K texted to invite for D's birthday dinner on Friday 2 weeks ago. The immediate response was "sure to meet SH again". The immediate reply to the response was not to attend the dinner. After a few more thoughts, I decided that I should be immune enough this time to face him again, after due consideration of the 2 weeks taken to return to norm when we last met. A common belief states that one should improve on the same situation after encountering the situation again and again. I was naively taken in by the belief. When the day drew near, Loy suddenly returned to SG for meeting on last Monday and would stay till Friday for the dinner. I actually felt a sense of relief knowing that Loy would attend the dinner with me. I told Loy about my brief struggling on whether to attend the dinner, he understood the feeling and told me I could always choose not to go if I would feel better. I put on a brave front and told him that I should be all right this time.
I arrived with Loy slightly late for the dinner. Sure enough SH and his bf were already there with K and D. We exchanged hugs with D and proceeded to take the food on the buffet counter as they had already started their round. Loy quickly threw me a warning asking me to sit far away from SH. I noted to him and decided maybe I should also avoid talking to him for the night. I did just that for the whole night except a brief hello at the buffet counter. However, I managed to talk to his bf the first time that night. He sounded quite a nice guy and I told Loy that I might be doing the right thing of pulling out before hurting anyone. Loy agreed and he was kind enough to check on my feeling a few times that night. I told him repeatedly the feeling was still strong but was under control.
We ended the dinner at 10pm and Loy, Ken and I proceeded to karaoke. I came home at about 2am in the morning and touched the bed about 3am after settling down myself. Yes, SH was in me all the while. I woke up at about 9am this morning. Shit, the struggling hit strong again. Although I knew that might happen but I obviously underestimated the feeling for him once again. It was getting from bad to worst and I actually felt heartache after more than a year of quietness. I am surprised a heartache still can happen in a dead body.....
I talked to Loy and told him that I might have to avoid future gatherings with K and D. I told him the decision was not easy as both helped me quite alot during my depression. I also feel apologetic to both as the immediate next gathering will be the birthday celebration for K. Loy asked me not to think too much and go with my decision if I am still not ready.
Yes, I am not ready. For SH, I am also not sure if there is a day when I am ready to face him without any feeling attached.
I arrived with Loy slightly late for the dinner. Sure enough SH and his bf were already there with K and D. We exchanged hugs with D and proceeded to take the food on the buffet counter as they had already started their round. Loy quickly threw me a warning asking me to sit far away from SH. I noted to him and decided maybe I should also avoid talking to him for the night. I did just that for the whole night except a brief hello at the buffet counter. However, I managed to talk to his bf the first time that night. He sounded quite a nice guy and I told Loy that I might be doing the right thing of pulling out before hurting anyone. Loy agreed and he was kind enough to check on my feeling a few times that night. I told him repeatedly the feeling was still strong but was under control.
We ended the dinner at 10pm and Loy, Ken and I proceeded to karaoke. I came home at about 2am in the morning and touched the bed about 3am after settling down myself. Yes, SH was in me all the while. I woke up at about 9am this morning. Shit, the struggling hit strong again. Although I knew that might happen but I obviously underestimated the feeling for him once again. It was getting from bad to worst and I actually felt heartache after more than a year of quietness. I am surprised a heartache still can happen in a dead body.....
I talked to Loy and told him that I might have to avoid future gatherings with K and D. I told him the decision was not easy as both helped me quite alot during my depression. I also feel apologetic to both as the immediate next gathering will be the birthday celebration for K. Loy asked me not to think too much and go with my decision if I am still not ready.
Yes, I am not ready. For SH, I am also not sure if there is a day when I am ready to face him without any feeling attached.
