Learn to be reserved in words

After jogging in East Coast, Mel, Dan and I went to Whampoa food centre for dinner. We met Ja and his bf. During the chat I related a recent event between Ed and An. An likes to exaggerate things when he talks about people. An was again exaggerated a recent event related to Ed and Mel in a gathering to a group of friends. Knowing An's habit, I confirmed with Mel later that the event was again largely been exaggerated and unfair to Ed. I told them that I have ever discussed this habit with An a few months back. The answer I got from him was quite amazing. An feels that his behaviour is normal and necessary in our circle as everyone talks about everyone everywhere. Therefore, he feels that it is totally right for him to talk about people the way he likes as he assumes people will also talk about him freely behind his back. I surrendered myself after two hours of preaching to him at that time and in return I got a nick name of preacher from the group after An related my lecture to him to them.

We then followed to discuss there should be a limit towards telling thing even if it is a joke as unwarranted words will hurt people. I then recalled again this conversation with a friend of mine. This friend is at times quite cynical in words when having casual chat with people. I discussed with him one day on his behaviour and the response I got was equally amazing. He feels that everyone in this circle like to bitch people, if you don't know how to bitch people you will be the one to be doomed in no time. I was speechless.

We went on to divert the conversation topic to others. Ja mentioned B. Spontaneously, I jokingly blurted that Dan had to know this person. Mel was flushed. Ja's bf asked why. I couldn't stop myself at the time but to tell that B was Mel's date at one time. Dan immediately pretended angry at Mel and asked why didn't he know about B. Ja quickly put in a rescue jokingly accusing me of creating trouble for the two.

This was no doubt a small incidence, but I was a bit troubled as I made a blunder right after we discussed the wrong of An's behaviour.

A lonely boy

I still remember a boy was running about in my mind when I was depressed earlier on. I saw a boy crossing the road on his own; I saw a boy reading in a corner; I saw a boy taking lunch alone, etc. The scenes were so close to the movie "Hanging Garden". The main lead saw his young self running around in the house when he returned home for his sister's wedding after many years of absence. At that time, I could even feel the extreme loneliness in the boy. Yes, this was me in my primary school. I guess I was reflecting my then emotion to the childhood me who kept flashing in my mind. I know long ago that I have been lonely. Mew knows exactly when he started his loneliness, but I can't account for the cause. The loneliness was even more severe when I was down. Therefore, I understand totally when Mew said it is unbearable.

I like to read and I keep learning new stuffs. I guess subconsciously I am just trying to keep myself busy to forget the extreme loneliness all along.

Now that I am much better, I reflect my current state of mind to the primary school boy. I saw a boy doing things on his own with the acceptance of life as it is.

Loneliness

I have the same feeling with Mew in this conversation in The Love of Siam :

+ Mew, how have you been?

- Not too bad.. I am happy with playing music

+ Don't you feel lonely staying alone?

- unbearable....

+ What do you mean by unbearable?

- When we were kids, loneliness was when you had no friend right? When we grow up, the level of loneliness is much more serious then when we were kids.

+ Why is it so serious?

- I don't know how to explain. It started from the summer when I was in grade 8.... after the death of my granny... It has not been easy, I miss my granny more and more with time passes.. I then have a question that long bothering me... Will we be able to take it on the day when we have to part with the person we love so much? And parting is an unavoidable part of our life.

- I believe you understand well too. Will it be possible that we love a person so much but we are not afraid of losing him? I am also thinking at the same time, will it be possible that we don't love anyone in our life? This is what I mean by loneliness..... Loneliness has been with me for the past five years... How can I not understand the painfulness of loneliness? And I really don't know what my life is from now?