I was rather restless this morning. Decided to go for lunch with shifu to occupy my time. Shifu was again supportive to give me his time. We went to a small eatery near Thomson for lunch. Shifu suddenly said to me that I should be awarded "the best actor of the year". He explained that he wouldn't know I was in great distress if he didn't read my blog here. What he saw was a happy front interacting with him. On the way back, he commented that he didn't really agreed with my therapy and he said he was playing a supporting role by not commenting on my situation now. He asked me to check with him on his comment if I was ready to hear
When I reached home, Han was kind to send me an email giving her opinion for encouragement. I paste here for reference as I think quite a few may have the same thinking as her.
{Maybe I am more 宿命,what is yours will come, that is always a timing thing. What is yours will be yours, let H come to you, please don't go pursue him, I agree with you that you should not be a third person, if the time is right, he will know that you are the right one to be. Our girl's strategy，得不到的就是最好的, don't fall into that trap. Let him realize you are the one for him, but not in obvious ways. At the mean time keep looking but more for fun, I really don't think you should work so hard for a relationship, take it easy, have some fun along the way, the right one will definitely appear when fate arrives. maybe you will realize J is charming in someways the more you get to know him, just not those instant attraction kind. I believe relationship can grow over time, but not burn.---- from Han}
I am far away from a skillful writer at my current level. On top of that, I lacked of energy to relate my experiences in full. I can understand the reaction from my friends who reads this blog. I think I can only try my best to give further details to bridge certain gap.
During the end of last session, I asked my therapist directly that what is the common way when a person in depressed get recovered? He said I needed a "cathexis" to pull me out of this. Cathexis is the process of attraction, investment and commitment. I needed to be able to get attracted to a beloved object, invested in and committed to it. And in my case now, relationship is the only desirable "cathexis.
As I pointed out earlier, we have also explored fully the risk of holiding on to relationship as the cathexis. But somehow this can be the only solution at the moment for my situation. There are certainly others form of cathexis like medication, sex and drug indulgence, holiday, work, interest, friend supports, family, community work, etc etc. When the therapist first suggested to keep relationship as the cathexis, I was mildly disappointed in fact as I still hope that I could go diffirent route. But later, I somehow concured with him on his focus as my situation only allowed that currently. I think there were two main reasons why I couldn't accept different route at current stage: (1) I am determined to do it right this time, so I feel very resistance to things that are very against my will like medication, sex and drug indulgence, etc. (2) my energy and logical thinking is very thin, so I am greatly handicapped now to make a reach to holiday, work, interest, etc
I am rather surprised myself of my depletion of energy and logical thinking. It was most obviously in the last two days. Something happened obviously and I stepped into my own landmine. There were few explosions that retracted me to the zero position again. The following are the experiences that clearly indicates my energy level and capability of logical thinking currently:
- The frequency of panic attack increased and fear developed strongly in me are the most obvious symptoms. My mind was not in control and I could only let the panic sensation ran over me again and again
- I was also many a times in very confused stage. A good example was when I was reading Han's email, I was trying to respond in my mind. Suddenly, I was pulled into an unknown dimension of confusion. I didn't know where I was and who I was and what I supposed to do. I didn't feel my self, my body, my existence. I could only feel a pure stage of confusion.
- At times, I thought I could feel my logical thinking in action. I had bliss when I was logical. I could think positive, I could pull myself out for a while from all this mess in relationship. However, these were so scare now that hardly could aggregate enough energy to liberate me from the strong negative forces.
- Sleepless nights and tireness. I think these were the two that constantly exhausting me now. I haven't been able to sleep well and always feel tire easily
- Physical attack. The most common one was breathing difficulty and heavy chest. I need to breathe heavily quite often now in order to release stress all over my body. This morning, worst of the lot, I had an entire new physical attack after I woke up not long. I was still very much in panic state. Things got more confused in my mind. At final stage, my body system was reacting with warning. I felt my lower abdomen started tightening and in sharp pain. I knew clearly that my body was giving red alarm that my stress level was too high. My body was self-destroying to boycott. I tried a few means but in vain. Finally, I had to take lexotan to nectralize the action.
I declare I am a fighter now. I will fight till the last day in this world. I am receptive to try all ways to heal but it is really dependent on my current energy. I have over and over again combing through what is the best for me. At the same time, I have also to be mindful of the landmine I don't even know myself. There will be a danger for disaster if the the landmine is just beyond my own control. With the current stage, I can only trust my therapist's profession in helping me to provide a rationale plan to get me out of this situation. This plan requries time, heavy effort and resistance to much negative forces. Though I also have my doubt in the current plan, I tell myself I need to trust my therapist when I feel that he is trying his very best to devise a best plan to help me with empathy.
When I reached home, Han was kind to send me an email giving her opinion for encouragement. I paste here for reference as I think quite a few may have the same thinking as her.
{Maybe I am more 宿命,what is yours will come, that is always a timing thing. What is yours will be yours, let H come to you, please don't go pursue him, I agree with you that you should not be a third person, if the time is right, he will know that you are the right one to be. Our girl's strategy，得不到的就是最好的, don't fall into that trap. Let him realize you are the one for him, but not in obvious ways. At the mean time keep looking but more for fun, I really don't think you should work so hard for a relationship, take it easy, have some fun along the way, the right one will definitely appear when fate arrives. maybe you will realize J is charming in someways the more you get to know him, just not those instant attraction kind. I believe relationship can grow over time, but not burn.---- from Han}
I am far away from a skillful writer at my current level. On top of that, I lacked of energy to relate my experiences in full. I can understand the reaction from my friends who reads this blog. I think I can only try my best to give further details to bridge certain gap.
During the end of last session, I asked my therapist directly that what is the common way when a person in depressed get recovered? He said I needed a "cathexis" to pull me out of this. Cathexis is the process of attraction, investment and commitment. I needed to be able to get attracted to a beloved object, invested in and committed to it. And in my case now, relationship is the only desirable "cathexis.
As I pointed out earlier, we have also explored fully the risk of holiding on to relationship as the cathexis. But somehow this can be the only solution at the moment for my situation. There are certainly others form of cathexis like medication, sex and drug indulgence, holiday, work, interest, friend supports, family, community work, etc etc. When the therapist first suggested to keep relationship as the cathexis, I was mildly disappointed in fact as I still hope that I could go diffirent route. But later, I somehow concured with him on his focus as my situation only allowed that currently. I think there were two main reasons why I couldn't accept different route at current stage: (1) I am determined to do it right this time, so I feel very resistance to things that are very against my will like medication, sex and drug indulgence, etc. (2) my energy and logical thinking is very thin, so I am greatly handicapped now to make a reach to holiday, work, interest, etc
I am rather surprised myself of my depletion of energy and logical thinking. It was most obviously in the last two days. Something happened obviously and I stepped into my own landmine. There were few explosions that retracted me to the zero position again. The following are the experiences that clearly indicates my energy level and capability of logical thinking currently:
- The frequency of panic attack increased and fear developed strongly in me are the most obvious symptoms. My mind was not in control and I could only let the panic sensation ran over me again and again
- I was also many a times in very confused stage. A good example was when I was reading Han's email, I was trying to respond in my mind. Suddenly, I was pulled into an unknown dimension of confusion. I didn't know where I was and who I was and what I supposed to do. I didn't feel my self, my body, my existence. I could only feel a pure stage of confusion.
- At times, I thought I could feel my logical thinking in action. I had bliss when I was logical. I could think positive, I could pull myself out for a while from all this mess in relationship. However, these were so scare now that hardly could aggregate enough energy to liberate me from the strong negative forces.
- Sleepless nights and tireness. I think these were the two that constantly exhausting me now. I haven't been able to sleep well and always feel tire easily
- Physical attack. The most common one was breathing difficulty and heavy chest. I need to breathe heavily quite often now in order to release stress all over my body. This morning, worst of the lot, I had an entire new physical attack after I woke up not long. I was still very much in panic state. Things got more confused in my mind. At final stage, my body system was reacting with warning. I felt my lower abdomen started tightening and in sharp pain. I knew clearly that my body was giving red alarm that my stress level was too high. My body was self-destroying to boycott. I tried a few means but in vain. Finally, I had to take lexotan to nectralize the action.
I declare I am a fighter now. I will fight till the last day in this world. I am receptive to try all ways to heal but it is really dependent on my current energy. I have over and over again combing through what is the best for me. At the same time, I have also to be mindful of the landmine I don't even know myself. There will be a danger for disaster if the the landmine is just beyond my own control. With the current stage, I can only trust my therapist's profession in helping me to provide a rationale plan to get me out of this situation. This plan requries time, heavy effort and resistance to much negative forces. Though I also have my doubt in the current plan, I tell myself I need to trust my therapist when I feel that he is trying his very best to devise a best plan to help me with empathy.
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