I decided I wanted to take the confrontation route to all my problems. I hope I can grow by taking a different way from my usual self. On the next level, I believe I will see the truth and reality of situation. I hope this will facilitate more accurate problem solving.
I proceeded to my stage 1 of self-therapy by making a dinner appointment with my ex on the night I was back to sg. I supposed to pick him up from his work after 8pm as what we had normally do when we were together. I texted him to confirm when I landed in sg, but the reply only came an hour late after to change the timing and pick up location. He had forgotten that it was his off day so our dinner appointment had brought forward an hour.
I picked him up at 630pm at his place. He was still as "pretty" and charming to me. I decided to go to our usual dinning place for yong tau fu. He chatted animatedly about his job and his life. When we were about to reach the eating place, his call rang and he answered it. I could tell from the conversation that he was talking to someone he was very interested in. A jealousy rose in me and I felt very uneasy. I casually asked if he was talking to his date, but he answered that they were just friends in good term. I further inquired about his status and he said that he was still single but multi dating a few people with no intention to get attached at the moment. We proceeded to dinner, everything seemed the same. We continued chatting about each other routine.
I needed to buy a Christmas present for a friend and I asked him to go along to help to pick one. On the way to the shopping mall, we talked about our relationship. He was cleared that he wanted to be single and he was enjoying his multi-dating lifestyle currently. He didn't want any commitment and he didn't want to be committed now. I specifically asked him if he was ready to come back to me as what I had promised him before to take him back whenever he was ready. He said he didn't want to hurt me again and he had no confidence that he could be committed. He was happy with his life now and he would leave thing to fate about what would happen between us.
I have this bad trait that I like to confirm thing to every detail by different way of interrogation. The near official answers from him just weren't good enough to fulfill my purpose of getting the reality of situation. I persisted further to examine him just like a legal counsel interrogating a plainttiff in court, but with very much gentle touch. He knew me too well and he knew also that he could get frank with me on everything. This was the mere positive outcome from our two years relationship.
I understand his feeling and situation exactly now. I am a very slow respondent. After I know the outcome of a situation each time, my natural response is always like "hmmm... this is logical". I will consciously suppress all feeling associated to the outcome. I always require a few days the minimum up till sometimes a few months for me to really know the exact repercussion. On the surface, it's logical again to me that he is "he" right now. And this "he" is someone not familiar to me anymore and very far away from me now. The only familiar thing that remained the same in him is still the problem that cost our relationship.
It was not easy, and I felt turbulent inside me. I could only try to ignore. I returned home feeling deteriorating, lying down on the bed with a blank mind. I couldn't sleep till 2am then I finally decided to resort to the help of sleeping pills. I popped a strong does of lexotan enough to knock me down right away, temporary free of problems and troubles.
I am still not too sure now what will be the real effect of this confrontation, though I believe I have the realization of the truth situation now. In a way, I am happy to see him sorted out our relationship problem and living happily now as per his will. I guess the problem is in me now that I should move on and I yearn to see myself able to reach the stage too.
I proceeded to my stage 1 of self-therapy by making a dinner appointment with my ex on the night I was back to sg. I supposed to pick him up from his work after 8pm as what we had normally do when we were together. I texted him to confirm when I landed in sg, but the reply only came an hour late after to change the timing and pick up location. He had forgotten that it was his off day so our dinner appointment had brought forward an hour.
I picked him up at 630pm at his place. He was still as "pretty" and charming to me. I decided to go to our usual dinning place for yong tau fu. He chatted animatedly about his job and his life. When we were about to reach the eating place, his call rang and he answered it. I could tell from the conversation that he was talking to someone he was very interested in. A jealousy rose in me and I felt very uneasy. I casually asked if he was talking to his date, but he answered that they were just friends in good term. I further inquired about his status and he said that he was still single but multi dating a few people with no intention to get attached at the moment. We proceeded to dinner, everything seemed the same. We continued chatting about each other routine.
I needed to buy a Christmas present for a friend and I asked him to go along to help to pick one. On the way to the shopping mall, we talked about our relationship. He was cleared that he wanted to be single and he was enjoying his multi-dating lifestyle currently. He didn't want any commitment and he didn't want to be committed now. I specifically asked him if he was ready to come back to me as what I had promised him before to take him back whenever he was ready. He said he didn't want to hurt me again and he had no confidence that he could be committed. He was happy with his life now and he would leave thing to fate about what would happen between us.
I have this bad trait that I like to confirm thing to every detail by different way of interrogation. The near official answers from him just weren't good enough to fulfill my purpose of getting the reality of situation. I persisted further to examine him just like a legal counsel interrogating a plainttiff in court, but with very much gentle touch. He knew me too well and he knew also that he could get frank with me on everything. This was the mere positive outcome from our two years relationship.
I understand his feeling and situation exactly now. I am a very slow respondent. After I know the outcome of a situation each time, my natural response is always like "hmmm... this is logical". I will consciously suppress all feeling associated to the outcome. I always require a few days the minimum up till sometimes a few months for me to really know the exact repercussion. On the surface, it's logical again to me that he is "he" right now. And this "he" is someone not familiar to me anymore and very far away from me now. The only familiar thing that remained the same in him is still the problem that cost our relationship.
It was not easy, and I felt turbulent inside me. I could only try to ignore. I returned home feeling deteriorating, lying down on the bed with a blank mind. I couldn't sleep till 2am then I finally decided to resort to the help of sleeping pills. I popped a strong does of lexotan enough to knock me down right away, temporary free of problems and troubles.
I am still not too sure now what will be the real effect of this confrontation, though I believe I have the realization of the truth situation now. In a way, I am happy to see him sorted out our relationship problem and living happily now as per his will. I guess the problem is in me now that I should move on and I yearn to see myself able to reach the stage too.
1 comment:
god!
nail biting drama! heart beating fast! what's on next ep?
arrgghh! *faint*
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