The first model of man in my life - Responsible 老大

I think I might have dug too much into my ELE till I can't get hold of my situation now. I thought I could transcend it by confronting it. The writing part stirs most the emotion in me. I guess I have to temporary put aside the traumatic experiences and focus only on the positive ones.

I wasn't born a tough boy. Though I have been independent in character from young, I am in no way a tough one. As such, I have always admire guy with tough character - off course in my own interpretation.

LTL was the first boy with such a character who I came across in my secondary school days. He was two years older than me but in the same grade as he just wasn't into study. He was so called the 老大 of our cohort. Everyone in our cohort knew about him from day 1 of secondary 1. And everyone quite scare of him. Many who wanted to show that they were strong would join his gang. I couldn't exactly labeled them as gangster or "black society". They were just a gang of students who liked to create interesting things that "good" students like me wouldn't dare do. They were definitely rebellious in school. They showed their courage by defying school rule and authorities. They argued with teachers; they didn't submit school work; they didn't wear their attire properly; they used vulgar language; they brought porno books to school; they despised "good" students; they cracked dirty jokes. Teachers always labeled them as bad students especially 老大 as he was the most daring and all mighty among the gang. He could do all the things described above in 100% whereas the other might just dare to do a bit here and there.

Canning was still allowed during my time. 老大 had been canned in front of our class a few times. Some others had been canned too, but none could take the canning so cool as 老大. Others would shiver, would cry, would beg for leniency. But 老大 had no one time said a word when he was punished for his wrong doing. He had not shed a tear; he had not shiver; he had not beg for leniency; he had not even changed the color of his face after being canned. I still could remember a punishment vividly. He was in an argument with a teacher and he was so angry that he punctured the car of the teacher. After investigation, he owned up himself. He was punished with three strokes of cane by our disciplinary master. I still remember his expression when he jumps right after the cane hit on his buttocks. A showmanship of "老大".

On the contrary, I was a "good" student then. Not only good actually, I should say very good. As the school wasn't a good school, I was always positioned always 2nd or 3nd in the whole cohort. I was well liked by all teachers too. I held so many duties and responsibilities like class rep, councilor, librarian, vice captain of volley ball, chairman of art society, chairman of cultural society, etc. I was also highly sociable, I knew students up to two batches my senior, and down to two batches my junior. I went around helping people in studies whenever they needed.

Good and bad will never cross in anyway. That's why God has to stay in heaven and Devil has to stay in hell. 老大 and I had also hardly interacted in secondary 1. Although we were in the same class, we hardly talked or crossed each other path. I always looked at him from far away with much amusement. Our territory was clearly demarcated from each other. I was happily doing all my "good" deeds and he was enjoying his "bad" tricks.

Came to secondary 2, good and bad finally crossed at the toilet in the 3rd level of our school building. I was in the toilet doing what one supposed to do in toilet first. 老大 came in with a group of his gang. When I had finished, I came out of the toilet to wash hands in one of the basin. Noting me around, he was suddenly in this cheeky mood. He approached me to my nose abruptly and threw a question to me politely. "Can I borrow one thing from you?" I was a bit panic as I had never experience with him on such a close personal interaction. "ohh... yep, what is there I can help? " "Can I borrow your back side for fun?" "huh!!' I was rather shocked upon hearing that and flushed while the gang of friends were all laughing at the back. Didn't know how to react, I fumbled out of the toilet quickly.

I think it is because I am really a gay that I still can remember the whole scene clearly in my mind. I wasn't angry then and I am not angry now at all with the incidence. In fact I am very amused on my encounter with him in this way. 老大 was a good looking chap. Ignored the delinquent part of him, he had his charm in his personality. The way he talked, the way he smiled and the way he treated people. After the incidence, we got to know each other better. The good mixed into the bad and the bad mixed with the good.

I joined their game, their playing, their gang. However, I didn't do anything labeled as "bad" by teachers. I came to know 老大 better and we ended up as very good friend in fact. We would play together when we got the time. I rather enjoyed the games that I had not done in my life before. 老大 was just too playful. I think one of the incident really held us closer. Our school was at bukit timah. There was this big canal in the middle of the road separating bukit timah road and dunearn road. The gang was on the way back to school one day after meeting outside. We were then at the other side of the road. 老大 decided suddenly to do something different by not crossing the overhead bridge. He led us towards the canal and in no time, we were down in the canal in front of this big drainage to cross. Wow.. I had not done this in my life before. Led by 老大, the gang jumped one after another hopping to the other side of the drainage, leaving me behind. I was quite panic hesitating if I could cross like them. I had no confident at all doing such thing. 老大 was encouraging me to try. After few encouragement, I finally mustered all my courage to jump. pu tong... true enough that I landed in the drainage making myself all wet with dirty water. 老大 quickly helped me to get up and accompanied me to school to wash up. I think 老大 was quite impressed with my courage on doing such thing as a good student. From then onwards, we became good friends that heading towards positive direction - again in my own interpretation.

I said the direction was positive was because I could get 老大 more interested in his school work. I would spend time with him to study together, teach him school work that he didn't understand. 老大 became more respectful with a few good teachers also. I also learned alot from him to be more tough as a boy. I wasn't an outdoor kind of boy then. He taught me alot and I started to enjoy outdoor activities like camping. I still keep a picture taken with 老大 at one of the camping night. This is one of my favorite picture in my photo album. I think all gays will ask me this question, "if 老大 were to be a gay, will I choose him as my bf?" I really have got no answer to that, but my feeling for 老大 then was just a very intimate friendship. I don't think I have ever thought of having a bf like 老大. 老大 is more like a personalty I like to become myself. When I got to know 老大 better, I saw in him the sense of responsibility, integrity and openness to things. As compared to some of the good students of my cohort, 老大 was more a "good" character then many of them taking away the mischievous part.

Unfortunately I got close to 老大 too late, I wasn't able to help him through the final exam in secondary two. His total score for the year was 48, 2 points short of passing mark. As he was already overage, he couldn't retain anymore. That would be his last year of studies in his life. When the result was out, I was running around with him to help him to beg our teachers to give him the additional two points in order to continue his education. 老大 would not beg for leniency when facing canning, but 老大 had changed to beg for leniency in order to continue his studies. The change came too late, although 老大 had changed so much, none of the teachers had realized the change. No teacher wanted to help to spare the two points. I still remember the comment made by my form teacher during my plead for the two points for 老大. My form teacher told me that the society might be a better place for 老大 to learn rather than the school. I was lost in word and wasn't known how to respond to the comment then. I struggled with the comment for many years thereafter. "Is society really a better place for 老大 at such a young age."

Now I dare say to the form teacher that you are wrong and you are very wrong. Everyone should be given opportunity if he has realized his mistake. I knew very clear that 老大 had changed at the time as I was very close to him. But the time was too short and none of the teachers had noted the change in him. Again, wasn't it the teacher's responsibility to understand his student better? 老大 was only 16 then and he was forced to leave school to face the society with a secondary 2 education. As usual, a bit disturbed but 老大 accepted the fact gracefully without any complaint of any sort. He was as usual the responsible self to hold responsibility for his own action.

We didn't see him from third year and we lost contact with him after that. I always miss the time spent with him together.

Call from Han to advise taking medicine

I was restless and didn't know what to do after work yesterday night. Called J to check if he was going to gym as we agreed to go together but there was no response. I went to Cali bugis trying to occupy myself once he clock hit six. Cali was rather crowded, got myself changed and headed straight to the treadmill for half an hour jog. My emotion was still very unsettled after the jog. Did some stretches and went back to locker room to check my phone message. J called and left a message saying that he was on the way to Mt Faber Gym. Called him to arrange dinner with him. I drove down to Mt Faber gym without changing. J was reading papers when I arrived. We chatted a bit and he had also no mood to gym, so we got change and went vivo for dinner. I asked him to accompany me to Kinokuniya to look for music for relaxation after dinner.

While I was searching for the CD on relaxation, Han called in. She read the blog and was worried about the situation I was in now. She called to show her concern and provide encouragement. She advised me to receive medication treatment. She was not the first who urged me to do so. Shifu did that few days ago and that was why I wrote the blog on brief knowledge on depression. I know clearly what I am into now. I had researched on the topic for quite a while. Two hours before Han's called while I was waiting for J to change in the gym, I called a doctor friend R to chat. My intention of calling him was to ask for a third opinion if medication was a total necessity for my condition. The first was my therapist and the second was the GP I consulted when I had sleepless nights.

Inside me I knew clearly that I was also trying hard to convince myself to take the antidepressant. R asked if I was worried about people labeling me when I took the antidepressant. I told him it shouldn't be the case but I didn't know what was the real reason except the feeling of drug phobia and strong resistance inside me for taking the medicine. R tried to convince me that it was perfectly all right to receive medication care if one was down because everyone had his up and down in life. I was getting more confused and J came out from shower room and the conversation was terminated.

I had a deep thought on the issue again this morning. I think my subconsciousness is refusing to accept that I am in depression. Although I know the fact consciously and I write now in black and white to recognize it, my subconsciousness most likely is still in a total denial stage on the situation. My subconsciousness is still hoping that the whole thing will clear with time and this is just another dramatic episode in life that is over-reacted by my conscious self. The resistance from my subconsciousness is too strong that I can't imagine putting an antidepressant pill in my mouth.

I always think of my younger Sister when I am very down. I remember vividly an agony statement made by her. She was depressed, in great pain and lost when she was trying to fight the cancer. She said one day to me in tears that she hoped it was just a dream that she had cancer and she could wake up the next day and the cancer cell would just disappear totally from her body. It wasn't possible and she passed away after a good fight. For my case, I guess my subconsciousness is hoping that my conscious self will wake up one day and get everything straighten out by itself just like a previous experience of blissful day and I will be back to a normal happy person as the depression is just an intangible mental stage, unlike the cancer cell that is not possible to eradicate from my body system.

It seems to be a struggle between my consciousness and subconsciousness now.

The most solemn session

I felt my chest was busting anytime these two days. Couldn't really breathe easily. I sensed strongly that my body was boycotting towards the stress due to depression. I texted my therapist asking to meet him and was asked to go at 130pm. After a morning work, I headed to his office after a brief lunch. I forced myself to eat even though there wasn't any appetite at all.

We went to the room and he checked with me on the update. I was relating to him my physical response and suddenly I was on the verge of tearing. I couldn't say a word and kept resisting from crying. Therapist asked me not to hold but to let go, unfortunately my system was tuned not to tear anymore. I breathe heavier and heavier trying to fight back the tears. The therapist sat there quietly waiting for me to settle down. He asked what was on my mind. I told him slowly and discontinuously that I have worked so hard to get myself right. I tried all ways and means that I could lay my hand on. I was really tired. The therapist agreed and asked what I wished to do now. I told him I had already tried my very best and I was really exhausted completely. I hoped someone could tell me that I had worked hard enough and I could go in peace now. I needed a long and peaceful rest. All suffering should stop right away. The therapist was silence for quite a while.

He was then trying to find some hope for me to cling to in order to rekindle my survival instinct. Unfortunately, he couldn't find a single thing that I could possibly attach with after many trials. I told him I had in myself went through the routine already. The only thing I hadn't really tried was to attempt a suicide. I rationale to him that maybe I needed to go for that route so that I would understand what it was about and I could then transcend it. The therapist then asked what if I just died after the attempt. I told him I had already bet my life on it this time. If that should be the way, then let it be. I had no regret.

Actually, there was another idea I didn't share with the therapist. There was a few times these few nights that I felt so strong impulse in me to drive to east coast when I had my sleepless night. I thought I should try to face the sea and dared myself to challenge the suicidal thought. I might come to a realization that the act of committing suicide was not so easy. Then, I would be able to transcend it. The therapist though didn't argue on the rationale, he thought it was a high risk trial.

We both agreed that this episode was triggered by suppressing my feeling too much after I met up with H on Tue and the stress from the job search. He painted a few frameworks but all didn't seem to work at the current low energy level. He finally suggested to create a support group and tried to instill a sense of meaning of life in me to help others. He hoped I could cling on this and hold my life for a longer while. I understood what he was trying to do, I didn't again want to judge the effectiveness at the moment. However, when I was driving back to office after the session, I knew immediately that the trick didn't work on me as well. My energy level was just too low.

Dad effect on work place

It has become clear that my father played a very big part in my life although we have hardly spoken to each other. My relationship with him have never been good since childhood.

Today, I suddenly realized that this effect actually manifested in my work place. I have never in good term with the top boss of the company. I am definitely a very good worker. My appraisals have been very good or excellent since my army day and throughout my worklife. It was a norm to see a full score "5" ticked for my appraisal. I would be surprised if there was a "3" appeared. I worked in overseas, I worked in local SME, I worked in government body, the work place changes but my appraisal has always the same. I don't feel proud of it, but I just feel natural. My good work has always been recognized by my immediate superior. I have always in very good working relationship with my immediate superior. That is the further I go. The problem is I have never in good term with the top boss of the organization. Not in the previous two jobs in the government bodies, not in the overseas job with the MNC, not in the first job with an academic institute.

I have a resolution this year. I want to get back to sg to work. I don't think my situation allows me to stay 3 weeks overseas and 1 week sg as what I have been doing for the past year. I need a job back to sg for me to settle down so that I can heal myself. With my years of experience and level, it is not easy for me to get a job. I came across a position that fitted me from my ex-company website. Hesitated quite a lot, after consulting J, I finally decided to meet my ex-immediate superior about the possibility of going back to work with him.

As expected his main concern was the acceptance of my chairman of me. I was doing quite well in my previous job. The first two years were smooth sailing all along, the final year was miserable because my chairman suddenly lost trust in me. I am not the type of person will like to socialize with the top people. I had no clue on why I was in the situation. I checked many times with my immediate superior and colleague, but none of them knew what was going on. Finally, I had to quit and moved on to another job. My ex-superior was recounting how hard he tried to persuade my chairman to recognize my effort and work, but all was in vain. So he was skeptical about my chairman would take me in again. I was quite depressed after the session with him, though it was still within my expectation. My relationship with my ex-chairman had always been a pain in my heart.

I decided to confront this time. My ex-superior was very nice and he promised to try to talk to my chairman on my behalf about my intention of returning. I saw that he was quite in dilemma. After few sms, I told him that I would write an email to my ex-chairman myself explaining my intention and also most importantly clear the regret in me for a long time. I wrote the email this morning and sent it out to him. I was a bit worry, but it's ok, as I have put in effort to try to make a closure on this issue between my ex-chairman and me.

I finally received his reply a while ago asking me to go back. And he closed the "regret" by writing it was nothing personal to him at that time, just work. I felt happy and released.

I thought a lot yesterday night. Suddenly I realized that my bad relationship with the top person in the company may be a manifestation of my bad relationship with my father. I can't relate to my father who is always acting all mighty and autocratic so as such I can't relate to the top person in the company who is always acting all mighty and autocratic. There must be same pattern there that caused the history repeat and repeat again, though I still don't know what it is about.

This is the question the therapist has to answer.

ELE - Part I

I born as the third child in the family and I am the long expected one as there are two sisters before me. My father was overjoyed when he knew that he got a son. He is a typical Chinese traditional man. Son is more important than daughter. He finally could continue his family lineage. Mum told me that he was so happy he bought a radio for the nurse in KK hospital as a gift. My arriving in this world sounded so perfect and lovely.

No one can remember his life story as early as 5 years old. I picked up some pieces here and there during casual talk with mum. We stayed at a two story shop house when I was young. When I was still a baby, I had ever dropped down from 2nd story while my paternal grandma was taking care of me one day. I didn't bid farewell to this world as there was something there reducing the impact of the fall. I thought I remembered mum ever said the incident also caused a big quarrel between my dad and my grandma. What I had as a repercussion was the prompt to headache since young.

My dad was a very hardworking business man. He had only his business in mind day and night. He was not a father who knew how to care about the children. I guess he left the caring role to my mum. My mum was a simple, happy-go-lucky and easily jealous woman. She would tear away any photo of my dad taking with young girl beside. She was simple as such that she would also take care of her children in a very simple manner, ie, eat, sleep and grow.

As my dad is a businessman since I am born, my house has been quite well-to-do type. I have no sense of real financial difficulty before. On top of that I had never difficulty in studies during my primary school years. Not that I was a top student, but I always could score averagely without much work done. Therefore, the memories of my childhood are play and play under no one control. except occasional preaching by my dad. What a rosy picture for a kid like this! Care free, full of enjoyment and ultimate happiness.

However, when I brought my memory back to my childhood time, I always saw a lonely kid playing hard with laughter in his face running about from places to places. At the back alley of the house, crossing the street alone, rooming the neighborhood aimlessly. I always can feel the strong loneliness in this kid. I think I see the 6 to 11 years old me.

This lonely kid was definitely not as happy as he acted. There was a good phrase on this. The person who laughs the most is the person who has the most sorrow as the laughter is the disguise of the deep sorrow within. I have been like this since my childhood time. I always like to laugh. Everyone always sees me look happily in life. I have always been asked this question throughout my life, "Why are you so happy today?". huh... I always didn't even know that I looked happy. It was just my training from childhood.

This lonely kid always hated himself from childhood time. He didn't like his look, his voice, his behavior, his mannerism, his all doing. This lonely kid had never like to look himself in the mirror. Standing in front of the mirror, the lonely kid would always intentionally see pass through the self image reflected in the mirror. Occasionally, he might steal a glance of himself, he would immediately felt highly uneasy as though he came across something horrifying.

Why I refuse medication?

As described in previous post, therapist has explained the lack of neurotransmitters in my brain and suggested taking medicine to lift my mood. But I rejected the idea and I think the therapist understood my decision. The major trigger of this episode is because of drug eruption, I have quite a bit of drug phobia now. And, I had also experience taking similar drug for my neck and shoulder pain with side effects. I didn't like the side effect and I actually felt helpless with the side effects. An also important factor is that not 100% of depression can be treated by drug. To add on the difficulty, different drug has got different effect, one may need to go through a trial stage before finding the right one and dose, etc. There are quite a few uncertainties in drug that I want to be distant from it.

I have an objective to achieve with this episode of depression. In my life experience till now, I really have enough of it. Inside me, I know I am determined to get my life right this time. I have bet my life on it. If I can not achieve, then let it be. Certainly, I will try my very best. That's why I keep trying and trying. I have deep anger in me, I don't think I should live like what I have been till now for the remaining years in my life. I have suffered enough and I have also enjoyed whatever I wanted to be. I don't want to see myself carry on my life like what I have been till now. Therefore, I am determined to change as I see no point keeping a self that I hate in this world. This self that I hate should disappear in whatever form after this episode of depression. This should be the last episode of depression in my life.

I was again in the bottom yesterday. I MSNed with WL. I told him that I wanted to give up as I was really so tired. I hoped he wouldn't feel sad if I would choose to go and all my friends should also feel the same. This was because I had really tried my very best and I would have walked my last phase of life as a fighter. All should be released that I completed my life with right justification. In life, everyone should do his very best on the goal he set, but it doesn't mean success will come with every endeavor. There are always failure in life. If this fight of depression will be a failure, then I can accept it with peace as I will have done all I can. I am not a saint, I can't achieve everything I set for myself.

I guess those who know my ELE can understand this feeling.

Brief knowledge on Depression

Whatever its cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.

A normally functioning brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything from your heartbeat, to walking, to your emotions. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals called neurotransmitters.

These brain chemicals—in varying amounts—are responsible for our emotional state. Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.

There are few categories of chemicals in the brain that are responsible for emotional change such as serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. If they are out of balance, depression can occur. Antidepressants improve the symptoms of depression by bringing these chemicals back into balance. Because different types of antidepressants are designed to work differently, side effects associated with each type of depression medication can vary. Common side effects are as follow :

• Nausea
• Dry mouth
• Diarrhea or constipation
• Problems with sexual health
• Dizziness
• Problems sleeping
• Drowsiness
• Weight changes
• Anxiety/agitation

Daily Gratitude Journal

Today quite bad, tomorrow will be better......

Daily Gratitude Journal

• Met up H for lunch. Just can't describe the feeling.
• I woke up quite early around 3+ this morning, but managed to meditate quite a bit, through felt heavy in chest but manageable because of meditation.
• Managed to finish discussion on an important case with CEO. Ready for presentation. Part I of job done.
• Went to TP stadium to jog. Managed to finish 8 rounds with high speed. Felt very released and free.
• Feel a quite happy now that I have quite a bit of time left later to read book.

Daily Gratitude Journal

• I managed to get the DVD on the secret at the book shop. Therapist was using that to strengthen my positive psychology. It's really a good material to follow.
• Signed up with Cali gym this morning. Managed to get the same deal as my friend. Finally got back to Cali gym again.
• Started to work on a new project. Managed to find quite substantial reading materials. Was really happy to learn something new.
• Received messages from M. Good to hear from him again and hope he is doing fine.
• Did a brief jog and light stretches in gym before going for dinner. Cali gym is really so much appealing compared to safra, except a bit crowded.

Depression with discipline in place

I had been experienced depression without energy. Everything was beyond control, the fear, the panic attack, difficult with breathing, sleepless night, etc. When I got slight energy, I took the opportunity to discipline myself. I wake up morning to meditate, I exercise everyday to release stress, I chant ambitabha when I am free, I read and I write, I work on positive psychology. I experience discipline built up each day. I thought when I am disciplined, I can be liberated. But, it doesn't look like it now. I am still feeling the discipline in me, managing myself not to think too much of H, cut away soul tie with my ex, doing the stuffs above to keep me from wondering. However, I still feel deep fear in me, panic attack and sleepless night getting worst...

I don't want to get negative here. I am strong, I have energy, I take thing one step at a time. I will be liberated.

Daily Gratitude Journal

• Went jogging with friends at botanic garden. I could feel the energy coming in me when I was in the garden after the jog. Could somehow understand what my therapist said about coming to the garden every week to absorb energy.
• Talked to a friend about my investment in currency account. He gave me his view on how to maximize the situation I was in now. A good learning lesson.
  
• Again went to pool to read and relax. Swam about ten lags to end my time there. A relaxing morning.
  
• Went to string my tennis racket. Haven't been used for nearly a year. Was excited to get it string. Not too sure if I can still play tennis but the thought of it just excite me alot.
• Dinner with Shifu and Shijie. Shifu asked Shijie a very difficult to answer question "When was the last time we three had dinner together?" Gosh, that must be at least 3-4 years back. The getting back feeling was so good.