I woke up in the morning feeling stress and slight panic attack. I did a half-an-hour meditation trying to calm myself now. As I haven't been doing meditation for quite a while, my mind ran like an untanned wild monkey. I was exhausted and sunk myself on bed again, letting some light music running on the background hoping to achieve healing effect. I dragged myself out from the bed after an hour past thinking I should be more discipline to get myself out of the down mood. I went downstair for breakfast and paper reading. With not much apetite, I only took a cup of water with two slides of bread. Still restlessly, I found no interests in anything I read. I went back to my room to start my computer to search for something to focus. I watched a variety program from Taiwan. I was a little relieved that I managed to aggregate a bit of attention on something. After watching the program, I held on to the momentum to prepare myself to head for the gym. I had not been to gym for the past week. Health is ulmost important now for my recovery, I at least need to take good care of it.
I reached gym at about 11am. Jogging cum swimming is my normal gym routine. I can't do any weight currently due to neck and shoulder injury. I decided to jog outside the gym since the sun was bright today. I am a Sun person, I hoped I could draw some energy from direct contact with the Sun. My mood was again down when I started jogging. Negative thougth kept creeping in here and there. I was already planning for my suicide at the moment when I discovered the thought. I suddenly felt guilty of involving so many friends this time round in my situation. If I couldn't pull through, I was sure many of them would feel guilty about not been able to do something. I was thinking ways to write my will to let them know that I appreciated all their help and concern. If I couldn't pull through this time, no one should be at fault. This would be my detiny. I should have fought a good fight if there was such a day to come.
Many a times I felt like quitting the jog right away. I was jogging up Mt Faber. I thought I should apply some positive thinking to nectralize the negative thougth. Looking at the steep slope infront of me, I told myself I was going to challenge the slope just like taking the current challenge on my situation now. I had to overcome it. I started my pace again. Not easy, I found I was both hungry and lacked of energy. Negative thought came again. I was very groomy and exhausted. Suddenly, my grandma, my aunt and my sister appeared in my mind. They were encouraging me on the challenge. I shouted at myself that I had to persist. I want to continue to live happily in life, including the part from my grandma, my aunt and my sister. My grandma had suffered quite alot when alive. My aunt commited suicide around my age. My sister passed away because of cancer. They all didn't enjoy much when they were alive. Therefore, I told myself I had to continue their life for them now, living happily and joyfully each day. I ran and continue running. Finally, I managed to reach the peak of Mt Faber. I was quite relieved and able to enjoy the breeze blowing past me under the bright Sun. The world was so beautiful, I should live in peace and joy. I slowed down my pace and jogged down the hill. I then changed to swimming truck and went for ten laps swim. At around 1pm, I finished my shower and found stomach grouching at me.
Thinking that I should maintain the positive mood, I tried calling Shifu, M and J for lunch. Unfortunately, no one could attend to my last minute request. I took a quick lunch on the way back home. The moment when I reached home, my moody friend visited me once again. sign... with much physical exhaustion, I couldn't resist but could only sink myself on bed the second time in the day, letting the music ran at the background again. I dragged myself out from the bed at about 4pm and went online to seach for something to focus. I got acquinted with D through Fridae and we started our chat on MSN animatedly. We chatted for an hour before we continued our chat on the phone. My mood was getting better now. My gosh, is relationship the only cure to my situation now?? I shouted subconciously when I was chatting with D. Am I pushing myself into another dangerous zone again? I really don't know. Guess the question is to be answered by my therapy during my next visit.
I reached gym at about 11am. Jogging cum swimming is my normal gym routine. I can't do any weight currently due to neck and shoulder injury. I decided to jog outside the gym since the sun was bright today. I am a Sun person, I hoped I could draw some energy from direct contact with the Sun. My mood was again down when I started jogging. Negative thougth kept creeping in here and there. I was already planning for my suicide at the moment when I discovered the thought. I suddenly felt guilty of involving so many friends this time round in my situation. If I couldn't pull through, I was sure many of them would feel guilty about not been able to do something. I was thinking ways to write my will to let them know that I appreciated all their help and concern. If I couldn't pull through this time, no one should be at fault. This would be my detiny. I should have fought a good fight if there was such a day to come.
Many a times I felt like quitting the jog right away. I was jogging up Mt Faber. I thought I should apply some positive thinking to nectralize the negative thougth. Looking at the steep slope infront of me, I told myself I was going to challenge the slope just like taking the current challenge on my situation now. I had to overcome it. I started my pace again. Not easy, I found I was both hungry and lacked of energy. Negative thought came again. I was very groomy and exhausted. Suddenly, my grandma, my aunt and my sister appeared in my mind. They were encouraging me on the challenge. I shouted at myself that I had to persist. I want to continue to live happily in life, including the part from my grandma, my aunt and my sister. My grandma had suffered quite alot when alive. My aunt commited suicide around my age. My sister passed away because of cancer. They all didn't enjoy much when they were alive. Therefore, I told myself I had to continue their life for them now, living happily and joyfully each day. I ran and continue running. Finally, I managed to reach the peak of Mt Faber. I was quite relieved and able to enjoy the breeze blowing past me under the bright Sun. The world was so beautiful, I should live in peace and joy. I slowed down my pace and jogged down the hill. I then changed to swimming truck and went for ten laps swim. At around 1pm, I finished my shower and found stomach grouching at me.
Thinking that I should maintain the positive mood, I tried calling Shifu, M and J for lunch. Unfortunately, no one could attend to my last minute request. I took a quick lunch on the way back home. The moment when I reached home, my moody friend visited me once again. sign... with much physical exhaustion, I couldn't resist but could only sink myself on bed the second time in the day, letting the music ran at the background again. I dragged myself out from the bed at about 4pm and went online to seach for something to focus. I got acquinted with D through Fridae and we started our chat on MSN animatedly. We chatted for an hour before we continued our chat on the phone. My mood was getting better now. My gosh, is relationship the only cure to my situation now?? I shouted subconciously when I was chatting with D. Am I pushing myself into another dangerous zone again? I really don't know. Guess the question is to be answered by my therapy during my next visit.
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