I have an idea type of lover/partner in my life, but I have never ever dream that I would come across him in this life.
Just 2-3 weeks ago, I thought I was finally liberated from my failed relationship. I lived blissfully day by day for a while, so I declared happily to Han that I finally returned to my normal self after 7 months.
I started posting ads to know people on the net and there were few interested candidates. The last time I came back to sg, I started meeting my new friends. While I thought I could rekindle my love to search for a new relationship, I felt something weird growing within me. I tried ignoring it and thought it might be just a minor phase to go. I continued my dating. Don just couldn't make it, he simply not my type. We just remain as friend now. J is a 25 year old young boy standing at 1.83m tall. Nevertheless he is quite matured at his age. He is currently doing his undergraduate studies and working as a part-time sales. We interacted quite well and he was very interested, but something was just not there. I suspected it was the weird feeling in action. We still remain dating.
I came to know another 27 year old boy A after I got back to SH the last time. A is currently pursuing MBA in NUS. We MSN and talked on the phone. He lied to me initially that he was not attached, but he was actually in a troubled relationship. The relationship finally fell through. I was there to pull him through a bit. So naturally he had good impression on me and we met up when I got back to sg this time. Conversation was smooth but something was not quite right again.
I examined hard this time and looked right into the weird feeling. My gosh, I saw the failed relationship was still sitting comfortably right in my heart. I still have urge to meet him, to call him, to rekindle the love with him. I suspected I am incapable of loving again, or as long as the failed relationship is still within me. This time I refused to allow myself to be entangled in the agony I thought I had lifted. I suppressed strongly the fear and feeling, I continued to find my date.
H appeared in my facebook last week and caught my attention immediately. I got connected with him hesitantly for a few reasons : (1) he looks rather young; (2) he has high potential to "kill" me if something go astray as he is just my very type; (3) I have no confidence that I can contend the weird feeling inside me.
The first day to meet last week was eventful. He made me waited till 11pm and canceled the dinner last minute without any reason. I was calm though as I was still very hesitant. I thought it might be fated that we shouldn't crossed each other, and safer that way to. He made the re-connection again sincerely and cheerfully. I responded accordingly and just went along with the flow as I felt the weird feeling was getting out of my hand each day. Inside me, there was a a strong hope that he could be the savior to me for not letting the weird feeling get out of control.
We finally got to meet on Monday for lunch. True as what I thought, I was completely charmed by him, his eye, his lip, his smile, his manner, his conversation, his look, his height, his energy, hie everything. My heart was pounding again!! H is a 29 year old boy working as a PR officer. Concurrently, he is managing his own business and taking a degree course part time. We chatted very well in a Japanese restaurant at City hall, then we proceeded to coffee club to continue our conversation. We talked about work, society, belief, interest, etc joyfully. I was so engrossed in his story and felt a bit surprised that we were so matching. Conversation went too well, but I knew I had an important question to ask. I picked a right interval and casually asked about his relationship. He casually answered that he was happily attached with normal problems expected from couples.
I composed myself quite well as I told myself again that this might be better as this boy has the potential to kill me if something doesn't go well. His attached status would deter anything from happening. We ended the coffee chat happily and he insisted to meet again before I returned to SH. We exchanged incessant SMS right after we parted. His invitation came fast and we met the next day for lunch again. Another fantastic lunch cum coffee session. I was completely dismantled into pieces. My defense mechanism was not in function at all. We continued SMS again after the session.
I knew something was not very right. I didn't want to be a third party. I didn't what to re-act my failed relationship with my ex in a different role. I had strong fear developed within me. I didn't know what to do and what would be installed for me. Worst of all, I didn't know if I could handle anything forthcoming. My very type H and my failed relationship C. It was just not something that I could cope at the same time at this current state of mind.
After we parted from coffee yesterday, I decided that I needed a break from work. I went to visit my grand-pa, mom, and two aunts in the temple where they "live" now. I prayed to them to give me energy to go through this... and i don't usually pray although i am a buddhist. Then I went to the main shrine of the temple to talk to Kuan-Yin Goddess, in hope that she would be compassionate on my derailed stage and bestow me energy to work through this. However, I dared not ask for a single thing, neither for H to stay with me nor for C to return faithfully to me. I dared not ask because I feared very much the disappointment came later. I gathered that I couldn't handle further disappointment again.
Follow on, I drove to CCK to meet my poor sister, who has been staying there alone for the past 2.5 years. If she would still be alive, maybe I could have one more person to help in this world. I then visited my mum's mum staying not too far away there too. The grand mom who always taught me to forget and forgive when she was alive. I stayed with grand mom for a while, wanting to gain some sense of serenity from death. I visualized that I was dead and there would not be problem from H, C, pain, suffering, agony anymore.
While I was gaining a tiny bit of energy from my round of paying respect, the SMS with H were non-stop and all sweet. But, I knew this could not carry on further. I hoped to settle this fast. He texted again to ask to meet for coffee at night. We agreed to meet after 11pm when I finished a movie preview. My heart was not on the movie at all, though it was a great hit Golden Compass. I rushed down to Bedok to pick him up and we headed to East Coast for a chat.
We chatted long along the beach about his business venture. I was amazed of his business knowledge at such a young age without any practical or educational background. I think he is a gifted business person. He analyzed and strategized with all the right frameworks that I had learned in MBA studies. I encouraged him to move forward confidently and I wanted so much that I could be there to realize his business ambition together with him. Perfect and enjoyable conversation with a bit of romance, but we both knew that something important beneath had to be settled. He admitted that if not for his status now I would be the guy he wanted to stay forever when he first saw me. I told him my feeling too. But we knew that this couldn't work as there was a third party in question. It was so very reluctant but we agreed that this should be our last meeting, for we knew clearly that we couldn't stay just as a friend when the feeling was so strong towards each other. Someone would get hurt and we didn't want anyone to get hurt. He made a last request that I should SMS one last time after I reached home safely. I agreed and text him the following:
Sorry about what I did just now. It shouldn't have happened. Please keep your promise that you will be happy forever as there is the sole reason why I can let go of you. You can still call me if you encounter any difficulty in future, but please make sure that it is a major one as you know I will rush to your side where ever I will be. Make this as the last SMS, you needn't reply. Really happy to have met you as you let me know that I still have the capability to love someone again. Good bye my love, you will always be in my heart. Hugs and muacks.
The episode should end here and I was again all exhausted. My yet-to-heal scar on my heart went all bleeding again. And I encountered a sleepless night again after barely few months. I hope this won't last for too long. My life go aimless again.
I closed all my profile in facebook, fridae, guys4men, trevvy. I erased all the recent acquaintances in my MSN listing. This is what I feel I should do, but I am all clueless about my healing plan next. Sign.... I am tearing again. so useless me...
Just 2-3 weeks ago, I thought I was finally liberated from my failed relationship. I lived blissfully day by day for a while, so I declared happily to Han that I finally returned to my normal self after 7 months.
I started posting ads to know people on the net and there were few interested candidates. The last time I came back to sg, I started meeting my new friends. While I thought I could rekindle my love to search for a new relationship, I felt something weird growing within me. I tried ignoring it and thought it might be just a minor phase to go. I continued my dating. Don just couldn't make it, he simply not my type. We just remain as friend now. J is a 25 year old young boy standing at 1.83m tall. Nevertheless he is quite matured at his age. He is currently doing his undergraduate studies and working as a part-time sales. We interacted quite well and he was very interested, but something was just not there. I suspected it was the weird feeling in action. We still remain dating.
I came to know another 27 year old boy A after I got back to SH the last time. A is currently pursuing MBA in NUS. We MSN and talked on the phone. He lied to me initially that he was not attached, but he was actually in a troubled relationship. The relationship finally fell through. I was there to pull him through a bit. So naturally he had good impression on me and we met up when I got back to sg this time. Conversation was smooth but something was not quite right again.
I examined hard this time and looked right into the weird feeling. My gosh, I saw the failed relationship was still sitting comfortably right in my heart. I still have urge to meet him, to call him, to rekindle the love with him. I suspected I am incapable of loving again, or as long as the failed relationship is still within me. This time I refused to allow myself to be entangled in the agony I thought I had lifted. I suppressed strongly the fear and feeling, I continued to find my date.
H appeared in my facebook last week and caught my attention immediately. I got connected with him hesitantly for a few reasons : (1) he looks rather young; (2) he has high potential to "kill" me if something go astray as he is just my very type; (3) I have no confidence that I can contend the weird feeling inside me.
The first day to meet last week was eventful. He made me waited till 11pm and canceled the dinner last minute without any reason. I was calm though as I was still very hesitant. I thought it might be fated that we shouldn't crossed each other, and safer that way to. He made the re-connection again sincerely and cheerfully. I responded accordingly and just went along with the flow as I felt the weird feeling was getting out of my hand each day. Inside me, there was a a strong hope that he could be the savior to me for not letting the weird feeling get out of control.
We finally got to meet on Monday for lunch. True as what I thought, I was completely charmed by him, his eye, his lip, his smile, his manner, his conversation, his look, his height, his energy, hie everything. My heart was pounding again!! H is a 29 year old boy working as a PR officer. Concurrently, he is managing his own business and taking a degree course part time. We chatted very well in a Japanese restaurant at City hall, then we proceeded to coffee club to continue our conversation. We talked about work, society, belief, interest, etc joyfully. I was so engrossed in his story and felt a bit surprised that we were so matching. Conversation went too well, but I knew I had an important question to ask. I picked a right interval and casually asked about his relationship. He casually answered that he was happily attached with normal problems expected from couples.
I composed myself quite well as I told myself again that this might be better as this boy has the potential to kill me if something doesn't go well. His attached status would deter anything from happening. We ended the coffee chat happily and he insisted to meet again before I returned to SH. We exchanged incessant SMS right after we parted. His invitation came fast and we met the next day for lunch again. Another fantastic lunch cum coffee session. I was completely dismantled into pieces. My defense mechanism was not in function at all. We continued SMS again after the session.
I knew something was not very right. I didn't want to be a third party. I didn't what to re-act my failed relationship with my ex in a different role. I had strong fear developed within me. I didn't know what to do and what would be installed for me. Worst of all, I didn't know if I could handle anything forthcoming. My very type H and my failed relationship C. It was just not something that I could cope at the same time at this current state of mind.
After we parted from coffee yesterday, I decided that I needed a break from work. I went to visit my grand-pa, mom, and two aunts in the temple where they "live" now. I prayed to them to give me energy to go through this... and i don't usually pray although i am a buddhist. Then I went to the main shrine of the temple to talk to Kuan-Yin Goddess, in hope that she would be compassionate on my derailed stage and bestow me energy to work through this. However, I dared not ask for a single thing, neither for H to stay with me nor for C to return faithfully to me. I dared not ask because I feared very much the disappointment came later. I gathered that I couldn't handle further disappointment again.
Follow on, I drove to CCK to meet my poor sister, who has been staying there alone for the past 2.5 years. If she would still be alive, maybe I could have one more person to help in this world. I then visited my mum's mum staying not too far away there too. The grand mom who always taught me to forget and forgive when she was alive. I stayed with grand mom for a while, wanting to gain some sense of serenity from death. I visualized that I was dead and there would not be problem from H, C, pain, suffering, agony anymore.
While I was gaining a tiny bit of energy from my round of paying respect, the SMS with H were non-stop and all sweet. But, I knew this could not carry on further. I hoped to settle this fast. He texted again to ask to meet for coffee at night. We agreed to meet after 11pm when I finished a movie preview. My heart was not on the movie at all, though it was a great hit Golden Compass. I rushed down to Bedok to pick him up and we headed to East Coast for a chat.
We chatted long along the beach about his business venture. I was amazed of his business knowledge at such a young age without any practical or educational background. I think he is a gifted business person. He analyzed and strategized with all the right frameworks that I had learned in MBA studies. I encouraged him to move forward confidently and I wanted so much that I could be there to realize his business ambition together with him. Perfect and enjoyable conversation with a bit of romance, but we both knew that something important beneath had to be settled. He admitted that if not for his status now I would be the guy he wanted to stay forever when he first saw me. I told him my feeling too. But we knew that this couldn't work as there was a third party in question. It was so very reluctant but we agreed that this should be our last meeting, for we knew clearly that we couldn't stay just as a friend when the feeling was so strong towards each other. Someone would get hurt and we didn't want anyone to get hurt. He made a last request that I should SMS one last time after I reached home safely. I agreed and text him the following:
Sorry about what I did just now. It shouldn't have happened. Please keep your promise that you will be happy forever as there is the sole reason why I can let go of you. You can still call me if you encounter any difficulty in future, but please make sure that it is a major one as you know I will rush to your side where ever I will be. Make this as the last SMS, you needn't reply. Really happy to have met you as you let me know that I still have the capability to love someone again. Good bye my love, you will always be in my heart. Hugs and muacks.
The episode should end here and I was again all exhausted. My yet-to-heal scar on my heart went all bleeding again. And I encountered a sleepless night again after barely few months. I hope this won't last for too long. My life go aimless again.
I closed all my profile in facebook, fridae, guys4men, trevvy. I erased all the recent acquaintances in my MSN listing. This is what I feel I should do, but I am all clueless about my healing plan next. Sign.... I am tearing again. so useless me...
No comments:
Post a Comment