There were a few things in my mind when I decided to return to SH. Besides the needs from work, I thought it was important to be alone for a while to regain discipline to be independent. When staying alone in SH, I would have more time to myself that I had to plan how to fulfill it. I thought of doing more meditation and reading at this juncture as a way to heal. I have been meditating quite intensively after I got back to SH. I observed many things in meditation; my fear, my panic, my feeling for H, etc. I was also mindful on my feelings when I was out of meditation in order to keep emotion in place. I thought I progress quite well in contending fear and panic attack, but I am not too sure if I can say the same when my sleep pattern seems to get worst.
I was quite determined to do an intensive meditation yesterday night at 10pm, but I was quite exhausted from insufficient sleeping hours in the previous night, the whole day work and half an hour jog in the gym. After I meditated for about half an hour, I concluded that I needed to sleep to regain energy before I could do something. I went to bed at around 1030pm with the usual inner talk for peace of mind playing at the background. I finally dragged myself out of the bed at around 230am to start my meditation. I think it must be because of job situation, my anxiety level has been rather high. It was not an easy night. I at least woke up four times between 1030pm to 230am to re-play the inner talk to get myself to sleep again. Meditation started with lots of panic inside me. Although I managed to observe and overcome the panic during an hour of meditation, I still couldn’t improve the sleep pattern. The sleep pattern from 330am to 630am was not much better.
I am not too sure now that though I had in bed for 7 hours in total, how many hours of sleep I actually had for a night. Although I am quite worried on how long I can sustain with this pattern, I am also looking forward to see in what way I can overcome this pattern.
Wrote on 18 Jan
I was quite determined to do an intensive meditation yesterday night at 10pm, but I was quite exhausted from insufficient sleeping hours in the previous night, the whole day work and half an hour jog in the gym. After I meditated for about half an hour, I concluded that I needed to sleep to regain energy before I could do something. I went to bed at around 1030pm with the usual inner talk for peace of mind playing at the background. I finally dragged myself out of the bed at around 230am to start my meditation. I think it must be because of job situation, my anxiety level has been rather high. It was not an easy night. I at least woke up four times between 1030pm to 230am to re-play the inner talk to get myself to sleep again. Meditation started with lots of panic inside me. Although I managed to observe and overcome the panic during an hour of meditation, I still couldn’t improve the sleep pattern. The sleep pattern from 330am to 630am was not much better.
I am not too sure now that though I had in bed for 7 hours in total, how many hours of sleep I actually had for a night. Although I am quite worried on how long I can sustain with this pattern, I am also looking forward to see in what way I can overcome this pattern.
Wrote on 18 Jan
No comments:
Post a Comment