ELE - Part I

I born as the third child in the family and I am the long expected one as there are two sisters before me. My father was overjoyed when he knew that he got a son. He is a typical Chinese traditional man. Son is more important than daughter. He finally could continue his family lineage. Mum told me that he was so happy he bought a radio for the nurse in KK hospital as a gift. My arriving in this world sounded so perfect and lovely.

No one can remember his life story as early as 5 years old. I picked up some pieces here and there during casual talk with mum. We stayed at a two story shop house when I was young. When I was still a baby, I had ever dropped down from 2nd story while my paternal grandma was taking care of me one day. I didn't bid farewell to this world as there was something there reducing the impact of the fall. I thought I remembered mum ever said the incident also caused a big quarrel between my dad and my grandma. What I had as a repercussion was the prompt to headache since young.

My dad was a very hardworking business man. He had only his business in mind day and night. He was not a father who knew how to care about the children. I guess he left the caring role to my mum. My mum was a simple, happy-go-lucky and easily jealous woman. She would tear away any photo of my dad taking with young girl beside. She was simple as such that she would also take care of her children in a very simple manner, ie, eat, sleep and grow.

As my dad is a businessman since I am born, my house has been quite well-to-do type. I have no sense of real financial difficulty before. On top of that I had never difficulty in studies during my primary school years. Not that I was a top student, but I always could score averagely without much work done. Therefore, the memories of my childhood are play and play under no one control. except occasional preaching by my dad. What a rosy picture for a kid like this! Care free, full of enjoyment and ultimate happiness.

However, when I brought my memory back to my childhood time, I always saw a lonely kid playing hard with laughter in his face running about from places to places. At the back alley of the house, crossing the street alone, rooming the neighborhood aimlessly. I always can feel the strong loneliness in this kid. I think I see the 6 to 11 years old me.

This lonely kid was definitely not as happy as he acted. There was a good phrase on this. The person who laughs the most is the person who has the most sorrow as the laughter is the disguise of the deep sorrow within. I have been like this since my childhood time. I always like to laugh. Everyone always sees me look happily in life. I have always been asked this question throughout my life, "Why are you so happy today?". huh... I always didn't even know that I looked happy. It was just my training from childhood.

This lonely kid always hated himself from childhood time. He didn't like his look, his voice, his behavior, his mannerism, his all doing. This lonely kid had never like to look himself in the mirror. Standing in front of the mirror, the lonely kid would always intentionally see pass through the self image reflected in the mirror. Occasionally, he might steal a glance of himself, he would immediately felt highly uneasy as though he came across something horrifying.