Hypnosis in action - revival of soul and spirit

I was as usual too exhausted yesterday, went to bed at 1030pm. The moment I laid on the bed, I received a SMS from H "Dear dear.. nite, miss you" I stared at the SMS blankly, didn't know how to react. I had been trying to keep away from H knowing that I had no will to resist him. I texted back my feeling to say I miss him too. He texted back and asked to meet soon for meal. I could only agree to any of his request. I managed to sleep half an hour later. It wasn't a good sleep and I woke up at 2.30am. Couldn't get myself to sleep again, I wrote some of the articles for this blog till 5am. Sunk myself back to bed trying to force sleep but my mind was just too active. I was in real bad angry mood when I dragged myself out from bed again at around 9am. I tried hard to control the emotion in me. I watched a taiwanese variety trying to deviate my attention. The variety finished at 1130am just in time for me to go for my therapy session.

I reached the therapist's office and saw that the office was not opened. I thought the therapist forgot about the appointment. With some disappointment, I sensed my anger rising. I tried to suppress the negative emotion and called the therapist on the phone. When the phone was ringing, I was released to see the therapist appeared from the lift.

We started updating my recent events and I related to him the explosion of landmine few days ago. I told him that I was reset to zero again or maybe even worst now with some anger in me. I later produced a summary of the major disaster in my life since young and went through with him on all the events. I saw myself getting angry with helplessness. Looking at the events unfolding, we both agreed that there wasn't a time for me to breathe since my "O" level. The therapist understood now better why I was in such a bad state. The therapist started analyzing my situation and we explored about healing plan.

He explained that the past experiences had crunched my soul and spirit. He intended to work on healing the soul and spirit. He explained the procedure how to talk to my 8 year old self inside me trying to dilute the pain incurred during ELE. This would help to strengthen inner energy for self growth. I asked him whether hypnosis would work on me. He thought for a while and started hypnotizing me trying to reduce my fear and panic in me.

After a brief procedure, he asked if I could feel any different. I told him nothing was obvious. He explained the procedure and he tried again. I started to feel a bit calmer. He then asked me to sit on a reclining chair. He first asked me to recite after him to strengthen my own belief. He then did the same hypnosis on me. Next, he started using music therapy. He played healing music to sooth me for a while. He followed by reciting some positive statements to strengthen my inner energy. The whole procedure was about 20 minutes I think. I woke up feeling rather calm. He noted that and he suggested that we would do the procedure more often to heal the soul and spirit at the mean time. At the same time, he also would help me to build a defense system to guard my soul and spirit from further harm. I left the office feeling a bit better than when I was there. I deliberately didn't want to judge the effect of the hypnosis, then I proceeded to gym for my jog and swim.

I met C there and we had a good chat. We joked about the new year eve party at his place later at night. I went jogging to the peak of Mt Faber again before I plunged into the pool for ten laps swim. By the time I finished the gym, I felt bliss started to engulf me. Slowly and increasingly, I felt inner energy has been ignited in me. Not too long later, I felt I was out of depressed mode totally. I didn't know how much I could keep the bliss. I tried some of the procedures myself hoping for more sustained peace.

I went back home and napped for a while before taking dinner. I wrote this blog still with much bliss engulfing me till now. It is really a miracle experience for me and I am trying to leverage on it for full recovery.

苏州寒山寺的一百零八钟声

Suzhou han shan si has a big big bell. Han shan si will sound the bell 108 times during the lunar new year day. There was a beautiful story relating to this 108 bells. The way to sound the bell is important and requires meticulous technique. It is said that when the bell is sounded, the hell realm will fill with light during the vibration sound of the bell. The hell realm is normally dark and the beings in the hell realm are suffering for its own karma. The light that comes with the sound of the bell temporary liberates the suffering of the beings in the hell realm and allows them opportunity to read and learn Dharma so as they can get enlighted and be liberated from the suffering. If the bell is sounded too fast and short, there will not be enough time for the beings to read the dharma. If the bell is sounded not continuously, it will be difficult for reading as there will be many interruption in between. Therefore, it requires high technique to keep the sound of the bell continuous and lengthy, slowly, stable and one after the other.

This situation is very similar to my logical thinking. Most of the times, I consider myself residing in the hell realm now without logical thinking. When the logical thinking is back to me, I am just like seeing the light in the hell, I will temporary get enlighted and liberated. I can see clearly my attachment and suffering. I can be mindful and detach easily the unnecessary. When there is no logical thinking, just like there is no light in the hell realm, I am suffering from depression and struggling with all kind of attachment

I need ways to lengthen the sound of the bell in me in order to build inner energy to liberate from my current situation.

师姐的百宝袋

I met up with shijie for dinner on friday night at Sizzler, the restaurant we haunted quite a lot 3-4 years ago when we were still in good term. We didn't require anytime to re-familiarise with each other. The closeness just rekindled the moment when we met. The laugher started right after we met. The time with Shijie could never be boring.

Knowing my down, Shijie was trying all his might to make me feel light. With his 百宝袋, Shijie had got no problem to contend my gloominess. Shijie had a bag similar to 小叮当的百宝袋. She would take up the 宝物 slowly one by one and entertained me. I was very amused on why there were so many things in the bag. And shijie had the power to make all the things in the bag interesting.

Happy times went fast, we chatted till 930pm after 3 hours of dinner and coffee break. I drove her back as usual. We managed to turned back the clock 3-4 years ago. Everything was still the same, except that I was down with depression.

Taking refuge under Buddha

Shifu and I paid a brief visit to Phor Kha See Temple yesterday. PKS was conducting year end Om's retreat till 2 Jan. I was a bit moved when I heard the familiar Om mani Padme Hum Chanting. My ex-colleague happened to call me yesterday and told me that she would be going down after work to join the retreat. As I wasn't free yesterday night, I decided to join her on Sunday

I woke up as usual on Sunday monring. Dragged myself out of bed for paper reading, then went to gym for jogging and swimming. After gym, I headed to temple at around 1110am to join the chanting. I joined both the 2 sessions in the afternoon, 2 hours per sessions. I hardly practised tibetan chanting when I was active in buddhist circle. This was my first time joining such chanting.

I never tried so hard in a meditation like what I did here. I was using all my might to focus, to be mindful, in hope to heal any wound deep inside my heart and build a stronger mind to overcome hurddle in life. I was fully exhausted after the two sessions both mentally and physically. I didn't know if I had achieved my aim but I could at least temporary got hold of my mind when I was chanting. H appeared many times during the chanting and I was able to observe and manage the feeling on him. My failed relationship had also surfaced. I could also let go when I was chanting.

It was the session that I thought I had full control of my mind again. But the mood swing hit me lightly again right after the session. I managed to contend it with the fresh gain minfulness.

Can I do more at this stage other than relationship?

I was rather restless this morning. Decided to go for lunch with shifu to occupy my time. Shifu was again supportive to give me his time. We went to a small eatery near Thomson for lunch. Shifu suddenly said to me that I should be awarded "the best actor of the year". He explained that he wouldn't know I was in great distress if he didn't read my blog here. What he saw was a happy front interacting with him. On the way back, he commented that he didn't really agreed with my therapy and he said he was playing a supporting role by not commenting on my situation now. He asked me to check with him on his comment if I was ready to hear

When I reached home, Han was kind to send me an email giving her opinion for encouragement. I paste here for reference as I think quite a few may have the same thinking as her.

{Maybe I am more 宿命,what is yours will come, that is always a timing thing. What is yours will be yours, let H come to you, please don't go pursue him, I agree with you that you should not be a third person, if the time is right, he will know that you are the right one to be. Our girl's strategy，得不到的就是最好的, don't fall into that trap. Let him realize you are the one for him, but not in obvious ways. At the mean time keep looking but more for fun, I really don't think you should work so hard for a relationship, take it easy, have some fun along the way, the right one will definitely appear when fate arrives. maybe you will realize J is charming in someways the more you get to know him, just not those instant attraction kind. I believe relationship can grow over time, but not burn.---- from Han}

I am far away from a skillful writer at my current level. On top of that, I lacked of energy to relate my experiences in full. I can understand the reaction from my friends who reads this blog. I think I can only try my best to give further details to bridge certain gap.

During the end of last session, I asked my therapist directly that what is the common way when a person in depressed get recovered? He said I needed a "cathexis" to pull me out of this. Cathexis is the process of attraction, investment and commitment. I needed to be able to get attracted to a beloved object, invested in and committed to it. And in my case now, relationship is the only desirable "cathexis.

As I pointed out earlier, we have also explored fully the risk of holiding on to relationship as the cathexis. But somehow this can be the only solution at the moment for my situation. There are certainly others form of cathexis like medication, sex and drug indulgence, holiday, work, interest, friend supports, family, community work, etc etc. When the therapist first suggested to keep relationship as the cathexis, I was mildly disappointed in fact as I still hope that I could go diffirent route. But later, I somehow concured with him on his focus as my situation only allowed that currently. I think there were two main reasons why I couldn't accept different route at current stage: (1) I am determined to do it right this time, so I feel very resistance to things that are very against my will like medication, sex and drug indulgence, etc. (2) my energy and logical thinking is very thin, so I am greatly handicapped now to make a reach to holiday, work, interest, etc

I am rather surprised myself of my depletion of energy and logical thinking. It was most obviously in the last two days. Something happened obviously and I stepped into my own landmine. There were few explosions that retracted me to the zero position again. The following are the experiences that clearly indicates my energy level and capability of logical thinking currently:

- The frequency of panic attack increased and fear developed strongly in me are the most obvious symptoms. My mind was not in control and I could only let the panic sensation ran over me again and again

- I was also many a times in very confused stage. A good example was when I was reading Han's email, I was trying to respond in my mind. Suddenly, I was pulled into an unknown dimension of confusion. I didn't know where I was and who I was and what I supposed to do. I didn't feel my self, my body, my existence. I could only feel a pure stage of confusion.

- At times, I thought I could feel my logical thinking in action. I had bliss when I was logical. I could think positive, I could pull myself out for a while from all this mess in relationship. However, these were so scare now that hardly could aggregate enough energy to liberate me from the strong negative forces.

- Sleepless nights and tireness. I think these were the two that constantly exhausting me now. I haven't been able to sleep well and always feel tire easily

- Physical attack. The most common one was breathing difficulty and heavy chest. I need to breathe heavily quite often now in order to release stress all over my body. This morning, worst of the lot, I had an entire new physical attack after I woke up not long. I was still very much in panic state. Things got more confused in my mind. At final stage, my body system was reacting with warning. I felt my lower abdomen started tightening and in sharp pain. I knew clearly that my body was giving red alarm that my stress level was too high. My body was self-destroying to boycott. I tried a few means but in vain. Finally, I had to take lexotan to nectralize the action.

I declare I am a fighter now. I will fight till the last day in this world. I am receptive to try all ways to heal but it is really dependent on my current energy. I have over and over again combing through what is the best for me. At the same time, I have also to be mindful of the landmine I don't even know myself. There will be a danger for disaster if the the landmine is just beyond my own control. With the current stage, I can only trust my therapist's profession in helping me to provide a rationale plan to get me out of this situation. This plan requries time, heavy effort and resistance to much negative forces. Though I also have my doubt in the current plan, I tell myself I need to trust my therapist when I feel that he is trying his very best to devise a best plan to help me with empathy.

Obstacle in action

wow, didn't expect writing about my grandma this time would trigger such a mood swing. I was a bit happy yesterday that I thougth I had managed to muster a bit of inner energy in me for recovery. It's definitely a bad plunge so far. The most I plunge downward the most I miss H. I now can understand a bit why my therapist keeps suggesting me to ask H to re-consider his relationship. Well well well, don't think I can overcome that route of breaking out other's relationship. I feel the whole panic attack running over me now. Again my logical thinking is thining every second. I am engulfed in full emotion currently.

My healing reset to zero once again..........

50 years of sorrow in silence

I called my elderest sister when I was in SH the first night feeling very down. That was the first time I decided that someone in my family should be informed about my misery. I didn't know how to put accross my feeling but kept weeping in the phone. My sister was trying to console me and she mentioned my maternal grandma to encourage me.

She related a conversation with our grandma to me. Grandma would sometimes come over to our house to stay when she was still alive. She always slept with my eldeest sister in her room. They normally had small chat before they slept. My grandma divulged to my sister that she had been in silent sorrow for the past 50 years. My sister encouraged me that gramdma could contend the sorrow for 50 years and still remained in life till her last breath. We as the grandchildren should carry on with the energy and live strongly regardless of any difficulty in life.

Grandma was the second wife of grandpa after the deceased of grandpa's first wife. The first wife left behind 2 sons and a daughter. Grandma was not much older than the eldest son. It was not easy to be a step mother and the eldest son had never see eye to eye on everything with grandma. Grandma's life became more miserable when she gave birth to her only son. Typical to a rich family, my eldest uncle always had this thougth that Grandma and her son were there to snap the wealth of my Grandpa. He was not only cautiously guarding the wealth of my Grandpa, but also hostile to Grandma and her son worrying that they might snap the wealth from him anytime. He had never been kind to Grandma and her son all his life even though he had finally inherited all the wealth left over by my Grandpa.

I will never forget the day when grandma left us. Grandma had been bed-bound for quite a while due to her heart problem. She finally couldn't hold on any longer and was about to leave all her beloved one surrounding her on one of the night. We were all painful to see her struggling to stay alive in order to be with us. At that moment, my eldest uncle was shouting loud at my Grandma demanding her to hold on her breath till morning. He believed that an elder in the family shoudn't pass away at night as this would bring along the wealth of the family. So he shouted again and again to my grandma asking her to hold on to her breath until day break in order to keep the wealth for his family. I saw my grandma trying very hard to respond to my eldest uncle's request and to hold on her breath. But her heart was just too weak to hold on any further after an hour of effort. She still left behind all her beloved one at that night

My uncle was angry and kept grumbling bad about my Grandma saying that she was an evil woman and deserved to die. He even wanted to go against my Grandma's will to cremate her immediately. His son finally managed to persuade his father that Grandma was scare of fire and wouldn't want to be cremated. At least, my grandma could leave in peace after my eldest cousin took over to oversee the funeral process himself in accordance with my grandma's will.

Contrary to my uncle's attitude to my Grandma, all her grandchildern liked her alot. We always felt her warm and caring. None of us had experienced her tantrum once. She was always kind and soft spoken. Her life was miserable also partly due to her only son. My youngest uncle was a bit retarded from young. He created alot of trouble for my grandma. However, my grandma still worried for him and took good care of him till he passed away with cancer at around the age of 40. That was the first time I saw my grandma lost her usual calm composure and broke down so much in tears.

There was a few encounters with Grandma that would always stay in my memory.

My father was at his most ridiculous rowdy behavious during my university time. I was so stressed as the whole family was shouting and crying most of the time at the period. Coupled with stress from school work, I found difficulty in managing it. I dropped by Grandma's place one day to visit her and accompany her by her bed side. She was already bed bound at that time. I was so stressed that I grumbled so much to her about my feeling. She listened quietly throughout and she consoled me gently after I finished my heart pouring. She reasoned the difficulty of my father to me and asked me not too hold grudge on him. She also asked me to talk to my father about my feeling. I felt that she could understand me well. I left her place with less stress that day

My grandma always liked to be surrounded by her grandchildren. I thought I should do something one day. Taking the opportunity of one of my cousin's birthday, I organized a big birthday party at my house gathered all the 13 grandchildren of grandma to celebrate for our cousin. Grandma enjoyed the party very much that night. Towards the end of the party, Grandma came into my room suddenly and gave me a red packet. I was a bit surprised and laughted at Grandma explaining to her that I wasn't the birthday boy that day. She insisted that I took the red packet. I accepted it puzzlely according to her will. Not until much later that I found out what was the meaning of the red packet when I talked to my mum's about the incidence. We felt that grandma must have understood my real intention of organising the birthday party that day. It was mainly meant to gather all the grandchildren to spend time with her. In appreciation, she returned a red packet to me. She was such a sensitive and affectoinate person.

The only solution is a genuine partner!!

I attended the second session of psychotherapy at 2pm. The therapist had just finished his previous call, my session only began at around 230pm. We ended the session around 4pm. The therapist told me previously that the session should only take about 45 mins, but we ended up doubling the session due to the extensiveness of my problems.

We first chatted about my current update. The original plan was to contend the problems on present situation first before jumping into early life experience. I told the therapist that I had, on my own accord, went into analysing my ELE based on Scott's book. We therefore drilled into the topic quite a bit subsequently. The therapist was a bit taken aback with my ELE and agreed that there were major unhappiness in every phases of my life till now. He was trying to use my academic and job achievement to balance the equation. I told him that I had also tried that route too but it didn't work out as well

He told me he would go back and disgest a bit more on my ELE and my current problems. At the mean time, it seemed to him that to find a life partner was the only solution to get myself out of my current situation. We discussed the difficulty and risk in searching for the right person. He suggested that he could be the referee to help to confirm and strengthen the relationship if I ever found a suitable life partner. He further stressed that this person must be a genuine person in nature, not someone would take advantage of me.

We re-visited my ex, but I told him that it would be difficult as my ex had his own set of problems to be solved. H was also been ruled out as I felt that he still quite in love with his bf and I would feel guilty to break out other's relationship. J seemed to be still dealing with his own problems with his ex and on his tantrum.

Currently, it seems that there isn't any suitable candidate yet.

A morning as usual

I talked to J till late night yesterday. The talk somehow had healing effect that I went to bed feeling at ease around 130am. Not so bad a night sleep, but I still woke up about 6am in the morning feeling fear and slight panic attack. Took a cup of water. I started meditation. The untanned wild monkey ran even more aggressive today. Almost an hour past, I came out of meditation not knowing if my mind was any calmer. Went down for breakfast and paper reading. Reading was easier today and I took a bit more time to finish the paper.

The second therapy session will be at 2pm in this afternoon. I have already few questions in mind to clarify with the therapist.

The load is still pretty much on my chest. Guess I have still to befriend with it for a while more.

Looking forward to a happier mindset.

Happy, Happier, Happiest, Happiness

I am on a roller coaster ride

I woke up in the morning feeling stress and slight panic attack. I did a half-an-hour meditation trying to calm myself now. As I haven't been doing meditation for quite a while, my mind ran like an untanned wild monkey. I was exhausted and sunk myself on bed again, letting some light music running on the background hoping to achieve healing effect. I dragged myself out from the bed after an hour past thinking I should be more discipline to get myself out of the down mood. I went downstair for breakfast and paper reading. With not much apetite, I only took a cup of water with two slides of bread. Still restlessly, I found no interests in anything I read. I went back to my room to start my computer to search for something to focus. I watched a variety program from Taiwan. I was a little relieved that I managed to aggregate a bit of attention on something. After watching the program, I held on to the momentum to prepare myself to head for the gym. I had not been to gym for the past week. Health is ulmost important now for my recovery, I at least need to take good care of it.

I reached gym at about 11am. Jogging cum swimming is my normal gym routine. I can't do any weight currently due to neck and shoulder injury. I decided to jog outside the gym since the sun was bright today. I am a Sun person, I hoped I could draw some energy from direct contact with the Sun. My mood was again down when I started jogging. Negative thougth kept creeping in here and there. I was already planning for my suicide at the moment when I discovered the thought. I suddenly felt guilty of involving so many friends this time round in my situation. If I couldn't pull through, I was sure many of them would feel guilty about not been able to do something. I was thinking ways to write my will to let them know that I appreciated all their help and concern. If I couldn't pull through this time, no one should be at fault. This would be my detiny. I should have fought a good fight if there was such a day to come.

Many a times I felt like quitting the jog right away. I was jogging up Mt Faber. I thought I should apply some positive thinking to nectralize the negative thougth. Looking at the steep slope infront of me, I told myself I was going to challenge the slope just like taking the current challenge on my situation now. I had to overcome it. I started my pace again. Not easy, I found I was both hungry and lacked of energy. Negative thought came again. I was very groomy and exhausted. Suddenly, my grandma, my aunt and my sister appeared in my mind. They were encouraging me on the challenge. I shouted at myself that I had to persist. I want to continue to live happily in life, including the part from my grandma, my aunt and my sister. My grandma had suffered quite alot when alive. My aunt commited suicide around my age. My sister passed away because of cancer. They all didn't enjoy much when they were alive. Therefore, I told myself I had to continue their life for them now, living happily and joyfully each day. I ran and continue running. Finally, I managed to reach the peak of Mt Faber. I was quite relieved and able to enjoy the breeze blowing past me under the bright Sun. The world was so beautiful, I should live in peace and joy. I slowed down my pace and jogged down the hill. I then changed to swimming truck and went for ten laps swim. At around 1pm, I finished my shower and found stomach grouching at me.

Thinking that I should maintain the positive mood, I tried calling Shifu, M and J for lunch. Unfortunately, no one could attend to my last minute request. I took a quick lunch on the way back home. The moment when I reached home, my moody friend visited me once again. sign... with much physical exhaustion, I couldn't resist but could only sink myself on bed the second time in the day, letting the music ran at the background again. I dragged myself out from the bed at about 4pm and went online to seach for something to focus. I got acquinted with D through Fridae and we started our chat on MSN animatedly. We chatted for an hour before we continued our chat on the phone. My mood was getting better now. My gosh, is relationship the only cure to my situation now?? I shouted subconciously when I was chatting with D. Am I pushing myself into another dangerous zone again? I really don't know. Guess the question is to be answered by my therapy during my next visit.

师姐驾到

When I was on my way to psychotheraphy session, I received a simple SMS asking how I was from my Shijie. My tears rushed into my eye uncontrollably. Consciously knowing that I have declared not to cry, I forced back my tears with all my might. Shijie and I haven't been talking since 2004.

Before I knew my Shifu, Shijie was already a long term close mate with him. So naturally, I had to call him Shijie, even though I was two years older than him. We got along very well since the first day of meeting. Shijie always got good, sharp and sarcastic humorous sense. Time with Shijie had never been boring. We went through thick and thin together since the day I came out of closet. I can't account for my initial few years of gay life without the presence of Shijie. There was too much happiness muddled with unhappiness at the same time.

The connection was broken after an incidence. The incident occurred that shook the fundamental trust between us. I was so hurt and disappointed that I cut off the connection immediately and impulsively. I didn't answer Shijie's phone for a while and he turned angry and didn't pursue further. Thereafter, we were strangers to each other.

There were many a times I thought I should patch back with Shijie. Our friendship had been frank and direct. I always thought it was a great loss to me that we should ended up this way. However, I haven't got enough energy to initiate the patch back.

Shifu was kind enough to tell Shijie about my current situation, probably hoping he could render some support to me. I am really grateful to all the kind gestures from both of them.

Confrontation (II) - The incomplete fate

Y happened to come by SH for business trip the week before last during my down period. There was always a score yet to be settled between us. I saw it the right time to make a closure during his visit. He arrived on Wednesday night and called me from hotel without early warning as usual. I was too tired to meet him that night and arranged to take him out after his meeting the next day. He supposed to call and tell me the time to meet. As his usual self, the phone didn't ring till 4pm. I decided to call him to check on his schedule. He had already finished his meeting and was ready to meet anytime. We arranged to meet at 6pm at a bookshop in Fuxin Road. He later texted to ask if his female colleague and one of his friend in SH could come along. Helplessly, I replied him that that supposed to be the meeting between two of us, but he could bring anyone he liked if he so wished. He texted to protest that I should have told him earlier.

We met at the bookshop with his female colleague. I brought them to shop along Nanjing Dong Road, then later proceed to the famous SH Bund for sightseeing. The dinner was at a Cantonese restaurant and we finished the night at around 10pm. I went to his hotel room to chat after dinner. We started casual chat at first and slowly I told him about my depression and crying that few days. He was a bit shock to hear that and I jokingly said that he was partially responsible for this. He was puzzled on why he had a role in this as we had not met for a while. I recounted the history for him.

Before our first meeting at Tower Record in Pacific Tower, I had longed to meet him as all our mutual friends had been saying he was my type. I was studying in Sydney at that time and he had already stayed in New York for a few years. We both came back to sg at the same time for holiday. One of our mutual friend organized a dinner to receive us together. While the mutual friend and I were talking at the entrance of Tower Record waiting for the others to come, I saw a boy taking the escalator coming up to our way. Before I could admire at his cuteness, the mutual friend shouted and pointed at him to me saying that he was Y. We met and immediately got attracted to each other. We started our date the next day till the day we ended our holiday in sg. The proximity of our house further accelerated the intimacy of our relationship. We talked leisurely everyday during our meeting. It was a perfect holiday romance for both of us. We went back to where belonged at that time and continued our life.

The second year came and the holiday romance repeated itself. We would somehow came back together to sg and continued our sweet dating here. We both enjoyed each other company alot in sg. This pattern ran almost every year since we first met. However, a strange phenomenon was that we hardly contacted each other when we were out of the holiday romance. Nevertheless, this had never lessen our intimacy whenever we met in sg.

I moved to Tokyo for work after I finished my studies in Sydney. During the second year of my stay in Tokyo, I decided to write him an email to discuss our future. I wrote to say that if we were to remain at the current stage, our life would be parallel and would never cross at any point. I asked him if he would want to plan with me a time in future where both of us could move back to sg and build a fruitful relationship. The email was sent but I had not received any reply from him for the next three months. I was rather disappointed and lost confident in our relationship. After much thought I wrote him a second email to talk about the same thing. The result was the same and I still didn't hear from him. I vaguely remember that there was again a third similar email sent to him on the same subject and with the same outcome. I lost hope completely and the subject was dropped totally from my mind.

After nearly 3 years of stay in Tokyo, I decided to move back to sg after half a year of serious thinking. The decision wasn't easy as I was enjoying a well paid job with good exposure and colorful lifestyle at that time. The rationale to come back was because I desired to settle down with someone here. In Tokyo, I still didn't have strong belonging there.

After I came back not long, Y scheduled his holiday visit to sg. This time he was a bit strange. I sensed that he was also thinking seriously of moving back to sg for some reasons. And, it was rather obvious that he desired me to ask him to move back to sg. He told me casually about his thinking to move back. He insisted that I went to source for an apartment with him at the time. He hinted that I had to like it as we might stay there together. I refused to view the apartment with him indicating to him clearly that he had to make his choice of moving back to sg himself. I actually also intentionally explained to him my long struggled in deciding to come back. I hinted to him that I couldn't be the reason for him to return. In retrospect, there were three reasons to my action. Firstly, he told me that he had just been promoted to the post of regional director in his company. He was working at a top 4 advertising firm in New York. I felt burden to ask him to forgo this good opportunity cost to come back for me. Secondly, I had just struggled to reach the decision, I knew clearly that this had to be made by himself. Lastly and most importantly, I think the three unanswered emails were at work then. There was an overwhelming question mark in my mind on the unanswered emails.

He left sg without any decision being made. On the day right after his departure for New York, I received a call from YP shouting and accusing me why I let Y left sg with sadness. He was angry that I didn't ask him to come back to sg. I didn't explain my position as there was history that only Y and I could understand. Y didn't decide to move back to sg and I didn't ask him further anymore. I got attached with my ex first and subsequently Y got attached with an American in NY a year later. We still meet in sg very closely when Y come back each year for home visit.

I recounted the history and confronted Y directly about the three unanswered emails that night in his hotel. I jokingly told him that if he would have answered the email, we might be happily living in sg together now. More importantly, my ex would not be in the picture and I would not be in depression now. He was quite sad after hearing the story and he claimed that he didn't receive the three emails at all. He asked why I didn't check with him directly the following year we met in sg. I told him that I couldn't as I had lost confidence and hope after I had mustered all courage on the three attempts and failed completely. He was silent and slept on my shoulder. Some 10 minutes passed, he suddenly murmured to me in dreaming voice saying "please don't cry, don't cry anymore." I was very touched at that moment on his concern to me. I asked him directly if he really liked me at the time. He gave an shy but affirmative answer.

He left the next day after his meeting for HK. I received a call from him asking for my address in SH. He said that he had bought me a jacket and wanted to DHL to me. I was a bit surprised and told him that it was not necessary. He insisted as he had already bought the jacket. I thanked him and gave him my address in SH. DHL called fast the second day to inform me on the procedure to claim the jacket. China custom required me to pay 20% custom tax before the jacket could be released to me. I was shocked when I knew the price of the jacket. It was too expensive a gift from Y. I am not too sure if this was the gift to show his apology for the unanswered emails.

I am very happy that I have made a closure on a mystery long in my heart between Y and me. I think Y and I are a very close kin to each other now after ten years of relation. We were fated to fall in love with each other and enjoyed our moment together very much, however, we had incomplete fate that forbid us to go further.

First session of psychotherapy

Finally, I mustered all my courage to visit a psychologist yesterday. The therapist concluded that the part of my brain that control the emotion and feeling has hurt and suffered great pain from all my recent experiences. The pain is overwhelming and it is affecting the part of my brain that manage logical thinking. Therefore, I am experiencing all signs of depression.

The therapist suggested medication and therapy concurrently as a recovery plan. I rejected the medication part as I still hope to manage the situation out of my will. I confirmed all my rationale with the therapist on all the recent experiences and actions. I am not too sure if I should be happy or sad as the therapist concurred with all my analysis of the situation. The therapist also didn't object to anything I did and didn't think I subconsciously dramatize the experience. The therapist suggested that he would first work with me on managing the present situation, then would proceed to work on early childhood experience to uproot the problems at a later stage.

The first session of therapy confirmed my pain is real.

Enjoying the torture of depression

I woke up a day without good sleep. Mood was ok and I was able to take a bun before I went to work. After the morning meeting, I rushed out to settle utility payments. Along the way, I felt difficulty in breathing, an urge to shout and cry. I ignored the feeling and breathed heavily to release stress. I continued to run my errand till lunch. There was no appetite for food at all. I skipped lunch and headed back to office for meetings again. Meeting stretched to 4pm and mood swing visited the second time of the day. I endured till 5pm and decided to leave office earlier. I went back home straight as I was already quite exhausted from insufficient sleep and a day of work. The mood remained with me for the evening and I had no appetite to eat at all. I was very hungry, could only take water as dinner for the night. I also couldn't do much the night then I decided to end the day early to escape from suffering.

Mood swing would visit me 3-4 times a day since then. I befriended with him and observed the feelings in pain. The pattern varied from bad to worst. I woke up in the morning feeling difficulty in breathing everyday now. My chest was heavy and my heart was crunching. I needed to breathe heavily more and more to release the stress. Good night sleep was far away from me now. I could only take a short nap here and there. The stress finally resulted into panic attack yesterday.

I experienced the first attack when I was waiting for a friend in a shopping centre. I felt a tinging sensation ran all over my body. I felt myself shivering lightly. I didn't know what was it at first, but I came to term with it after few occurrences. Phobia also decided to join the fun and visited me often now.

I have to entertain all these "good friends" very often nowadays. I try to talk to them patiently and enjoy the suffering they bring onto me. I only have a wish to them. They can come and go anytime as they like in a day, but I hope they will not affect any part of my body system. I will not have energy to host them if any part of my body system is giving way.

The earth is still rotating and life is still moving on. Day in, day out, I am having great fun with all my "good friends".

I am the boat vs Throwing stones into the pond

A follower of zen practice encountered problems in life. He approached his master hoping to find a way to get rid of his agony. The follower was pouring his problems out of his heart to his master at a beach. His master listened casually while watching the boats in the sea gliding to and flo. After an hour of heart pouring, the follower asked the master for a solution to liberate him from his suffering. The master seemed oblivious of the follower's request and pointed to the boat and said "the boats are moving so fast and hardly can stop easily."

The follower was puzzled on why his master didn't address his question. Thinking that his master might not understand his problem, the follower did another hour of heart pouring again. He asked the second time for a solution to his problem. The zen master, still at his calm and peaceful composure, pointed to the boat and repeated to the follower "the boats are moving so fast and hardly can stop easily." The master then walked away, left behind the follower there in total confusion.

After a period of time, the follower met the master in the beach again. The master casually asked the follower what was the progress of his problem solving. The follower lied on the beach and acted himself like a boat. The master smiled at the follower contently and the follower was back again to the stage of calm and peace in life.

I am struggling now whether to be the boat once again. I am using different way to approach my problem this time. I am actually throwing stones, big and small, one and many, into the pond to stir myself up in order to see the real problems buried deep inside. I have tried the boat way all along but could only obtain temporary relief of suffering. I think I may have practised wrongly. However, I am all tired about the dramatic consequences of throwing stones at this stage, I am so tempting to be the boat once again.

The road less traveled (I) - Discipline

Life is basically a series a problems. Therefore, life is difficult because it is painful to go through the process of confronting and solving problems in life. Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life's problems. There are four techniques associated to discipline, namely, delaying of gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing. (summary from The road less traveled, section I by Scott Peck)

I suspect my persistent problem in life is very much due to lacking of discipline. I don't think I am an ill-discipline person, but I think my current level of discipline is far from able to uproot my problems. I am a 5 mins person. My discipline can only work very well for the first 5 mins. Just like the current situation, I think I disciplined myself well in managing the healing process since my break off with my ex. But now, I am feeling very much exhausted and getting relax each day. Consequently, I see my problem is heading out of track each day.

Out of the four techniques associated to discipline, I manage half quite well and the other half is still very much in the process of improving.

I was quite a prolific reader during my primary and secondary school time. A large amount of books I read were about individual struggling much through life to obtain ultimate happiness, eg: “汪洋中的一条船”，“孤儿历险记”，“苦儿流浪记”, etc. I think the theme was somehow the main morale of that era. While I was engrossing with all the stories, I developed subconsciously in me that life had to run on a tough ground first before happiness would follow. Therefore, I practice naturally delaying of gratification. But I am not too sure if I am over doing it that I forbid gratification entering my life.

I am basically a neurotic. When I am in conflict with the world, I always automatically assume that I am at fault. When things got clear with my ex, I didn't see it that it was his fault entirely. Most of the time, I actually attributed the fault to myself as I didn't have sufficient love to help him to grow. I always assume responsibility on problems in my life. I think this is also because I am a buddhist. Buddhism teaches strongly that one has to be responsible to solve own problem.

The two aspects I am doing quite badly are dedication to truth and balancing. I am not too sure if it is because the previous two factors that shield me from properly executing these two techniques. I always assume too much fault on my side that I hardly want to attribute the wrong to the other party in conflict. I maybe aware of the truth but my strong belief that I am at fault and should shoulder the responsibility to handle the situation always muddle the truth.

This was most obvious when I was handling my break off with my ex. I assumed that it was mostly my fault that I didn't help him much in our two years together. On top of that, I was the one who initiated the break off, so I had to ensure that he could manage and went through the process smoothly and easily. I masked off all my feeling initially to help him through, at the same time, I muddled lots of reality that resulted in lots of confusion in myself later. I am still very much in the process of sorting thing out myself I think.

I guess this also got to do with technique on balancing. Scott indicated in his book that a free person must assume total responsibility for his own problem, but in doing so must also possess the capacity to reject responsibility that is not truly his. I think I fail in this completely. I am never good in balancing, both physically and mentally. I am not too sure if the two have connection. I had ever tried very hard to improve my capability in balancing physically in hope that this would indirectly help balancing mentally. I tried standing on one leg, learning ice-skating, etc. Somehow, this is still the weakest spot of me in life.

Confrontation (I) - My flyaway-love

I decided I wanted to take the confrontation route to all my problems. I hope I can grow by taking a different way from my usual self. On the next level, I believe I will see the truth and reality of situation. I hope this will facilitate more accurate problem solving.

I proceeded to my stage 1 of self-therapy by making a dinner appointment with my ex on the night I was back to sg. I supposed to pick him up from his work after 8pm as what we had normally do when we were together. I texted him to confirm when I landed in sg, but the reply only came an hour late after to change the timing and pick up location. He had forgotten that it was his off day so our dinner appointment had brought forward an hour.

I picked him up at 630pm at his place. He was still as "pretty" and charming to me. I decided to go to our usual dinning place for yong tau fu. He chatted animatedly about his job and his life. When we were about to reach the eating place, his call rang and he answered it. I could tell from the conversation that he was talking to someone he was very interested in. A jealousy rose in me and I felt very uneasy. I casually asked if he was talking to his date, but he answered that they were just friends in good term. I further inquired about his status and he said that he was still single but multi dating a few people with no intention to get attached at the moment. We proceeded to dinner, everything seemed the same. We continued chatting about each other routine.

I needed to buy a Christmas present for a friend and I asked him to go along to help to pick one. On the way to the shopping mall, we talked about our relationship. He was cleared that he wanted to be single and he was enjoying his multi-dating lifestyle currently. He didn't want any commitment and he didn't want to be committed now. I specifically asked him if he was ready to come back to me as what I had promised him before to take him back whenever he was ready. He said he didn't want to hurt me again and he had no confidence that he could be committed. He was happy with his life now and he would leave thing to fate about what would happen between us.

I have this bad trait that I like to confirm thing to every detail by different way of interrogation. The near official answers from him just weren't good enough to fulfill my purpose of getting the reality of situation. I persisted further to examine him just like a legal counsel interrogating a plainttiff in court, but with very much gentle touch. He knew me too well and he knew also that he could get frank with me on everything. This was the mere positive outcome from our two years relationship.

I understand his feeling and situation exactly now. I am a very slow respondent. After I know the outcome of a situation each time, my natural response is always like "hmmm... this is logical". I will consciously suppress all feeling associated to the outcome. I always require a few days the minimum up till sometimes a few months for me to really know the exact repercussion. On the surface, it's logical again to me that he is "he" right now. And this "he" is someone not familiar to me anymore and very far away from me now. The only familiar thing that remained the same in him is still the problem that cost our relationship.

It was not easy, and I felt turbulent inside me. I could only try to ignore. I returned home feeling deteriorating, lying down on the bed with a blank mind. I couldn't sleep till 2am then I finally decided to resort to the help of sleeping pills. I popped a strong does of lexotan enough to knock me down right away, temporary free of problems and troubles.

I am still not too sure now what will be the real effect of this confrontation, though I believe I have the realization of the truth situation now. In a way, I am happy to see him sorted out our relationship problem and living happily now as per his will. I guess the problem is in me now that I should move on and I yearn to see myself able to reach the stage too.

Mulfunctional healing plan....

I really tried many ways to get myself up.

- I first tried to stop crying. Declare to myself never cry again till my last day in this world. I believe this develops some kind of discipline in me.
- I then tried reading, focus reading to divert my attention and build my concentration.
- I also tried meditation to get calmness and quietness.
- I talked to many friends this time round rather extensively. I had never in my life tried to solve my problem so extensively.
- I tried to engage help from councellor, psychologist.
- I continued my exercise regime, including jogging, stretching, swimming to maintain my fitness.
- I decided to confront all the things I used to escape/avoid. I thought I needed a different way to manage myself.
- I applied rationale thinking to get hold of myself
- I listened to light music as usual.
- I worked on different things to divert myself.
- I tried to smile, laugh and be happy.
- I tried to write down all my feelings for myself to have a better understanding of my emotion and feeling
- I chanted amitabha buddha many times when I was down.
- I consciously observed my feeling when I was down.

I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried all ways that I could get hold.

I am exhausted and still the same at point zero now.

What did I do wrong?

Will I kill myself?

My friend was so kind to give me a contact of a counsellor to talk to. He asked if I have suicidal thought at that moment. I told him I am so tired then that I could not even think of whether I want to end of life. My thought then was to let thing happened its way. If I had to end of life, so be it.

I am a little worry, but only a little, that I will actually end my own life myself. I don't like to kill myself. But, I think of killing myself while driving fast along high way; flying down from high floor; taking sleeping pills and not wake up again, etc. These are not good thoughts. I am trying many ways to stop the thoughts but in vain so far. I thought of if I can pull through this, I will be happy forever; I will be stronger than ever; I will be more fulfilling. But somehow things still doesn't go the positive way.

So now I have to try again. I remember my friend GT told me that if a person says he wants to suicide, he will never commit suicide. So now I want to say it loud that I want to commit suicide. I WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

Am I hearing this?? I hope I will hear this inside me, outside me, every part of me. So if every part of me now knows that I am killing myself, something inside me should trigger rationale thinking if unfortunate thing has to happen.

Will I kill myself? I am not sure really. A part of me shouting loud that I don't want to die; A part of me is already giving up bit by bit.

Why my life has to be so interesting cum colorful. I actually prefer a more simple life.

I am so exhausted.

I miss you, my very type

Call this infatuation
I don't want to deny

Will this a long lasting one
I haven't got a clue

I just feel my love is compelling now
I just miss you every second

I know you are not happy now
I can't do much as an interested party

I feel so sad when I see sadness twinkling in your eyes
I choose to be silent if this is not for me to know

You are the dearest in the world
I hope he will soon realize and treasure you more again

This by no means is good for me
I can't help it but to accept that we know each other too late

As long as you are happy
I don't have to be with you

This is your trying time
I believe you are strong to pull through

I hope I can help you through
My situation only allows me to bless you from afar

I am flying in an hour time
I will take myself away but leave my love behind for you

I hope the love can be the source of energy to calm yourself
You can be smiling again as what you deserve to be

Putting a relationship to a test with self-fish motive

R is a well known gentleman and well-like by many friends. I like to talk to R as he is matured in thinking. I like to share life experiences with matured individual as I believe this is a way to improve. I always bound off ideas with R. This time we talked about his relationship.

R is in his new job for about 6 months now. The new job requires him to fly very often. I fly once a month to SH for about 2-3 weeks. He flies too but with a different pattern. He flies almost every week to every corner in the world, normally for less than a week. I don't like my schedule as it's hard for me to maintain a relationship. This is bad as I will never complete my life formula. This means I will not be happy.

R theoretically is in a long distant relationship now. He hardly gets to see his bf with his flying schedule. He is a bit worried now but still enjoying the flying routine. Actually, he has a not so smooth sailing relationship too. Can't really remember R has been attached for how long, but I remember R has been insecure since a year ago. R has many reasons to be insecure. His bf is 12 years his junior. His bf is still playful. His bf has ever said to him that he might not be committed. Worst of the lot, his bf has committed a common mistake just like any gay's bf will commit in a relationship - betrayal.

I always think that R has an eccentric relationship, at least eccentric in my own definition for a happy relationship. Almost all the relationship requires communication as a key function I think. R doesn't require communication in his own relationship. He knows that there is no communication between his bf and him due to differences in age and background, but R is still very enjoying the feeling staying with his bf. He doesn't require communication to stay with someone he loves. He can be contented with someone he loves merely staying by his side without conversation. He just feels happy doing his things with someone he loves besides him doing his own thing. This mere happy feeling completes his love equation.

R is still happy with his bf besides him but he feels insecure after his bf betrayed him. I think he wants to end the relationship as open relationship is not a function in his life equation. When he got the new job that required flying frequently, he was not upset , contrarily, he had an idea. He decided to put his relationship to a test.

They have been staying together for a good few years after attached not long. His bf has been wanting to move out quoting a few different reasons for a while. R has been trying to convince his bf to stay, but this times he asks his bf to move out voluntarily. He allows his bf to move out as he thinks that his bf will not be committed with him traveling so frequently. If his bf betrays again, then the test will fail and R will have a good reason to break off with his bf. This is also the best way to separate as they can be drifted apart slowly by not staying together. The feeling will be easier to manage comparing to immediate breaking off with someone. If his bf passes the test, he will gain confidence with his bf and they can be happily together. If his bf fails the test, they will break off with a good reason and less misery. R is serious about putting his relationship to the test now as they have already agreed on a date for his bf to move out.

"huh!! You called this a test??", I shouted back to R this time round just as he shouted at me earlier on when discussing my very type. I also give a summary to him this time round just like what he did on me merely a few minutes a go.

- This is a self-fish way of breaking off with someone you love
- You want a break off because you are insecure
- You can't break off because you still love your bf and can't bear the pain
- You need a way to break off with a good reason and less pain
- But, the good reason requires your bf to betray you and makes your love one the bad guy
- This is not a test, but a self-fish way to break off

I stared hard at R with eye wide this time, but still can't compare with him staring at me earlier on as my eye is not as big as his.

Walking on thin ice

After 5 days of torment, I decided to take back my word completely. I decided I shouldn't escape anymore, I decided I should confront the situation "bravely", I decided I should continue seeing my very type, I decided I should try to stay as a friend with my very type.

I SMS and asked for a talk. He was worried that if I was alright. I could do nothing else but to "haha" all the way. I had no intention to burden him with my problem. I explained to him my decision to remain as a friend. He seems happy and our exchanges of SMS go incessant again. We meet, we chat, we laugh, we talk. Everything goes so well except he can't be my bf.

I met Ray last night. Ray is someone I can discuss thing with because of his maturity. He basically summarized my situation :

- H has no loss in either ways. Either stay with his bf or go with me
- I should still stay with H as a friend, but continue to see others
- I have to be self-restraint with my feeling for H
- I have the possibility of getting hurt

I told Ray that it could be difficult. I relayed the story of '杨不悔‘ from 倚天屠龙 to him. I have the character of 杨不悔. It is very difficult to be replaced if I see something I want. I will want it whole-heartedly. H is such a person in my life. I don't think I will be easily divert by others. I am also no confidence that my self-restraint will be in proper operation.

Ray stared at me with eye wide, it is really very wide given that he has quite a big eye, and shouted at me, "You know you will get hurt!!" I was speechless. I just know that this is the decision I made. I made the decision to see H again, I made the decision to try to stay as a friend with H, I made the decision to walk on thin ice.

backup Blog

Han wrote to me saying blogger is blocked in China. I have therefore created a backup blog at http://healingsg.livejournal.com/. Will be flying to SH again tomorrow. If this proves to be true, I may then migrate this blog permanently to livejournal.

My ideal life

I am a hopeless devoter of relationship. I don't think my life can be complete without a relationship. More importantly, I found relationship a major stabilizing factor to balance my life. To me, the following is basically the formula of my life now:

Happiness = f(Relationship)

I wasn't like that long time ago, not when I was still hiding in closet, not when I just stepped out of closet. Gay relationship was an unknown to me. I didn't know what to expect at the time for gay relationship. My definition of gay life was limited to guy likes guy, gay friend, gay sex. I didn't know two persons of the same sex could live happily together as a couple. I didn't know two persons of the same sex could pursue life together happily.

I still remember I was approached quite a few times to get attached when I just came out of closet. Not that I was the dead gorgeous type, but I thought it was because I was new to the scene. I rejected all the offers for the mere reason that I had no idea at all what gay relationship was. I was happy enough then to know many new gay friends, to be able to talk freely with them what supposedly was viewed as taboo to others. My initial gay life was joyful without any knowledge of gay relationship.

My first date planted the idea of gay relationship to me. It was analogous to adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit. A sin was created and unhappiness was snapped into my life since then. I bear the torment of the 'original sin' since then. I don't know whether I should regret taking the option, but I know my life has been defined in the above formula now.

I have accepted this as a fact in my life and build the concept of my ideal life based on this primary principle.

- To have a happy and committed relationship with someone I love
- To build a home for ourselves
- To look after both our kins
- To work on own business
- To adopt and provide for a child
- To contribute back to society
- To live happily ever and forever with my love one

Am I asking too much?

A friend in indeed - WL and Han

Though I have achieved thus far with no success in my love relationship, I am proud to score flying color on the friendship with WL and Han. We crossed our path in JC days.

Han was an intelligent lovely girl who was our class representative at the time. She impressed me during our first more intimate conversation in the school library. We were having free period in between lessons and some of us were in the library to do self reading. I saw her walking here and there without real purpose, so I caught her for a conversation. As the school had just started and we just got acquainted with each other not long, so naturally our talk revolved around choice of JC.

"hmm.. so how did you do in your "O"?", I posed the question everyone were to ask at that time.

"5 A1 lo...", She answered unconcernedly while looking around on the passers by as if it was not her own glory. At our time, 7 A1 on "O" was the max and there were not many people who scored it. 5 A1 was the score one could go anywhere you like.

"huh??", I stared at her in amaze with mouth big big.

"Why on earth you are here for??", I shouted at her uncontrollably. "I thought you should go HW or National?" Those were the two top JC at our time.

"oh... I went HW in the first three months but I thought the students there were all too studious. I prefer a more relax environment." She explained causally. "How about yourself?", She poked back the question to me casually.

"hmm........ ", It was too shameful to mention my result in front of her though my result was actually quite good comparing to our batch in the JC.

WL, a quiet studious type of person, should fit into the image of HW and National. We both actually had just enough point to get into National, but were rejected because of our EL2 result. Not too sure if it was this sympathetic situation that triggered our close friendship since JC days.

I don't think any of our friends has ever encountered WL throwing tantrum. I had only entitled a privilege in my whole association with him to witness his tearing. WL has always sweet and gentle disposition. I was taken aback by his response when we were discussing his choice to stay in sg with his parents or moved to London to be with his bf there. The decision was most likely the most difficult one he made in his entire life till now. I could understand how tormented he was at the time.

WL and Han share a common interest. They both have serious weakness for C & E American man. It would be too rude for me to put the words in full as a bosom friend of theirs. Han is now helping out her hubby's business joyfully in SH and WL is staying lovely with his bf in London. And, I am the forever failure with relationship in this trio. The two have stayed with me through thick and thin and pull me through many toughs in my life.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I can never ask for more from WL and Han.

The starting of this blog - Thanks to SGBoy

My friend mentioned to me about SGBoy's blog a few times before. I was not a big fan in blog reading and didn't really pay any attention to it. My friend again emailed me the link to SGBoy's blog last week while I was in high anxiety. In need of doing something to re-gain my composure I started reading the blog. I was surprised at the open and direct expression of feeling in the blog. I thought it might be a good idea to help healing through this kind of writing. I opened this blog in no times.

I then wrote an email to SGBoy thanking him on inspiring me to start this blog and appended the blog link. The next day I was a bit surprised as he recommended my blog in his writing. My intention of setting up this blog is to walk the path of healing and improving and less on publishing for others to read, especially those were mentioned in the writing. This I thought might deter me from writing more openly if I knew someone I wrote about would be reading it.

My friend was a diligent follower of SGBoy's blog and he immediately recognized me as the writer of this blog after reading following SGBoy's recommendation. It was funny to confront the character of my writing face to face the first time. This process somehow triggered a more deeper understanding of my own feeling. It was really a good learning for me.

I had also received a note from SGBoy encouraging me to stay strong at this trying time on the same day. Really like to thank SGBoy's for everything so far.

Warnings & Precautions for Neurontin

This man on drug decided to reduce his drug intake daily as he felt his body had no more patience for all the side effects. The mouth inflammation is much improved now though taking hard food is still unbearable. Therefore, it was a natural decision that antibiotic Amocla was the first drug to be removed. I had been taking Amocla for the past 8 days and GP had also instructed that I could stop it if condition improved. Controloc and Salofaik are more safer and necessary with less side effects. My second desired target was Neurontin as it had the most side effects on me.

I talked to my Physiotherapist on two occasions about my condition and the drug last week. He also has the opinion that it may not be too necessary for me to continue Neurontin. So I stopped taking the drug since Friday. The obvious immediate effect is having difficulty in sleep. I slept only 4 hours each for the past two nights even though I was very tired. I noted my mood swing was also dramatic the past 2 days and thought this might due to the stress I had until I read the warnings information for Neurontin in the Net. It is advised that Neurontin to be discontinued gradually. I suspected the dramatic mood swing was due to the abrupt stop of the drug. I guess I will take Neurontin tonight to get better sleep and discuss with my GP again on the best way to discontinue the drug during the medical review tomorrow.

人不为己，天殊地灭

T & A brought me to dinner at a new club in Sentosa called 15 degree. Noting that I was down, A tried to console me with all means. We talked about coming out to parents, old friends in the circle, closeted friends, issues in the circle, etc, etc. My mood was obviously not easily been lifted under the current level of fatigue from both physically and mental exertion. A went a bit high spirited determined to convince me that life was full of brightness. The above statement was suddenly burst out in order to spike up my life. He further explained that this was best way to protect oneself from getting hurt.

I appreciated his effort to motivate me the whole night, but this strong statement was a bit disturbing to me as it was the exact echo after my ex's belief. My ex had been through quite a difficult time with a few earlier relationships, therefore he finally arrived at the above conclusion for his life motto. I had been trying to prove and convince him otherwise while we were together, but I guess I didn't have sufficient virtue in me to change this ingrained belief of him. Nevertheless, I still tried my best to lead and show him that there was a better alternative till the last day when I was with him. I hope he has brought back something useful and positive for his future life. I will then feel better as the relationship at least has benefited him a bit.

My first Valentine - A lost date

I am not too sure if twenty years of age gap is a problem to a relationship, but I did encounter a failed attempt when twenty years of difference was coupled by tremendous differences in background.

De was a lovely boy 20 years my junior. I didn't think he could be so young when I first met him although he looked actually that young. A bit of contradiction here, but this is how I felt then. He was the first date after I returned to sg from a 3 years stay in jp in 2003. I decided to quit my job in jp because I desired to get settled down in sg. It was a Valentine day 2 weeks after we dated. I was so excited as De would be the first Valentine in my life. Coincidentally, my shifu had just renovated an apartment close to Newton circle and he decided generously to lent it to me for a night to celebrate my first Valentine. We had a romantic night together with a valentine cake of a mushroom shape.

Thereafter, we dated for another two months and he was ready to get attached to me. De was a real good boy with simple and pleasant disposition. We got along well but somehow there was still a difficulty in communication due to differences in background. My feeling was good with him but I felt it would still be quite a bit away from being a couple. I explained to him my feeling and suggested we should stay as friends. He was nice and didn't pursue further. We were friends since then and got together for chat and karaoka occasionally.

My ex was rather insecure with my friendship with De soon after we got attached. I introduced them one day at De's work place when we were shopping at Paragon. They didn't seem to see eye to eye on each other. A mere polite nod was the only interaction they exchanged. I had also made quite an effort to convince my ex of my pure friendship with De.

I met up with De one day to watch Spiderman III after I broke off with my ex. We were sitting at a cafe chatting before the show commenced. De looked extremely bright and active on that day. He suddenly posed a question to me asking why I wanted to get attached with my ex. While I was fumbling with word to answer, he continued commenting jubilantly that my ex had a funny face with thick eyebrow. I looked at him amusingly and told him that my ex would be very upset if he were to hear that. My ex had always been very confident of his look and had always attracted attentions.

De sms me one day to inquire if he could be my bf when I was in SH. I was touched that he was still thinking of me after a good 4 year . I replied him that we would talk after I returned to sg. I had a real thought about the issue, but the rationale not to get attached with De was still very much valid in me. We talked when I got back from SH and I again suggested we better remained as friends. He was quite disappointed this time but again he didn't pursue further.

We hardly met thereafter as I needed to travel quite often now. I received his SMS again one day when I was in SH asking me if I was in sg. I told him that I would be returning 2 weeks later and he didn't reply. I tried to contact him after when I was back in town but somehow his hp was always in off mode. I tried looking for him at his work place also but couldn't get him in sight. I am real worry about how he is doing now, but I think I may just lose him completely.

Unmanageable situation - Man on drugs

"hmm.. What is your view on ONS?".

I was frequently being asked the question by new acquaintance when I was just out of closet in 1996. At the time, ONS was still very much a taboo. If you dared utter that you could accept ONS, you would be instantly labelled as a slut in no time by the community. Over the last ten years, sg gay culture went through quite a major change, from conservative attitude in sex to readily acceptance of open relationship. I am not too sure if this is the consequence of the active suana scene here since the last five years. So naturally, the response to the question has pretty much changed nowadays.

"hmm.. I don't think I can ever accept ONS in my life."

This standard model answer ten years ago will definitely fetch a negative response now. One will be immediately perceived as hypocrite, pretentious and not realistic. " To be open in sex is only the choice of individual" is very much a common belief now. There should not be an issue as long as an individual is happy with it in his life. I saw the culture developed recently further into much open attitude in sex in many ways. Going on futher, I also noted that entertainment drugs have also somehow parallely infiltrated into the culture together with the development. This situation doesn't seem to be exclusive in sg, but also prevail in Taiwan, China, etc. I am not too sure if the situation is unamanageable now in sg, but I do know that my drug situation recently goes unmanageable. Though I am refering to different category of drugs.

I have been suffering from neck and shoulder injury due to excessive tennis game since Jan this year. The collapse of the injury did not come accidentally. It was the result of constant cycle of injured, recoverd, tennis, injured, recover, tennis.... Tennis is indeed an additive game. And, tennis player is prompt to injury without sufficient warm up before the game. I think this is because the game requires high power to manage the racket and ball. I have got myself to blame as I was not a firm believer of warm up exercise prior to a game. I realised it too late and I am paying for it with high cost as the last relapse of injury not only deprives me the joy of playing tennis till now, but also upset my body system with persistent pain.

I have been constantly searching for medical helps from GP to orthopaedic, physiotherapy, tui-na, acupuncture from sg sports medicine to Mt E specialist, Gleneagles specialist. I have also undergone many x-rays, MRI, etc. The worst of the lot is the incessant input of drug into my body system.

Unbearable pain occured again 2 months ago and I was determined to get this out of my system this time. My GP made a strong recommendation on this specialist at Gleneagles. This was the third specialist whom I have consulted. I went to consult him hopefully and was put on a new drug called Lyrica for almost a month after he took a casual glance at me. The drug caused me dizziness for the whole duration. I even slept half way through the meeting at work. The condition didn't improve much and I was prescribed with Arcoxia 120mg (day) and Nuerontin 300mg (night) for another 3 weeks.

My body is long due for change lately I think. Not only suffering from problem of physical pain, but I also have problem with my stomach for colities and chronic gastritis. So naturally, I am under drug to manage the situation currently with Controloc 40mg in the morning and Salofalk 500mg twic a day. I have become a man on drugs unknowingly.

I had been taking 4 rather strong drugs for about 3 weeks and my body finally went haywired. I got an urgy 2cm dia blister developed on top of mouth hole while I was taking my dinner with J one night. The pain was so sharp that I had to broke the blister. My condition went unmanageable since then. I developed bad inflammation in my mouth that caused even swallowing water a tough challenge for me. My GP instructed me to stop Arcoxia immediately after much negotiation with the specialist. And not much better after that either as I have been immediately put on a strong antibiotic Amocla 625mg twice a day since then.

The past 7 days or so, my life was drugs, fluid food with hunger, sleeping in the meeting, constant fight with great pain that I have not encoutered in my life before. Much to my surprise, I still have energy to deal with my very type H and indulging in failed relationship. What a colorful life I have!

I am in a much depressed mode now I think, trying to stay afloat with both mental and physical pains. However, I have a strong belief that one will grow faster in a difficult situation. I am trying to separate my rationale self from the suffering entity in hope that I can still hold a firm grip on the total me.

Not too sure how this will progress next, but I have to still declare that the situation is in red and unmanageable.

I look at my life progression interestingly.....

Love in rebound - A boy I missed

It was so difficult when my ex finally admitted all the lies and betrayal. History repeated itself again. However, this time was much too serious as C was someone I really cared and wanted to live my life forever with. I was told that a new relationship was the best way to get out of the old one. So, I decided to take the advice since I was too much hurt and lost grip of myself.

Just 2 weeks after I broke off with my ex in Jun 07, I came to know Jo from Trevvy, a 28 year old boy from Malaysia working as a graphic designer in sg. We MSN to understand each other quite a bit before we chatted on the phone. I started traveling to SH quite often then and we chatted every night when I was there. He was detailed, confirming everything he wanted to know from interests, hobbies, views on relationship, characters, behaviours, etc. At the end of the second week of our phone chat, he finally decided that he would quit the guy he was dating in sg for a while and get attached with me. That was fast but I was most delighted as he looked my type on the photo and we could talk. Most importantly, I hoped the theory would work and I could get out of my agony. He had already been looking forward to my returning a week later.

We met after 2.5 weeks of remote communication. I landed in sg on a Friday night, rushed back home, washed and changed, then headed straight to his house, only five minutes drive from my place. He was sitting on a bench at his void deck waiting to receive me. Wow, a young and cute boy. He looked much younger than his age and could easily pass off as a secondary school boy if he was wearing a school uniform. He was shy and didn't dare to look me into my eye while talking the whole night. Although he was at the age of 28, I was happy that he was a boy of principle and he knew exactly what he wanted in his life. The important trait that upset my previous relationship. He was so lovely and I was already been treated like a beloved bf with an delicious chicken soup he specially prepared and an office shirt as a gift. We talked a lot and he even started planning for our future.

So much about the joy in meeting him that night. Though I was completely satisfied in all aspects to take him as my bf, I was secretly and swiftly swept by a turbulence within me. I later realized that it was the rebound love in action. He had a trip the next day with his family to BKK and we agreed to meet again after his turn.

On the day of his departure, I met up with my ex to settle the unsettled issues. My ex was still not prepared to break off at the time. I really loved him so much and I actually still love him as much now. When I was in SH and chatted with Jo the past 3 weeks, I thought I could manage to let go of him already. When I got to meet my ex again, the love between us just ran beyond my control, forgiving all the lies, all the betrayal that were hurting me so much. I wanted to give him opportunity, I found ways to help him realized the seriousness of his course of actions, I tried my means to give him confidence to gain back the relationship. I had exhausted all the means to justify the relationship worthy of a second try. However, my effort was all in vain and I couldn't find a slight point to even convince myself to stay with him further.

Though I was convinced that it's already an impossible for my ex to return, I still couldn't get myself out of the relationship. This state of mine was further muddling with the feeling on Jo. I was ridiculous but I just felt that I was stepping on two boats. I fight day and night hard with the two feelings in me. I was quite exhausted and in a total confused state so I turned cold to Jo, didn't keep close contact with him when he was in BKK. He sensed it in a conversation when he especially called to greet me good night from BKK. He finally managed to confront me on the situation after he returned on the phone. I was not in the state to provide adequate explanation to his query and I just managed to tell him that I needed more time to sort out my problem with my ex. He suddenly threw me a question asking if I love him or my ex more. Wow. what a question at a time like this? I told him frankly that he shouldn't compare at this stage as I had been lovely together with my ex for past 2 years and I just knew him for 3 weeks. I could detect that Jo was quite disappointed but he didn't pursue further. I stopped all communication with Jo thereafter thinking that it wouldn't be fair for me to go along with him like that if I didn't sort out my feeling properly on my ex. The decision was not easy as I had already an realization that I might loss Jo forever.

It was not untill 2 months later that I found myself more firm with my position and feeling. I called Jo a night when I was in SH, thinking that it was time I should explain to him what was going on. He accepted the explanation but thing was too late as expected. He was already attached with a new found bf. He told me that he thought he was not my type. I could only wish him all the best with his new found love. I tried to keep Jo as a friend after that, but I think he was not so keen. After a few efforts, I gave up and left thing to fate.

On love rebound, I missed a boy who might be my life partner.

My very Type - You are just irresistable to me!!

I have an idea type of lover/partner in my life, but I have never ever dream that I would come across him in this life.

Just 2-3 weeks ago, I thought I was finally liberated from my failed relationship. I lived blissfully day by day for a while, so I declared happily to Han that I finally returned to my normal self after 7 months.

I started posting ads to know people on the net and there were few interested candidates. The last time I came back to sg, I started meeting my new friends. While I thought I could rekindle my love to search for a new relationship, I felt something weird growing within me. I tried ignoring it and thought it might be just a minor phase to go. I continued my dating. Don just couldn't make it, he simply not my type. We just remain as friend now. J is a 25 year old young boy standing at 1.83m tall. Nevertheless he is quite matured at his age. He is currently doing his undergraduate studies and working as a part-time sales. We interacted quite well and he was very interested, but something was just not there. I suspected it was the weird feeling in action. We still remain dating.

I came to know another 27 year old boy A after I got back to SH the last time. A is currently pursuing MBA in NUS. We MSN and talked on the phone. He lied to me initially that he was not attached, but he was actually in a troubled relationship. The relationship finally fell through. I was there to pull him through a bit. So naturally he had good impression on me and we met up when I got back to sg this time. Conversation was smooth but something was not quite right again.

I examined hard this time and looked right into the weird feeling. My gosh, I saw the failed relationship was still sitting comfortably right in my heart. I still have urge to meet him, to call him, to rekindle the love with him. I suspected I am incapable of loving again, or as long as the failed relationship is still within me. This time I refused to allow myself to be entangled in the agony I thought I had lifted. I suppressed strongly the fear and feeling, I continued to find my date.

H appeared in my facebook last week and caught my attention immediately. I got connected with him hesitantly for a few reasons : (1) he looks rather young; (2) he has high potential to "kill" me if something go astray as he is just my very type; (3) I have no confidence that I can contend the weird feeling inside me.

The first day to meet last week was eventful. He made me waited till 11pm and canceled the dinner last minute without any reason. I was calm though as I was still very hesitant. I thought it might be fated that we shouldn't crossed each other, and safer that way to. He made the re-connection again sincerely and cheerfully. I responded accordingly and just went along with the flow as I felt the weird feeling was getting out of my hand each day. Inside me, there was a a strong hope that he could be the savior to me for not letting the weird feeling get out of control.

We finally got to meet on Monday for lunch. True as what I thought, I was completely charmed by him, his eye, his lip, his smile, his manner, his conversation, his look, his height, his energy, hie everything. My heart was pounding again!! H is a 29 year old boy working as a PR officer. Concurrently, he is managing his own business and taking a degree course part time. We chatted very well in a Japanese restaurant at City hall, then we proceeded to coffee club to continue our conversation. We talked about work, society, belief, interest, etc joyfully. I was so engrossed in his story and felt a bit surprised that we were so matching. Conversation went too well, but I knew I had an important question to ask. I picked a right interval and casually asked about his relationship. He casually answered that he was happily attached with normal problems expected from couples.

I composed myself quite well as I told myself again that this might be better as this boy has the potential to kill me if something doesn't go well. His attached status would deter anything from happening. We ended the coffee chat happily and he insisted to meet again before I returned to SH. We exchanged incessant SMS right after we parted. His invitation came fast and we met the next day for lunch again. Another fantastic lunch cum coffee session. I was completely dismantled into pieces. My defense mechanism was not in function at all. We continued SMS again after the session.

I knew something was not very right. I didn't want to be a third party. I didn't what to re-act my failed relationship with my ex in a different role. I had strong fear developed within me. I didn't know what to do and what would be installed for me. Worst of all, I didn't know if I could handle anything forthcoming. My very type H and my failed relationship C. It was just not something that I could cope at the same time at this current state of mind.

After we parted from coffee yesterday, I decided that I needed a break from work. I went to visit my grand-pa, mom, and two aunts in the temple where they "live" now. I prayed to them to give me energy to go through this... and i don't usually pray although i am a buddhist. Then I went to the main shrine of the temple to talk to Kuan-Yin Goddess, in hope that she would be compassionate on my derailed stage and bestow me energy to work through this. However, I dared not ask for a single thing, neither for H to stay with me nor for C to return faithfully to me. I dared not ask because I feared very much the disappointment came later. I gathered that I couldn't handle further disappointment again.

Follow on, I drove to CCK to meet my poor sister, who has been staying there alone for the past 2.5 years. If she would still be alive, maybe I could have one more person to help in this world. I then visited my mum's mum staying not too far away there too. The grand mom who always taught me to forget and forgive when she was alive. I stayed with grand mom for a while, wanting to gain some sense of serenity from death. I visualized that I was dead and there would not be problem from H, C, pain, suffering, agony anymore.

While I was gaining a tiny bit of energy from my round of paying respect, the SMS with H were non-stop and all sweet. But, I knew this could not carry on further. I hoped to settle this fast. He texted again to ask to meet for coffee at night. We agreed to meet after 11pm when I finished a movie preview. My heart was not on the movie at all, though it was a great hit Golden Compass. I rushed down to Bedok to pick him up and we headed to East Coast for a chat.

We chatted long along the beach about his business venture. I was amazed of his business knowledge at such a young age without any practical or educational background. I think he is a gifted business person. He analyzed and strategized with all the right frameworks that I had learned in MBA studies. I encouraged him to move forward confidently and I wanted so much that I could be there to realize his business ambition together with him. Perfect and enjoyable conversation with a bit of romance, but we both knew that something important beneath had to be settled. He admitted that if not for his status now I would be the guy he wanted to stay forever when he first saw me. I told him my feeling too. But we knew that this couldn't work as there was a third party in question. It was so very reluctant but we agreed that this should be our last meeting, for we knew clearly that we couldn't stay just as a friend when the feeling was so strong towards each other. Someone would get hurt and we didn't want anyone to get hurt. He made a last request that I should SMS one last time after I reached home safely. I agreed and text him the following:

Sorry about what I did just now. It shouldn't have happened. Please keep your promise that you will be happy forever as there is the sole reason why I can let go of you. You can still call me if you encounter any difficulty in future, but please make sure that it is a major one as you know I will rush to your side where ever I will be. Make this as the last SMS, you needn't reply. Really happy to have met you as you let me know that I still have the capability to love someone again. Good bye my love, you will always be in my heart. Hugs and muacks.

The episode should end here and I was again all exhausted. My yet-to-heal scar on my heart went all bleeding again. And I encountered a sleepless night again after barely few months. I hope this won't last for too long. My life go aimless again.

I closed all my profile in facebook, fridae, guys4men, trevvy. I erased all the recent acquaintances in my MSN listing. This is what I feel I should do, but I am all clueless about my healing plan next. Sign.... I am tearing again. so useless me...

永 远 的 师 父

我 没 有 到 过 少 林 学 艺 , 也 不 懂 得 耍 十 八 般 武 器 .
所 以 , 我 的 师 父 不 是 耒 自 武 林 .
之 所 以 称 他 为 师 父 . 是 因 为 他 引 我 入 道 – 同 志 之 道 .
转 眼 间 , 己 是 十 年 前 的 事 了 吧 !
于 日 本 工 作 时 ,
因 寂 寞 常 上 I R C 找 人 闲 聊 而 结 识 了 师父 .
师 父 一 听 说 我 还 是 一 个 躲 在 框 子 里 的 乖 小 孩 ,
马 上 胜 意 拳 拳 的 大 铺 红 毯 , 迎 我 出 框 .
还 记 得 是 9 6 年 1 0 月 份 的 时 候 ,
日 本 工 干 完 毕 回 国 后 ,
于 碧 山 中 心 第 一 次 与 师 父 会 面 ,
也 结 下 了 往 后 十 年 与 师 父 纷 纷 扰 扰 之 缘 份 .
通 过 师 父 的 管 道 , 结 识 了 许 多 同 道 之 人 ,
见 识 了 本 地 的 同 志 活 动 ,
也 一 起 到 过 曼 谷 开 广 了 对 同 志 圣 堂 的 见 闻 .
师 父 对 我 的 同 志 生 涯 是 有 深 厚 的 启 蒙 , 教 导 之 恩 的 .
所 谓 一 朝 为 师 , 终 生 为 师 .
对 师 父 的 赐 于 , 我 是 永 记 于 心 的 .

世 上 一 切 情 感 都 没 有 一 帆 风 顺 的 .
与 师 父 一 起 走 过 的 十 年 岁 月 ,
有 尽 情 的 欢 笑 , 有 固 执 的 争 吵 ,
有 不 谅 解 的 误 会 , 有 坚 难 的 悲 兮 .
十 年 后 的 今 天 , 感 情 由 浓 转 淡 ,
起 起 伏 伏 , 达 到 了 今 日 的 君 子 之 交 .
虽 没 有 以 往 的 亲 密 , 但 也 不 失 对 彼 此 生 活 的 关 怀 .
毕 竟 , 在 这 复 杂 的 圈 子 里 ,
拥 有 一 段 坦 然 的 友 情 是 难 得 的 .

岑 夫 子 , 丹 丘 生 , 将 进 酒 , 杯 莫 停 .
与 君 歌 一 曲 , 请 君 为 我 倾 耳 听 .
钟 鼓 馔 玉 不足 贵 但 愿 长 醉 不 复 醒 .
古 耒 圣 贤 皆 寂 寞 , 惟 有 饮 者 留 其 名 .
-- 李 白

Wrote on 31 Dec 05

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith - Liberated from my entangled date

I needed much a break away after almost four months of exhausting relationship. I’m not sure if I can even call it a relationship at all. Lies, betrayals, no connection and no communication. I had not in my life been through such a phase dealing with so much lies straight on my face. I was entangled in a relationship that I knew there was no reason to keep but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I sought help from WL, my best friend in London through phone and I broke down in tears.

Tearing was actually quite remote to me and has always been an enemy of me since the age of 15. I had actually resolved not to shed tear in my life since then after a painful incidence. I didn’t tear even when I lost my beloved grandmother some ten years ago. However, I broke down in tears the second time for the same cause since 15. I really doubted my reason for my persistence to keep the composure over so many years. Be it what it is now, I have no intention to make a change of that resolution.

WL advised me not to make any serious decision since I was so confused. I reconciled with him again before I flew to bkk for the much needed holiday. He was still puzzled why there was a need for me to go bkk then. I went with a colleague for a leisure trip.

My mom told me two days before my departure that my younger sister had been warded in the hospital for stomachache. I noted that and thought of visiting her in the hospital before I left for my trip. However, I didn’t manage to make the time partly because I thought it was a trivial cause and partly because I was busy clearing my work before I left for holiday. I returned five days later and was told that my sister had returned home for recuperation.

The next day I finished and left my work earlier to head for my younger sister’s place at around 4pm. I met my brother-in-law when I reached the gate. He secretly pulled me aside after he sent off some visitors. I was a bit taken aback by his behavior and he suddenly broke me a news that shocked me dumb with fear. My younger sister was diagnosed with liver cancer. My sister was not informed yet and my brother-in-law wanted me to stay till 7pm as the chief doctor-in-charge who was a family friend would be coming to release and explain the diagnosis to my sister.

My sister looked very pale and weak when I met her in her room. She was lying there with some of her friends around her. We were all waiting for the doctor to come. Dr P was really kind and patient. He explained the procedures leading to the diagnosis meticulously to my sister. My sister listened intensively trying to grasp the meaning of the words coming out from him. She looked helpless but calm at first. After she finally understood she was in the final stage of liver cancer without knowing the primary cause, she broke down in tears. She struggled with the very basic question of why it must be her? After a short while, she regained her composure and tried to contain her fear. She told the doctor firmly she wanted to survive and she wanted a treatment.

Adenocarcinoma with liver metastases

I didn’t know what it was when the doctor uttered the word, but I had to understand the truth identity of it in order to help my sister to fight for survival. I combed through google fanatically to get a gist and asked my doctor friends for more information. I went to bookshop to comb the books on pathology. The more I knew about the real identity the more I understood the seriousness of my sister’s situation. The CT scan really scared me. Nothing was in order. We visited all the oncologists who were the authority in the area we could find in Singapore. Nothing was good. “To focus on quality of life” was the key I got from all my search.

My sister and brother-in-law chose to deny the fact, for they were too lovely to part with each other. My sister was also worried about her three kids. She prayed to her Lord not too take her away just yet. That was the first time I saw her so helpless and weak in fear. My heart was tearing, but I couldn’t tear.

I had to be the support of my sister and her family. My brother-in-law was totally lost in the game seeing her beloved wife’s suffering. There were three kids in her family to tender too. I had also to take care of my parents and siblings. My father was kept in dark till the very last minutes as we were afraid that he might not be able to take the blow because of his high blood pressure. My mother forced my elder’s sister to tell her the truth when seeing her broke down in tears after I broke the news to her. They were both living with tears from the day onwards. My second sister was also not in good health herself and my youngest brother had his family to take care. I never felt so powerless and alone in my life before.

To put salt on the wound, I found my ex solicited for sex again on the first night of the year 2005 when I had to attend to my sister. I trembled so violently at the time that I had to completely dumb myself, for I knew clearly that I did not have time to care for my own feeling. On the second day of 05, I met my ex for dinner and explained to him that I had no more energy to continue the relationship. We finally ended the whatever relationship that supposed to have been terminated on the very first moment that we met. Certainly no one in my family knew about the double blow that I was getting. I had to still going on with my support for them since it was just the beginning of the fight for my sister. I never in my life knew that I could manipulate myself like a robot.

We decided to break the final result of the examination to my sister after the Christmas in 2004, for we wanted her to celebrate the last Christmas with her family at ease. After the day, we were all geared to fight the impossible with my sister as she decided to go through chemo treatment. The treatment that was both frightening and without high chance. However, my sister decided that she wanted every chance to live, for her beloved husband, children and family. The chemo seemed to do something good at the initial phase of the first two weeks, but the cancer cell just proved too aggressive after that and the doctor had to declare ‘no more treatment’. Both my sister and brother-in-law were completely exhausted after stormed by the verdict. They were suddenly flat and dumb for a time. My brother-in-law was still not prepared to hand away his love yet. He resorted to divine healing. Whatever it was, my sister was getting weaker and weaker each day.

On the day of 31 Jan 05, my sister was finally been called back to the home of her lord.

Wrote on 12 Apr 05