An unfinished conclusion

I flew back from Shanghai the last time yesterday in morning SQ flight. I woke up 5am in the morning. A light bulk burst like firework when I switched on my living room light right after I woke up, as if to celebrate my end of tour in Shanghai. I suddenly felt a surge of relief when I was packing my luggage few days ago. I guess inside me I yearned to believe that the end of my Shanghai stay would mark the end of the most difficult year in my life the past one year there. Upon after thought, it was destined for me to end my relationship with the Shanghai's posting. I thought I could manage the aftermath of the break off thinking that the pain would be deep but manageable. Never would I ever dream that LSH would appear at the time that was most uncalled for followed by the drug eruption. The pain was just too great and unbearable. I could really feel my heart was burning and bleeding every second just by putting lightly my hand on my chest. It was excruciating.

I set two rules for myself right after my break off.

Rule 1 : Not to indulge in sex or drug to liberate the suffering
Rule 2 : To uphold the belief in monogamy relationship

I have been trying very hard to keep to these rules since then.

I had also been confidence in my recovery since the break off until I met the positive boy. There was this belief that my conscious mind was overreacting to the situation and I would just awaken one day after the indulgence in grief was over. The experiment on my subconsciousness that the positive boy did on me hit me quite hard on this confidence actually. My subconsciousness didn't even know if I would ever go through this episode. My confidence in recovery was greatly shattered. I later realized that my recovery had to depend on subsequent events unfolding. I also know clearly that I have been dealing with two major issues in my life that I believe are interrelated, my relationship problem and my family problem. I determined to get into ELE and intended to settle the issues one and for all.

I thought I would just woke up one day and I would be back to a normal self that I could term it as "recovered" when I first started this blog. Therefore, I thought the day when I recover would be the day when I write the conclusion for this blog. However, I now realize that such a day would never come. The recovery process is gradual and continuous. I will be constantly fighting with unfolding events.

With this realization, I will end the blog now and just let the nature takes its course.

I highlight the following events for the conclusion of this blog :

- My encounter with LSH. It was definitely a mistake, but it was a no regret. I still feel him in me a lot.
- I am grateful to wl, han, shifu, shijie and friends in Shanghai who gave abundant support.
- I am happy that I am still upholding the two rules.
- I got the feeling that the family problem is imminent and I am consciously suppressing my fear on this.
- I am happy that it is a clear full stop on my failed relationship.
- My time is running out.

- The pain is still there, it is still excruciating, but functional now.