 者 留 其 名 .
-- 李 白

Wrote on 31 Dec 05

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith - Liberated from my entangled date

I needed much a break away after almost four months of exhausting relationship. I’m not sure if I can even call it a relationship at all. Lies, betrayals, no connection and no communication. I had not in my life been through such a phase dealing with so much lies straight on my face. I was entangled in a relationship that I knew there was no reason to keep but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I sought help from WL, my best friend in London through phone and I broke down in tears.

Tearing was actually quite remote to me and has always been an enemy of me since the age of 15. I had actually resolved not to shed tear in my life since then after a painful incidence. I didn’t tear even when I lost my beloved grandmother some ten years ago. However, I broke down in tears the second time for the same cause since 15. I really doubted my reason for my persistence to keep the composure over so many years. Be it what it is now, I have no intention to make a change of that resolution.

WL advised me not to make any serious decision since I was so confused. I reconciled with him again before I flew to bkk for the much needed holiday. He was still puzzled why there was a need for me to go bkk then. I went with a colleague for a leisure trip.

My mom told me two days before my departure that my younger sister had been warded in the hospital for stomachache. I noted that and thought of visiting her in the hospital before I left for my trip. However, I didn’t manage to make the time partly because I thought it was a trivial cause and partly because I was busy clearing my work before I left for holiday. I returned five days later and was told that my sister had returned home for recuperation.

The next day I finished and left my work earlier to head for my younger sister’s place at around 4pm. I met my brother-in-law when I reached the gate. He secretly pulled me aside after he sent off some visitors. I was a bit taken aback by his behavior and he suddenly broke me a news that shocked me dumb with fear. My younger sister was diagnosed with liver cancer. My sister was not informed yet and my brother-in-law wanted me to stay till 7pm as the chief doctor-in-charge who was a family friend would be coming to release and explain the diagnosis to my sister.

My sister looked very pale and weak when I met her in her room. She was lying there with some of her friends around her. We were all waiting for the doctor to come. Dr P was really kind and patient. He explained the procedures leading to the diagnosis meticulously to my sister. My sister listened intensively trying to grasp the meaning of the words coming out from him. She looked helpless but calm at first. After she finally understood she was in the final stage of liver cancer without knowing the primary cause, she broke down in tears. She struggled with the very basic question of why it must be her? After a short while, she regained her composure and tried to contain her fear. She told the doctor firmly she wanted to survive and she wanted a treatment.

Adenocarcinoma with liver metastases

I didn’t know what it was when the doctor uttered the word, but I had to understand the truth identity of it in order to help my sister to fight for survival. I combed through google fanatically to get a gist and asked my doctor friends for more information. I went to bookshop to comb the books on pathology. The more I knew about the real identity the more I understood the seriousness of my sister’s situation. The CT scan really scared me. Nothing was in order. We visited all the oncologists who were the authority in the area we could find in Singapore. Nothing was good. “To focus on quality of life” was the key I got from all my search.

My sister and brother-in-law chose to deny the fact, for they were too lovely to part with each other. My sister was also worried about her three kids. She prayed to her Lord not too take her away just yet. That was the first time I saw her so helpless and weak in fear. My heart was tearing, but I couldn’t tear.

I had to be the support of my sister and her family. My brother-in-law was totally lost in the game seeing her beloved wife’s suffering. There were three kids in her family to tender too. I had also to take care of my parents and siblings. My father was kept in dark till the very last minutes as we were afraid that he might not be able to take the blow because of his high blood pressure. My mother forced my elder’s sister to tell her the truth when seeing her broke down in tears after I broke the news to her. They were both living with tears from the day onwards. My second sister was also not in good health herself and my youngest brother had his family to take care. I never felt so powerless and alone in my life before.

To put salt on the wound, I found my ex solicited for sex again on the first night of the year 2005 when I had to attend to my sister. I trembled so violently at the time that I had to completely dumb myself, for I knew clearly that I did not have time to care for my own feeling. On the second day of 05, I met my ex for dinner and explained to him that I had no more energy to continue the relationship. We finally ended the whatever relationship that supposed to have been terminated on the very first moment that we met. Certainly no one in my family knew about the double blow that I was getting. I had to still going on with my support for them since it was just the beginning of the fight for my sister. I never in my life knew that I could manipulate myself like a robot.

We decided to break the final result of the examination to my sister after the Christmas in 2004, for we wanted her to celebrate the last Christmas with her family at ease. After the day, we were all geared to fight the impossible with my sister as she decided to go through chemo treatment. The treatment that was both frightening and without high chance. However, my sister decided that she wanted every chance to live, for her beloved husband, children and family. The chemo seemed to do something good at the initial phase of the first two weeks, but the cancer cell just proved too aggressive after that and the doctor had to declare ‘no more treatment’. Both my sister and brother-in-law were completely exhausted after stormed by the verdict. They were suddenly flat and dumb for a time. My brother-in-law was still not prepared to hand away his love yet. He resorted to divine healing. Whatever it was, my sister was getting weaker and weaker each day.

On the day of 31 Jan 05, my sister was finally been called back to the home of her lord.

Wrote on 12 Apr 05

My overseas romance - You are my regret for life

He was a Thai and he was my regret forever. Somkit was his name. I met him in Sydney when I was studying. He was learning English there and partiming at a restaurant to support himself. He was my type, a boy-next-door with everything I so desired physically. I felt in love with him at first sight and actively went after him.

I waited for him after his work and sent him back home from Bondi to Manly, an hour drive away from where I stayed. He was interested but he was reserved at first. He told me that he was just out of a relationship and couldn’t trust it any more. I persisted and showed him I cared in everyway. He stayed over with me sometimes and I helped him in his studies. We developed and heart grew closer with every second ticked by. He reciprocated and personally made me a burger whenever I picked him up from his work. The taste of the burger was the best in the world and remained in my heart since then forever.

We were strolling along the beach of Manly one day when I sent him home about 5pm in the evening. There was no one in the beach except the two of us, as if this famous world surfing beach was created for us to make our vow for love. We sat on an old log watching and listening to the wave-symphony orchestrated by nature. I hold him tight and kissed him so fondly. He finally said this to me : “I was hurt and I was lost. And I can’t afford to make a second mistake now. But to you, I’m willing to try, please take me in your hand and hold me tight.” So touched at the time, I fumbled the few words :”I thank you for your reciprocation and will treasure you now and forever.”

The next two months we were in heaven and paradise. Life went on well with studies, work and fun. However, the day not supposed to come yet had to come. He was studying in my house and we had an argument. I must be too guilty till I forcefully forgot all the details by now. I sent him back home the next day and didn’t want to call him again. He called and I answered dully to his question, without knowing that was the last time I ever heard his voice again. I was busy with my studies subsequently and I didn’t want to think about it too much. And, I had to suppress my urge to approach his best friend to ask his where-about whenever I occasionally passed by his best friend's shop.

Time flies, regret finally got to me a day. I realized hard that I had betrayed my vow to him. I must have hurt him so much at the time. And I had actually hurt someone I said I love in an irresponsible and childish way. I wanted to say sorry so much but the message could never be delivered. I lost him totally and had no mean to contact. Again, there was no meaning to apologize since the damage had already been done. I hate the idea of slapping people on the face and say sorry after that.

To my regret:

You will always be in my heart and thank you for the time with me;
I will never forget the taste of the burger you made it especially for me,
The vow I made in Manly I vividly remember;
I betrayed childishly and I realized it too late;
I hope I can say the same to you again one day;
If not in this life, then I will wait for next;
And I will hold on to it this time even if the retribution is on me.

Wrote on Mar 05

My very first date - Let bygone be bygone

He was a doctor and not exactly my type. I first met him when a close friend introduced him to me at Studiobaker in 1997. A very casual ‘Hi’ and he was forgotten.

We met again a few months later when the same friend brought him along to a lunch appointment with me. He was interested and actively pursuing me. He invited me to his stage performance, friend’s gathering, swimming, jogging, etc. We had our good times, vacationing in a beach resort; making our dreams together in starry nights; listening to his poem reading, etc. I was captivated by his multi-talent in two weeks.

Unfortunately, that was about the length of the good times together before I broke the news to him that I had to leave for study in two months time for two years. We talked, we discussed and we argued. He didn’t want a long distant relationship. I had to let him go after a long toil as he was indecisive. I think I treated him too good that made him swaying. We struggled back and forth again to find a solution. Finally, I had to ask him to leave my car right away after the last long argument on a night when I sent him home and resolved not to meet again. This was because his indecisiveness could only harm both of us further and deeper.

I needed the following three years to neutralize him in me and required the next two years to realize that he not wanting a long distant relationship might just be an excuse. I think he wasn’t sure about the relationship after the two-week trial. I learned my first lesson about love.

Thank you my first date. I will forever remember the poem you liked to read to me:

He was my North, my South, my East and my West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-- by W.H Auden

Wrote on 25 Apr 05

The first very best of friend - My model of relationship

He was my childhood friend. My first very good friend. Very very good friend. If I were to be asked the first friend I knew, he will be the one. Actually, I’m not too sure if he was really the first friend I knew in my life, but my memory registers this way. I think it’s because of him that I have always been so much yearning for a good company/relationship. It was really far away from now, I don’t even have much memory to describe him, except his name and nick name. His name is Lim Teck Siang. He has got an interesting nick called ‘po tan nie’. Friends in neighborhood all called him his nick. I don’t even have the memory on the meaning of his nick. Strangely, the feeling of being with him is still so vividly with me now.

We were always together after school. Although we were attending different primary school, we would always meet mostly at his house after school. I can’t even remember if we ever play game together. The only thing in my memory is the chatting. We always chatted whenever we met. We seemed to have lots of thing to talk about. We would talk and talk till lunch time. We would continue to talk again after lunch till dinner time and followed though till bed time. We talked right after the sun rise. We talked till the sun set. I can’t understand even now if there was really so many thing to talk about between two primary school kids, but I can still feel the closeness with him whenever I think of we meeting and chatting.

He shifted house sometime when we were in upper primary. I didn’t even remember if we ever bid farewell to each other. However, I remember he came back to visit me once when we were in lower secondary school. We had a brief chat then. Although it was a total silence, the visual image of the last meeting was deeply rooted in my mind. I remember every expression on the occasion but not a single word was recorded.

I think he definitely has a strong influence in my view for relationship. I have been longing to match someone real in life with him in my fond memory.

Wrote on March 05