A Friend Not Wanted

K had a huge collection of MP3 from a friend's aunt. I had been eying the collection for long and told him repeatedly I would go over his house to duplicate them. K complained about TS alienating him for quite a while. Taking the opportunity, I invited TS to join us for dinner on the day I arranged to go K's house to duplicate the MP3. I hoped both could make up with this dinner.

We met in a coffee shop near K's house for dinner. While I was talking to TS, K appeared with another friend A. We dined and joked during the dinner, then proceeded to K's house after the dinner. I was eager to lay my hand on the MP3 as I had been longed for the collection. Bringing out my mobile hard disk, I headed directly to the machine. K sat in the same room with TS chatting and A went to the other room for reading. As the collection was arranged in i-tune format that we were not familiar. We first exchanged the method of duplicating the MP3 to my mobile hard disk. I could sense that K was a bit worry about I might mess out his collection and didn't want me to do anything to alter his configuration. I had no choice but only to do the tedious way of duplication.

While I was thinking and trying to figure out the most efficient way of copying, K suddenly told me that A wanted to use the computer and asked me to give way to A. I was puzzled and told him that I thought I made this arrangement long before to copy the MP3. He answered back quite rudely and sarcastically saying that A needed the computer for his work urgently and it's more important for A to use the computer. I could not be happy but I kept my silence and tried to figure out a method to copy what I wanted in the shortest time. It was not an easy task as there was about 60G of data to filter and duplicate. K wasn't happy too I guessed, he pushed me again with his impatient voice to give way to A after about 5 mins. I was agitated but I couldn't do anything as I was only a guest in his house and I wasn't the owner of the computer. I told him I needed another 15 mins to at least round off what I had been doing. While I was trying to tidy up fast what I had been doing, the cynical voice of K again hovering through demanding me to just leave my hard disk there for copying and quickly gave the machine to A. I immediately terminated what I had been doing and packed up my hard disk. I went to the next room and informed A that he could have the computer now. A was a bit surprised and told me not to worry and proceed to use the computer if I wanted. I told him that I should give way to his urgent work. A replied that it was not work and nothing urgent. He just wanted to read his personal emails. I was a bit shocked with the truth, but I still kept my silence. I left the house after A took over the computer.

I had known K for more than 10 years. It was just him that would do such thing. This was not the first time K took our friendship for granted, but this was definitely the last straw that I could take. Normally if a friendship turns sour like this, I will just let it be and keep silence. Besides WL, I hardly will tell anyone the detail. I just see no point heralding a failed friendship. And there is always a possibility of "hurting someone" by doing that. So I would try to avoid the topic of K when someone asked about him. Actually, TS called me not long after I left K's place. TS was the only witness of the whole saga. He called trying to see if I was angry and upset. As my usual self, I didn't want to talk about it. I just tried to deviate from the topic and ended our conversation. I don't even mention anything to TS till now even though we are very close friend. With the same principle, I avoided the topic of K with quite a few mutual friends till now. I normally just like to let the person disappear from my life if the relationship doesn't work out. I don't like to lead a quarrelsome life.

However I avoided the topic, related query still find its way to me. J asked me two days ago what happened between K and me. As my usual self, I didn't want to reveal anything. He told me that he heard from a friend about my fall off with K. K told the friend that "I touched his computer and he asked me not to, then I got angry with him pettily".

Wow.... I was speechless. I can never understand why someone can take a friend of more than ten years for granted till such an extend.

This again is a solid validation of my moto!!

Frozen Flower - The King way of love

M suggested to watch a Korean movie "Frozen Flower" on my 2nd day in BKK. Oops, I have to use film as M considers himself a British now and British says film.

I don't like the movie actually. To be exact, I don't like the plot of the movie. I guess the main reason is that I quite like the first part of the movie but the second part is too out of my taste. The story developed in the first part matches my idea of love and relationship, however, I don't agree to dramatize the king's madness to the extent of so bloody a outcome even after the king is betrayed by his love due to his selfish motive of protecting his own interest. I felt quite heavy after the movie. M did't like the movie either as he felt the movie portrayed gay love negatively. We both agree that love shouldn't be so bloody. Everyone has to learn how to let go at certain point of time. I told M that the outcome of the movie might still be rationale due to the power of the king. A king has too mighty a power. If a person with so mighty a power can't manage himself when he is confronted with situation, disaster can happen. Unlike a common person like us, it is easier for us to let go when we are confronted with situation as that may be the only choice.

We later talked about our idea of love when we had dinner at Greyhound restaurant in Paragon. M said that he only cares about whether he loves a person rather than if the person loves him. This is because he can't handle the situation when he will to find out the person actually doesn't love him as he always think so. Therefore, he can survive in a relationship when he loves the person but the person may not love him. We talked about his relationship with Clive. We have a discussion on whether there is love for Clive. He thinks that he doesn't love Clive as he has decided not to be in a relationship with him. He equated love with relationship and he thought maybe he only loved himself the most. I told him love doesn't necessary result in a relationship. I feel that he still loves Clive but he now realises that Clive is not the person to be with in a relationship.

We talked about my ex. He later realised that he doesn't even know the reason of our parting. I told him I don't believe in heralding the story of a failed love. I don't see a need to go around talking bad about the person I once loved. And this applies to friendship as well. I don't normally explain to others when my friendship with someone turns sour. Many friends have voiced their view of staying as a friend after a failed relationship. I also don't agree with this rationale. I don't understand how one, who can't treasure the love when in a relationship, can treasure the friendship later. I always think life shound't be so quarrelsome, two persons should choose to be together to complement and grow rather than destroying each other when in a relationship. If that can't be done, then life should proceed better without the other party in his life.

Diary - 12 Apr 09

I have been extremely lethargy since my return from Tokyo. I slept almost throughout the whole Sat day and night and woke up this morning very late. Still feeling very tired. The trip was fine actually. In a way, I am glad that I have finally fulfilled my wish of accompanying my mum for a tour. This sounded very stupid, but I really required to overcome many hurdles from external and within me mentally. My setup just wasn't wired in this way and I am glad now that I managed to complete the trip without much turbulent in me. I believe both my mum and sis enjoyed the trip reasonably well.

I received a sms from an unregistered guy last month, msg "call u but no reply. What happen". I don't know who he is and I didn't have any missed call actually. I have the habit of cleaning up my phone contact once in a while. I don't normally like to keep the following categories of contact :

- the number that I should forget
- the number that I don't usually use
- the number that I don't need
- the number that only required temporary memory

I know it's not very polite to text back the person to ask about his identity. People will get offended and I always got no further answer in my previous few such attempts. In this case, I thought for quite a while and decided to text back "Are you sure you have the right number?". I thought it was quite a logical question to ask as I had no any missed call. However, the outcome was the same, I received no answer from the other party again.

I received another msg from the same guy again when I was in Tokyo, "Dear I miss miss miss u alot". I would be quite touched 3 years ago when I received such msg. I am only quite confused now as who this guy is. I just can't recount to whom I deserves him to miss me 3 times so much. Though I wasn't touched, I at least should treat this person with enough kindness for missing me so much. I texted back "yep, yep... anything happen?". I thought someone who suddenly thought of me so much might be encountering difficulty in life now that need a listening ear. He replied "Anything happened means what?". Well, guess I had to explain, "Asking if you are fine-:) How are you?". He replied "ok. work as usual. Just took my lunch. Miss u"..... Huh, the forth time and I still don't know who is thinking of me. I kindly responded " good, work hard ya." We stopped there with my doubt on his identify grows every second. Later, I tried again with another msg "Can give me your msn?". I got this reply to show my effort was in vain," I do not have dear. I mean msn." Maybe I should have just asked who he is.

Fashion in Tokyo

I always know Tokyo is the place for fashion all along, but I was still surprised with the overwhelming choices when I was shopping for bags this trip. I wanted a causal bag for traveling. I hunted all possible shops in Singapore a few times before the trip. Loy also accompanied me twice when he was in SG. We shopped high and low along orchard road. Although we found a few close matches, they were still not fully desirable to our taste. We couldn't found anything with the right design, size or material used. We concluded that we couldn't get anything we liked in SG and Loy kindly borrowed me one of his bag temporary for this trip. I intended to get one when I was in Tokyo.

I first started looking for a bag when I was shopping in Agnes B voyage boutique in Omotesando. I immediately found 2 bags that exactly fitted what I wanted. I managed to control my urge of buying and told myself not to rush into buying as it was just the beginning of my bag shopping. I was lucky that I made the right decision as I was filled with choices when I later shopped at Takashimaya, Marui, Isetan. I called Loy and told him that he should be there with me as I couldn't decide with so many choices. I was impressed with the huge collections of brands and styles. I was attracted so much to the creative design from different brands. I finally made a choice on one of the bag from CK with price slightly lower than my budget.

I stayed in Tokyo for 3 years and I wasn't conscious of fashion at that time. I think I have missed a good opportunity to learn about fashion. Not that I want to decorate myself like a model in the runway, but I desire to improve myself to present who I am. In the process, I also confront the vanity in me and learn more about myself. Tokyo is definitely one of the best place to learn. Take for example the brand Burberry. We can only source for one meager part of the collection from Burberry HQ in SG, however, there are many different sources in Tokyo from different business model due to huge market segment. Firstly, there is Burberry boutique selling rich collections from Burberry HQ, where you can find usual products made in Italy, UK, China, etc. Next in line, Burberry created two labels, the black label and the blue label, solely for the Japanese market. I have the impression that most of the accessories products are made in China to cater for a different segment of market. Lastly, there is also this category of Licensed Burberry that a Japanese agent gets the license from Burberry Italy and produces the products in Japan. These different kinds of business model result in huge varieties of collection in the market. I think similar model is also used for other brand like Paul Smith.

I really enjoyed my bag shopping in Tokyo, with a little bit of discontentment of not able to buy more than one bag-:)

Sakura and a cute boy-:)

Lovely Kiss

Witwisit Hiranwongkul

My first video edit has to be on my idol-:)

Heartache in a dead body??

K texted to invite for D's birthday dinner on Friday 2 weeks ago. The immediate response was "sure to meet SH again". The immediate reply to the response was not to attend the dinner. After a few more thoughts, I decided that I should be immune enough this time to face him again, after due consideration of the 2 weeks taken to return to norm when we last met. A common belief states that one should improve on the same situation after encountering the situation again and again. I was naively taken in by the belief. When the day drew near, Loy suddenly returned to SG for meeting on last Monday and would stay till Friday for the dinner. I actually felt a sense of relief knowing that Loy would attend the dinner with me. I told Loy about my brief struggling on whether to attend the dinner, he understood the feeling and told me I could always choose not to go if I would feel better. I put on a brave front and told him that I should be all right this time.

I arrived with Loy slightly late for the dinner. Sure enough SH and his bf were already there with K and D. We exchanged hugs with D and proceeded to take the food on the buffet counter as they had already started their round. Loy quickly threw me a warning asking me to sit far away from SH. I noted to him and decided maybe I should also avoid talking to him for the night. I did just that for the whole night except a brief hello at the buffet counter. However, I managed to talk to his bf the first time that night. He sounded quite a nice guy and I told Loy that I might be doing the right thing of pulling out before hurting anyone. Loy agreed and he was kind enough to check on my feeling a few times that night. I told him repeatedly the feeling was still strong but was under control.

We ended the dinner at 10pm and Loy, Ken and I proceeded to karaoke. I came home at about 2am in the morning and touched the bed about 3am after settling down myself. Yes, SH was in me all the while. I woke up at about 9am this morning. Shit, the struggling hit strong again. Although I knew that might happen but I obviously underestimated the feeling for him once again. It was getting from bad to worst and I actually felt heartache after more than a year of quietness. I am surprised a heartache still can happen in a dead body.....

I talked to Loy and told him that I might have to avoid future gatherings with K and D. I told him the decision was not easy as both helped me quite alot during my depression. I also feel apologetic to both as the immediate next gathering will be the birthday celebration for K. Loy asked me not to think too much and go with my decision if I am still not ready.

Yes, I am not ready. For SH, I am also not sure if there is a day when I am ready to face him without any feeling attached.

Mindfulness with Breathing - Note 1 : Following the breath with mindfulness

Preparation for practising Anapanasati : Contemplate/note the breath with sati as it moves between the nose and the navel without leaving any chances for the mind to wander elsewhere.

1. develop sati (minfulness or reflective awareness) by being mindful of each in-breath and out-breath:
- let the breathing continue comfortably, normally and naturally
- do not interfere with it in any way
- contemplate each breath with mindfulness : how are we breathing in?
What is the out-breath like?

2. develop and train sati by "following" or "chasing":
- imagine the in-breath starting from the tip of the nose and ending at the navel
- imagine the out-breath starting at the navel and ending at the tip of the nose
- in between these 2 points is the space throught which the breath runs in and out
- contemplate with sati the properties of this movement in and out,
from the tip of the nose to the navel and back again
- do not allow any gaps or lapses
- the breath goes in and stops a moment, then it comes out and pasuses a moment

notes :
- imaging that the breath ends at the navel is merely an assumption absed on our feeling and sensitivity of the movement of the breathing
- the distinction as to whether it is sati that follows the breath in and out or whether sati forces the mind to follow the breath in and out in not important at this point
- to focus on noting the breath as if chasing it without ever losing it

Dinner with 2 generations

Ray organized a dinner on Sun. I was puzzling at the list on half of the names unknown. He reached there first sitting right in the middle of a long table. I was the 2nd, so naturally I sat right opposite him in the middle of the long table. Friends started streaming in after 20 minutes. Coincidentally, the four on my right occupied by old mates; and the four on my left occupied by new faces. And interestingly enough, the average age of old mates was 40 and the average age of new faces was 24. I was sitting right in the middle pulsating by the differences between the 2 ambiences.

- The left one was obviously more energetic than the right one
- The left one spoke in obvious faster pace than the right one
- The left one was more rowdy than the right one
- The left one always talked about things that were not connected and came everywhere; whereas the right one engrossed passionately on the topic of pet alone
- The left one ordered food to share among the four; the right one had favorite disc for his own
- The left one and the right one occasionally interacted in a polite way

Sign.... had I just been bombarded with generation gap?

Do...............

Have been learning pop piano for 4 - 5 months now.

Started my music journey rather late at Sec 3 on Organ. After I failed my grade 6 exam in JC 2, I hardly touched the instrument again due to busy schedule in the army and university. I bought a classical piano for myself on the day I received my first ever salary hoping to re-ignite my music interest. I haven't been successful in achieving anything in classical arena, for the simple reason of lack of strong motivation to overcome the difficulty of playing classic music.

I determined to make a last effort in music and decided to switch to pop piano late last year. I reasoned in this way. I need more than a year to master a piece of classic music, but I can play hundreds of song after I master a certain pattern for pop rhythm. I want to be able to play different songs whenever I lay my fingers on my piano rather than always stick to a song again and again.

Pattern learning has become more interesting now that I can manage more complex rhythm. Currently, we require to know how to identify a key for a song while listening to a song. It was really difficult and abstract as the instruction given was to rely on your sense. However, the practice becomes interesting after much efforts been put in to identify the key whenever I hear a song. The sense somehow has been developed. I can briefly identify "Do" in song now. This adds another layer of fun for my pop piano learning.

India's Buddha image

I came across an advertisement on India while browsing the net. The advertisement uses a Tibetan's Buddha image to promote the tourism of India. My director happened to be in my room and we started this conversation on Buddha image. We felt that the advertisement should use an India's Buddha image to promote India instead. At that time, many Buddha images flashed past my mind, but I couldn't place an exact image for India Buddha. We went on to surf the net and found what we wanted as above. I have come across the above image before but didn't recognize the origin is India. I always thought it was from Sri Lanka. After my director pointed the details that I realized the Buddha looks more Indian then Sri Lankan.

I call myself a Buddhist for ages, but I just learn about the Buddha image from his birth place.

Note :Buddha Image Under the Guptas

Under the benevolent patronage and inspiration of the Gupta rulers (320 - 646 AD), the art of sculpture attained its all-time height. The Buddha images of Mathura and Gandhara phases were definitely magnificent and gorgeous, but the Gupta images were not only different but also without a parallel before and after. In accordance with the artistic perception of a spiritual image and of the era, these Buddha images of the subsequent period have enshrining on their faces a kind of celestial calm, serenity, a gentle smile, divine glow and unique composure. (illus) With a distinction of its own, there developed at Sarnath a great center of Buddhism and Buddhist art. Sarnath came out with its own image of Buddha, unique in its spiritual perception and enchanting in aesthetic glow. There enshrines upon the lips of Sarnath Buddha image a gentle celestial smile and on the calm oval face the lyrical tenderness of a full blooming rose. It has retained the long earlobes of the Mathura image but its massive physiognomy has been replaced by a tender slender figure with long arms and fine delicate long fingers. The robe has greater transparency as has a wet silk garment. The image has greater thematic thrust and is more expressive. Embellishment becomes more pronounced and the earlier halo has now a more decorative character.

Learn to be reserved in words

After jogging in East Coast, Mel, Dan and I went to Whampoa food centre for dinner. We met Ja and his bf. During the chat I related a recent event between Ed and An. An likes to exaggerate things when he talks about people. An was again exaggerated a recent event related to Ed and Mel in a gathering to a group of friends. Knowing An's habit, I confirmed with Mel later that the event was again largely been exaggerated and unfair to Ed. I told them that I have ever discussed this habit with An a few months back. The answer I got from him was quite amazing. An feels that his behaviour is normal and necessary in our circle as everyone talks about everyone everywhere. Therefore, he feels that it is totally right for him to talk about people the way he likes as he assumes people will also talk about him freely behind his back. I surrendered myself after two hours of preaching to him at that time and in return I got a nick name of preacher from the group after An related my lecture to him to them.

We then followed to discuss there should be a limit towards telling thing even if it is a joke as unwarranted words will hurt people. I then recalled again this conversation with a friend of mine. This friend is at times quite cynical in words when having casual chat with people. I discussed with him one day on his behaviour and the response I got was equally amazing. He feels that everyone in this circle like to bitch people, if you don't know how to bitch people you will be the one to be doomed in no time. I was speechless.

We went on to divert the conversation topic to others. Ja mentioned B. Spontaneously, I jokingly blurted that Dan had to know this person. Mel was flushed. Ja's bf asked why. I couldn't stop myself at the time but to tell that B was Mel's date at one time. Dan immediately pretended angry at Mel and asked why didn't he know about B. Ja quickly put in a rescue jokingly accusing me of creating trouble for the two.

This was no doubt a small incidence, but I was a bit troubled as I made a blunder right after we discussed the wrong of An's behaviour.

A lonely boy

I still remember a boy was running about in my mind when I was depressed earlier on. I saw a boy crossing the road on his own; I saw a boy reading in a corner; I saw a boy taking lunch alone, etc. The scenes were so close to the movie "Hanging Garden". The main lead saw his young self running around in the house when he returned home for his sister's wedding after many years of absence. At that time, I could even feel the extreme loneliness in the boy. Yes, this was me in my primary school. I guess I was reflecting my then emotion to the childhood me who kept flashing in my mind. I know long ago that I have been lonely. Mew knows exactly when he started his loneliness, but I can't account for the cause. The loneliness was even more severe when I was down. Therefore, I understand totally when Mew said it is unbearable.

I like to read and I keep learning new stuffs. I guess subconsciously I am just trying to keep myself busy to forget the extreme loneliness all along.

Now that I am much better, I reflect my current state of mind to the primary school boy. I saw a boy doing things on his own with the acceptance of life as it is.

Loneliness

I have the same feeling with Mew in this conversation in The Love of Siam :

+ Mew, how have you been?

- Not too bad.. I am happy with playing music

+ Don't you feel lonely staying alone?

- unbearable....

+ What do you mean by unbearable?

- When we were kids, loneliness was when you had no friend right? When we grow up, the level of loneliness is much more serious then when we were kids.

+ Why is it so serious?

- I don't know how to explain. It started from the summer when I was in grade 8.... after the death of my granny... It has not been easy, I miss my granny more and more with time passes.. I then have a question that long bothering me... Will we be able to take it on the day when we have to part with the person we love so much? And parting is an unavoidable part of our life.

- I believe you understand well too. Will it be possible that we love a person so much but we are not afraid of losing him? I am also thinking at the same time, will it be possible that we don't love anyone in our life? This is what I mean by loneliness..... Loneliness has been with me for the past five years... How can I not understand the painfulness of loneliness? And I really don't know what my life is from now?

The last resignation

I have finally informed my MD about my intention to leave the company. I didn't require much effort to get the release as I well painted a story of returning back to home business. On the other hand, he might also be glad to let me go as the company had been trying all means to save cost. I decide 31 Mar to be my last physical presence as I need to complete the last assigned task. I think and I hope this will be the last resignation I have to do. No more working for people.

Please Beware of ME

"Mel's has got a new bf!"

Everyone has been telling me this after I re-connected with the old group. Ri joked that we have to be more cautious when speaking to Mel from now.

"Mind your word and grammar please."

We expect this will be a common statement from Mel as his bf is an English teacher. So we suppose Mel's English will be much improved and he will be more cautious in the language.

"But, I sort of worry they may have communication problem."

Ray showed concern in this freshly baked relationship. I can understand his concern because of the considerable differences in both background. Well, love is blind and love is powerful. We assume Mel will make an effort to improve himself.

haha... I guess this is a typical behavior in the circle when we come to know about any new relationship. We just have to gossip and bitch about it.

I was overwhelmed by my curiosity about this new person as Mel's has quite similar type as mine. I called Mel one day and demanded him to show his new found love. We decided to go jogging in the east coast park one evening.

Well, he is also my type as expected. A cute, cheerful and eloquent boy. We talked quite a bit that night. We went dinner after the jog. We were talking and joking all along, mostly between the two of us. Mel and the other friend were the good listeners.

Before we parted in the car park, Mel was in rather high spirit as he felt his love one had enjoyed the night much. And, he threw this to me :

"Wow, they seem to like your company, we can meet more often from now."

Instantly, I had an OS flashing in my mind :

"No, I don't think I want to meet often, I certainly don't want to be a third party again!!"

Pandara Box is sealed and buried again

I have decided to de-activate my facebook account again. Thereafter, I wrote Loy the following SMS:

Don't scold me. De-activated facebook. It is the begin of our everything. I realize I still can't manage and have to close it again to return to peaceful mind.

Loy's reply :

Sign.. ok lor. If this works for you.

This afternoon Loy called me during lunch and inquired about the de-activation again. I was in a meeting and couldn't talk to him. I later texted him the following :

From your questioning, I guess you still can't feel my pain for SH... which is also understandable. He's only irresistible to me.

I met Chris for dinner and shopping after work. Again he mentioned SH when we were at the coffee bean chatting after shopping. I didn't know how to reply. Quickly I could only changed the topic.

With the facebook closed and the group returned to Shanghai, I think the pandara box should be sealed one more time and buried again.

Pandara Box should be sealed forever

I had a good night sleep after the gathering, but I still woke up thinking of SH the first thing. Feeling rather uneasy, I finally talked to Loy about what was between SH and me. He knew about the existence of SH, but I didn't want to tell him before the gathering thinking I could handle myself. I guess he was a bit shocked to learn about the coincidences. I told him that the pandara box should have remained sealed and I should not have joined the gathering. He thought that it might be a good closure for both of us in such way. A year before and a year after with the same group of people.

SH texted about his opening of new food outlet. It was a while since I last received his SMS. I half anticipated something like this would come along the way. I texted back to congrat him and wish him success. Chris texted me to talk about SH, not knowing my relationship with him. He joked about SH been my type and said something strange that I couldn't even comprehend. He said he intentionally mentioned SH as he wanted to rub salt in the wound. I am sure he will scream if he knows the effect of his word. When we were at KTV later the night, Chris and the others kept mentioning SH to me. I fumbled of words to respond.

I actually didn't expect I would write so much about SH after re-opening this blog. I just feel like time has not moved a second now.

Expected Behaviour

I am glad to see that SH seemed happy with his bf. yep, I can't say otherwise, this is my feeling.

The gathering was nice and intimate. Food, rowdy talks, fun. The group also chatted about the incidence last year when I got my five stitches on the eye-brow. I was a bit embarrassed and didn't know how to react as the main cause of the incidence was around. SH obviously didn't know what was going on and not to mention knowing he was the reason for the five stitches. No one knows in the party and the secret should remain forever as it is.

So near yet so far, I miss you so much............

A reunion?

Singapore PLU's circle is really not that big. I came to know some of my friends who got quite close to SH a few months back. So I have been waiting for the day to meet each other again at one of the gathering. Wow, it will be tonight!! Don't know how it will be like since SH's bf will be there too and it will be the first time I get to meet them together.

Interesting, exciting.....

Second day of Chinese New Year - Re-Opening of Pandara Box?

haha... need some laughs to release a nervous sting inside me. Yep, I have just re-opened the facebook for the sole reason of missing him. The action is basically the result of a pending emotion after a conversation with Loy in Marine Parade.

Loy told me he read an article about "the 4 persons in life".
- The first person is the one you most love in life, but you will not be with him.
- The second person is the one who loves you the most, but you will not be with him.
- The third person is yourself. Only after one goes through the phases of "most love" and "most been love" that one will realize what one's needs.
- The fourth person is your life time partner. Only after one understands himself that he will be able to settle down with a life time partner, but this person is definitely not the first and second person in life.

I told Loy that SH is definitely the first person in my life as I still feel much affection when I think of him. The second person is the Thai boy whom I failed my promise with in Sydney. I know the third person now. And where is the fourth person of my love??

We shared quite a bit that night and I also told him where I am now. I still prefer to be attached, but there is already no urgency now. Will only take thing when it comes on relationship. I have too many things in the pipeline in life now. I want to fulfill things that meant to be done when I have the energy.

Wow... didn't know that Pandara Box can't even be peeked. I have been quite thinking of him after that day. I couldn't resist myself except went to my facebook and "see" how he is now. The feeling just kept rushing through when flipping his photo album. So good to know that he is still doing fine. I also decided to keep the facebook account open, not that I have the intention to re-connect with him nor I will be actively using the facebook account. I thought it's just the right time to let it be in the way it should be.

In fact, I just watched a Thai movie titled "The Love of Siam" and got attracted very much immediately. Actually, the first actor on the right looks very much like SH. Not sure if that is the reason I like the movie-:) But I think I like the person on the left more in term of character in the movie and his talent.

I am also happy that the re-opening of this blog is also dedicated to SH. My first person in life.