My friend was so kind to give me a contact of a counsellor to talk to. He asked if I have suicidal thought at that moment. I told him I am so tired then that I could not even think of whether I want to end of life. My thought then was to let thing happened its way. If I had to end of life, so be it.
I am a little worry, but only a little, that I will actually end my own life myself. I don't like to kill myself. But, I think of killing myself while driving fast along high way; flying down from high floor; taking sleeping pills and not wake up again, etc. These are not good thoughts. I am trying many ways to stop the thoughts but in vain so far. I thought of if I can pull through this, I will be happy forever; I will be stronger than ever; I will be more fulfilling. But somehow things still doesn't go the positive way.
So now I have to try again. I remember my friend GT told me that if a person says he wants to suicide, he will never commit suicide. So now I want to say it loud that I want to commit suicide. I WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
Am I hearing this?? I hope I will hear this inside me, outside me, every part of me. So if every part of me now knows that I am killing myself, something inside me should trigger rationale thinking if unfortunate thing has to happen.
Will I kill myself? I am not sure really. A part of me shouting loud that I don't want to die; A part of me is already giving up bit by bit.
Why my life has to be so interesting cum colorful. I actually prefer a more simple life.
I am so exhausted.
I am a little worry, but only a little, that I will actually end my own life myself. I don't like to kill myself. But, I think of killing myself while driving fast along high way; flying down from high floor; taking sleeping pills and not wake up again, etc. These are not good thoughts. I am trying many ways to stop the thoughts but in vain so far. I thought of if I can pull through this, I will be happy forever; I will be stronger than ever; I will be more fulfilling. But somehow things still doesn't go the positive way.
So now I have to try again. I remember my friend GT told me that if a person says he wants to suicide, he will never commit suicide. So now I want to say it loud that I want to commit suicide. I WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
Am I hearing this?? I hope I will hear this inside me, outside me, every part of me. So if every part of me now knows that I am killing myself, something inside me should trigger rationale thinking if unfortunate thing has to happen.
Will I kill myself? I am not sure really. A part of me shouting loud that I don't want to die; A part of me is already giving up bit by bit.
Why my life has to be so interesting cum colorful. I actually prefer a more simple life.
I am so exhausted.
2 comments:
Hey. I've been checking out your blog for some time. Interesting experiences you've had. =)
It's never easy coping, including the suicidal thoughts. Good luck with that. :)
hi teo, thanks for reading and the encouragement... still hope I have a simple life than an interesting one..
Merry Christmas and Happy New year..
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