Thursday, December 27, 2007

50 years of sorrow in silence

I called my elderest sister when I was in SH the first night feeling very down. That was the first time I decided that someone in my family should be informed about my misery. I didn't know how to put accross my feeling but kept weeping in the phone. My sister was trying to console me and she mentioned my maternal grandma to encourage me.

She related a conversation with our grandma to me. Grandma would sometimes come over to our house to stay when she was still alive. She always slept with my eldeest sister in her room. They normally had small chat before they slept. My grandma divulged to my sister that she had been in silent sorrow for the past 50 years. My sister encouraged me that gramdma could contend the sorrow for 50 years and still remained in life till her last breath. We as the grandchildren should carry on with the energy and live strongly regardless of any difficulty in life.

Grandma was the second wife of grandpa after the deceased of grandpa's first wife. The first wife left behind 2 sons and a daughter. Grandma was not much older than the eldest son. It was not easy to be a step mother and the eldest son had never see eye to eye on everything with grandma. Grandma's life became more miserable when she gave birth to her only son. Typical to a rich family, my eldest uncle always had this thougth that Grandma and her son were there to snap the wealth of my Grandpa. He was not only cautiously guarding the wealth of my Grandpa, but also hostile to Grandma and her son worrying that they might snap the wealth from him anytime. He had never been kind to Grandma and her son all his life even though he had finally inherited all the wealth left over by my Grandpa.

I will never forget the day when grandma left us. Grandma had been bed-bound for quite a while due to her heart problem. She finally couldn't hold on any longer and was about to leave all her beloved one surrounding her on one of the night. We were all painful to see her struggling to stay alive in order to be with us. At that moment, my eldest uncle was shouting loud at my Grandma demanding her to hold on her breath till morning. He believed that an elder in the family shoudn't pass away at night as this would bring along the wealth of the family. So he shouted again and again to my grandma asking her to hold on to her breath until day break in order to keep the wealth for his family. I saw my grandma trying very hard to respond to my eldest uncle's request and to hold on her breath. But her heart was just too weak to hold on any further after an hour of effort. She still left behind all her beloved one at that night

My uncle was angry and kept grumbling bad about my Grandma saying that she was an evil woman and deserved to die. He even wanted to go against my Grandma's will to cremate her immediately. His son finally managed to persuade his father that Grandma was scare of fire and wouldn't want to be cremated. At least, my grandma could leave in peace after my eldest cousin took over to oversee the funeral process himself in accordance with my grandma's will.

Contrary to my uncle's attitude to my Grandma, all her grandchildern liked her alot. We always felt her warm and caring. None of us had experienced her tantrum once. She was always kind and soft spoken. Her life was miserable also partly due to her only son. My youngest uncle was a bit retarded from young. He created alot of trouble for my grandma. However, my grandma still worried for him and took good care of him till he passed away with cancer at around the age of 40. That was the first time I saw my grandma lost her usual calm composure and broke down so much in tears.

There was a few encounters with Grandma that would always stay in my memory.

My father was at his most ridiculous rowdy behavious during my university time. I was so stressed as the whole family was shouting and crying most of the time at the period. Coupled with stress from school work, I found difficulty in managing it. I dropped by Grandma's place one day to visit her and accompany her by her bed side. She was already bed bound at that time. I was so stressed that I grumbled so much to her about my feeling. She listened quietly throughout and she consoled me gently after I finished my heart pouring. She reasoned the difficulty of my father to me and asked me not too hold grudge on him. She also asked me to talk to my father about my feeling. I felt that she could understand me well. I left her place with less stress that day

My grandma always liked to be surrounded by her grandchildren. I thought I should do something one day. Taking the opportunity of one of my cousin's birthday, I organized a big birthday party at my house gathered all the 13 grandchildren of grandma to celebrate for our cousin. Grandma enjoyed the party very much that night. Towards the end of the party, Grandma came into my room suddenly and gave me a red packet. I was a bit surprised and laughted at Grandma explaining to her that I wasn't the birthday boy that day. She insisted that I took the red packet. I accepted it puzzlely according to her will. Not until much later that I found out what was the meaning of the red packet when I talked to my mum's about the incidence. We felt that grandma must have understood my real intention of organising the birthday party that day. It was mainly meant to gather all the grandchildren to spend time with her. In appreciation, she returned a red packet to me. She was such a sensitive and affectoinate person.

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